Another week, another helping of telly time that I could've spent writing a prize winning novel and not listlessly balancing pencils in my belly-button in front of X Factor. But I was buoyed by talks that this weekend's edition was all about…boybands!!1!!1 So I settled into my One Direction bedspread clutching the lock of hair ripped from Harry Styles' scalp and stuck on ITV…KINGSLAND
I mean, the easy thing to do here is rip the shit out of the fact that "Kingsland" have named themselves after Dalston's high street, having obviously moved to east London's creative hub, fresh-faced and with a suitcase full of dreams and Topman shirts, without taking into account the crushing realisation they'll undergo that Dalston is actually full of life-ruining depressives who hate everything and will slowly chip away at any sign of optimism until they're doing bumps of ket in the toilets of Efes and guffawing about that time they went on a reality show for a "LOL". But I'm not going to make that joke. All I'll say is their vocals were alright and if they sat next to me on the Overground I'd take a sneaky pic to ridicule them on Instagram with.
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PLASTIC
"Plastic"…the polar opposites of Kingsland in that they look weellllll ravaged by celeb bottom feeder life, just about surviving on the periphery hoping teeth bleaching and Manic Panic hair dye will cover up flashbacks of the time they kicked that homeless man out the way for chance to get papped next to Sam from TOWIE. Of course, this is all framed neatly by their willful lack of talent and pig-headed desire to be famous.I couldn't find their audition on YouTube (I wasn't looking that hard TBF) but I did find their already meticulously updated Facebook fan page complete with press shots. I guess what we can look forward to from these lovably vacuous psychopaths is enough post-X Factor fame for them to sustain a loyal following of mouth-breathing flying monkeys to unleash onto their "haters".ROUGH COPY
I'm going to go ahead and say Rough Copy are my favourites out of the boyband selection this year, but that's kind of like picking between stepping on an upturned plug every day for the rest of your life or being terminally ill. Over-confident and somehow allowed in mace spray distance of Nicole Scherzinger, the boys swaggered in to announce their vibe was "Sweet but street". Confused? My understanding is it means they dress like they're ambassadors of Kanye's yet to be announced high street clothing line, sing like Boys II Men and have the demeanour of the kind of guy who thinks it's OK to harass you on a night bus for your number only to tell you "YOUR UGLY ANYWAYS" when you don't relent. Chart topping potential!
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