The Degrading Things A Boyband Has To Do In Their Dying Moments

What was on the front page news of Britain's best selling newspaper today? The collapse of a Bangladesh building that killed 76 people? A new survey that finds three times as many women have become long term unemployed than men since 2010?

Of course not..

Yes it's true, Britain's fourth favourite boyband are calling it a day. Well, they will be calling it a day after a massive cash-in arena tour and probably some kind of terrible ITV special where they sing the hits interspersed with "sketches" where Aston turns up on Take Me Out and gets a blackout ("You must be joking me!!") and Oritsé goes on a blind date with Louis Walsh but it turns out it was all a dream.

For some, this may be shocking news — as you can imagine there is a candlelight vigil in the Noisey office— but for avid followers of the group like myself, the death knells have been visible for a while, as JLS embark on ever more degrading ventures in an attempt to remain briefly in the spotlight.

They shouldn't feel ashamed though, most popstars have a shelf-life about as long as a JLS condom, and as they reach their expiration date, they have to try things previously unthinkable to get laid by lady fame.

The sponsorship deals

There's nothing wrong with making a truck load of cash from sponsorship deals, but as a popstar reaches their best before date, the Loreals and Pepsis are suddenly nowhere to be seen. Those wanting to make a quick buck have to start designing a kids clothing range for BHS, as Atomic Kitten did before they were put down, or release a range of jewellery with an hour long live special on Argos TV, the fate that befell JLS' X Factor classmate Alexandra Burke. In their final moments, JLS had a product placement deal with Volvo (who were, according to marketing week, trying to "shed their stuffy image" by partnering with the band) and went on a tour sponsored by common assault fuel and regional nightclub favourite Vodka Kick.

The please-give-us-your-cash merch

Look guys, the kids - they ain't buying records anymore. It's all Kazaa this and Shazam that with those blighters. We need to open some new revenue streams. T-Shirts and pencil cases aren't making up the shortfall. We need to think outside the box. How about tasteful charm bracelets?

Tasteful canvas prints?

Tasteful children's body lotion?

Hit the student union circuit.

Perhaps there was no more obvious sign of the failings of JLS than a recent line-up change at the Leeds University Summer Ball. Little Mix, a X Factor girl band still on an upward trajectory were originally booked to headline. But this week it was announced they had somewhere better to be, and would be replaced by JLS. Playing understudy to your more youthful, more successful counterparts —at an event where drunk students are just going to throw bottles of piss at you anyway— was probably the straw that broke Aston's perfectly waxed back.

But JLS are far from the most miserable former stars playing the student circuit. That honour goes to S Club 3 - a outfit who serve as a living public information film about the dangers of experimenting with pop.

Play Butlins

This weird British anachronism — sort of like a Toby Carvery crossed with a concentration camp — has become home to the broken spirits and sagging botox of Britain's most broken bands. Big Brovaz, 911, Vengaboys, Five, Liberty X, Atomic Kitten and Blazin' Squad all have shows lined-up there in the next few months. I guess it's like ATP for 30-year-old women who married their high school sweetheart and regretted it from the first day of the honeymoon.

Release a B-sides and rarities collection

No band has been more stubborn in their refusal to let fame slip through their fingers than Blue. Although they technically broke up in 2008, they've jumped at the chance to reform on an almost weekly basis. Duncan from the band even released a B-sides and rarities collection called 4Ever Blue. The record, that featured none of the band's hits, sold so badly in Europe and Thailand that it was never released in the UK.

The break-up period is followed by four or five of the most depressing years of your life. As former boyband members appear in touring musicals, try to flog a book that was ghostwritten by Gordon Smart and realise they'll have to start dating girls with a healthy body image. This is what One Direction have to look forward to in about a year and a half.

But the massive success of the Backstreet Boys and New Kids on The Block double-headed comeback tour and ITV2's The Big Reunion means that this period in the wilderness is not indefinite. The new cycle of pop — call it Gary Barlow's rhythm method — means that you often have more success when your former teen fans have become mums and want to relive a time in their life when they could still wear boob tubes and binge drink at Oceana. Nostalgia is a force that knows no bounds and JLS will be back in our lives in a couple of years, flogging the same Greatest Hits album with the tracks in a different order.

Follow Sam on Twitter @samwolfson