X Fucktor: Auditions Week One

While the rest of our demographic were carefully drafting Tweets that demonstrated "I've left the house and am having more fun than you LOL #Saturday", we were scream-clapping at the return of shit telly zenith X Factor because go fuck yourself.

Here are some of the audition highlights:

HANNAH BARRETT

Twitter went into cyber-bullying overdrive when 17 year old Hannah Barrett cropped up at the X Factor auditions carrying herself like someone who had to be reminded to breathe. But as soon as the producers started to fade in the tinkling pianos indicating a sob story you just KNEW bitch was going to be amazing. Turns out, as if being from Croydon wasn't bad enough, Hannah is from a broken home, so sure enough as soon as the first keys of "Read All About It" kicked in it was like "BAM, I'M ARETHA, WHAT FAM, WHAT?"

Hannah returned for the arena auditions with her sass turned up to 500% and performed sassy sass anthem by the woman who out-sassed Beyonce with Jennifer Hudson's "One Night Only". It's really hard to take in the full majesty of her performance so I've split it into my top three moments:

0:15 I don't know what happens between Hannah the Greggs chicken bake enthusiast and Hannah the bad bitch with lungs like every soul diva from the 1950s but I feel like this little screwface is the exact moment she makes the transformation.

0:24 That note bruh, no amount of Sylvia Young thrashing you with a riding whip as you sing "Ave Maria" on a cross trainer can teach someone that shit.

0:43 Someone make a gif of that sassy neck roll before I smash my computer up.

SAM BAILEY

Oh yeah, Sam Bailey. Salt of the fucking earth mate. Works as a prison officer in a men's prison. Has a deaf dog. Enjoys a bit of a Pretzel. Looks like Katy B from the future. Sings a song from Dreamgirls. Obviously she's going to get straight through to the live shows where the judges all turn on her for being an old munter who can't do a Ke$ha song.

ALEJANDRO FERNANDEZ-HOLT

Nicole's seat may have been wet through after his first audition but Alejandro failed to get the fourth yes from Gary who shrugged him off as a toothy Glee reject that should've been bullied more as a child. Fast forward to the second audition and what does a guy with a name like Alejandro Fernandez-Holt do when The Barlow is pitted against you? Play the ethnic card! Halfway through his moist rendition of Enrique Iglesias's "Hero" and he starts purring in Spanglish with more flair than J-Lo doing a PA at Wahaca. The camera pans to every girl in the audience clutching their heart as they imagine Alejandro sending them a cheeky dick pic via WhatsApp.

LUKE FRIEND

A few years ago you had Simon Cowell and Cheryl Cole in rammed arenas trying to find the next global pop talent. Today you have Louis and Sharon, two decrepit music managers neither of whom have worked with a successful act in over a decade, Gary Barlow, a grey cloud over our nation whose A&Ring skills are so hilariously bad that his Universal imprint was forced to close last year and Nicole Scherzinger, who has the demeanour of a woman who just dropped nine diazepam and taken a hit from a Sprite bong during every available break from filming.

Luke Friend, a little shitmuncher from the south coast who's almost certainly inserted himself in a meat-based pastry demonstrates how far the show has fallen. With a wood-beaded necklace acting as the most effective woman repellant you can own without a UN Security Council resolution requiring your destruction, Cowell would've laughed him out the room. But these out-of-work supply judges put him straight through. He went in for a hug afterwards, but Dermo declined, explaining he didn't want to catch bacterial vaginosis.

EUPHORIA

Future self-harmers Euphoria skipped into their audition like the living embodiment of why pre-teen girls should have access to Primark push-up bras, hair straighteners and Collection 2000 cosmetics revoked until they've gone through the self-loathing and misanthropy of puberty and come out of the other end wanting to be a vet. They J-pop dance routined their way through a rendition of "I'm In The Mood For Dancing" with a dead in the eyes precociousness that wouldn't look out of place on a Panorama documentary about Operation Yewtree. Eyes and teeth ladies! Wait, why are you crying?

FIL HENLEY

X Factor's hilarious relationship with rock goes back years, ever since "Rock Week" redefined the genre as "anything with guitars currently on the Heart FM playlist". Here, Fil Henley, dressed like someone asking a HMV shop-assistant if they still sell Lost Prophets albums, sings classic ROCK song "Let Me Entertain You". This, apparently, is not rock enough for Gary Barlow who, fresh from a M25 outlet-mall branch of New Look, demanded this Maidenhead human merkin learn how to be "bad", and provided a demonstration by throwing a mug on the floor. It smashed into over three pieces.

Of course as soon as an X Factor contestant displays the slightest hint of genuine unruly behaviour aka Frankie Cocozza doing a single line of coke and mentioning it to someone, which let's be honest is a pretty Fisher Price My First Tabloid Scandal move anyway, he was kicked off the show. Fil Henley knew what they were really after, and so came back to the arena auditions with some transfer tattoos that came free with an issue of Kerrang! and an Emily Strange sweat band.

Last but not least…

TAMERA FOSTER

How the hell did those parents even plop out Miss Piffington from Fit Town, Pengsville? Interracial relationships are the best thing to happen to skin complexion since Clearasil. Still, there's no denying this Tamera girl has great pipes and a real talent for colour co-ordination, but it is so patently obviously she's in the illuminati that we might as well do away with the whole series because we all know she's going to win. Just look:

Like we even NEED harder evidence?

Follow Sam and Jo on Twitter @samwolfson and @FUERTESKNIGHT

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