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X Fucktor: Auditions Week Two

This week, X Factor trotted out a selection of previous year rejects...and we were NOT happy.

WTF ITV! After all the sass, Z-snapping and sob stories of last week I had high hopes for my weekend viewing. Instead all I got was some standard X Factor filler of laughing at the mentally ill and pretty much a WHOLE FRICKIN' EPISODE of rejects from past series.

Let me count the ways in which I was #disappointed.

SHELLEY SMITH

Shelley's got everything that should make her an audition stage tabloid hit; single mum with a seven year old child / prop, shitty job, adorable middle-aged chub and a voice that lends itself to pleasantly sub-par Aretha covers. Still, there was just something not there, y'know? Like, I imagine Shelley is a really pleasant lady; always the first person in the office to give you a bakewell tart and a big ol' hug when you'd been dumped. But I also imagine Shelley is the kind of person who'd try and rouse a sing-a-long in the face of imminent death, belting out "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" as you choked on seaweed while the arctic ocean battered the Titanic into submission.

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BARCLAY BEALES

For the first time in about five years Nicole Scherzinger woke from from her diazepam slumber to do this weird mating dance at a teenager. Why? Because he was yodelling. I don't even know anymore.

JADE RICHARDS

It's third time lucky for Jade who made it all the way to the judges' houses last year, but fell at the final hurdle once Kelly Rowland realised that despite her gloriously gravelly vocals she had the stage presence of someone in the final stages of pleurisy. I mean, shout out to Jade for getting the lyric "Kept his dick wet" on primetime telly, but if you're going to belch out crushing heartbreak anthem "Back to Black" like you were reading out a list of BOGOF's over a supermarket tannoy then, yeah, it probs will fly under the radar.

RELLEY C

How can you go wrong with hair circa Lil Kim's glory days and butter soft ,Brummy accent tinged vocals?

Oh right…

MELANIE McCABE

Melanie has a crispness and control to her voice far beyond her years that does the impossible and polishes turds like David Guetta songs into almost passable ballads, as proved deftly last night with her rendition of "Titanium". But Melanie is also dead in the eyes to the point that even if she were recounting the time she'd fought a polar bear armed with only a spoon and a sincere desire to live, I'd be like "OK, cool, [goes back to playing Candy Crush]".

ABI ALTON

I like Abi. I can even imagine gently tapping my foot along to her top 50 album years from now as it plays softly in a GUM clinic waiting room. But while Teeside's answer to Lisa Loeb may have shuffled into her auditions with the kind of measured modesty and "alternative" voice we, the general public, lap up in the first stages, y'all know we'll be like "DO A FUCKING MARIAH SONG YA DULL TART" by about week two of the live shows.

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EUPHORIA

Oh good, Euphoria are back. And taking on board the "need more edge" advice they swapped their pastel colours for camel toes and an aggressively private girls school take on Icona Pop's "I Love It".

I'm going to cut the girls some slack though because with their live audition we caught a glimpse of their mothers. You know the type, the kind of yummy mummies who'd garrote the pet guinea pig if they'd got anything below a B in their GSCE mocks or read their diary entries about experimenting with bulimia out loud to their dinner party friends while they sobbed into your Egyptian cotton bed set.

Stay strong girls.

Until next week, let's pray there's at least a cat fight or a "this is dedicated to my nan who died at completely acceptable age 'cos nans are old…but I'm still SUPER sad about it." story line.

Follow Jo on Twitter @FUERTESKNIGHT

X Fucktor: Auditions Week One