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Music

Coachella by Numbers

We have very short attention spans, and so do you, so here is the only recap you'll probably read.

All photos except the final two by Jason MacDonald. Weekend one of Coachella 2014 was all about the artists who weren’t on the bill. Because our attention spans are about as short as Beyoncé’s surprise dance routine with her little sis Solange or the one-song break in between Pharrell’s star-powered ensemble show—and social media’s nowness has turned us into insta-reaction bots unable to appreciate a straightforward set without any immediately postable highlights—performers felt the need to dress up their sets with a grab bag of surprises. Accordingly, we recapped the first weekend of Coachella in numbers.

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Bros I saw refused at the gate for taped-together wristbands: 3.

Girls who all high fived when the security guards didn't check their bags: 4.

Singers wearing bow ties on the first day: 2, Bryan Ferry and The Replacements' Paul Westerberg.

People under the age of 40 at The Replacements: 100, maybe.

Okay they're clearly wearing bikinis, but you know, let's not split hairs.

Girls waiting in line next to me to enter the fest on day one wearing lingerie: 4.

Backup singers wearing gold and black fringe Charli Brown-pattern dresses: 2, alongside Bryan Ferry.

Singers wearing pasties: 1, Dum Dum Girls' Dee Dee.

Largest band wearing all black: 4, Dum Dum Girls.

Cutout signs of celebrity headshots on Day One: 2—HAIM's Esther and Steve Buscemi.

Carb-conscious women walking around eating watermelon: 4, no doubt the Beyoncé effect.

Camera phones that shot up into the air when Beyoncé ran onto the stage at Solange's set: about 75.

Seconds Beyonce and Solange stunned the crowd and brought some attendees into tears: 120.

Purple and teal jumpsuits at the Knife: 11.

Sets of glittered eyes at the Knife: 11.

Artists with cornrows: 3, A$AP Rocky, The Knife's Karin Elisabeth Dreijer Andersson, and Blood Orange's keyboardist.

Couples swing dancing during Janelle Monae's guest spot at OutKast: 3.

Tricked out LED-piped pedicabs waiting for the OutKast audience to spill out: 2, one with zebra fur seats and another with faux fur, playing Yeezus.

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How many times I wished Kanye would magically appear on stage: 9.

How many times I wished Lil B was performing: 1, after seeing a girl wearing his face on her dress from a collection designed by Isabel Simpson-Kirsch.

All white articles of clothing on Drake, not to mention in the midst of a dirtstorm: 2.

Artists Pharrell brought out to bolster his set: 7.

Average vision at Pharrell at peak sandstorm time: 20/200.

Painted-on patches on Pharrell's jeans: at least 3 stripes and roughly 24 splodges.

Minutes I was able to bear the sandstorm during Pharrell before leaving: 13.

Marissa is a Coachella survivor and she's on Twitter - @Marissagmuller.

Related:

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Coachella Day One: SPRING BREAK BITCHES!

Coachella Day Two: Desert Storm Grilled Cheese

The Bros of Coachella

The Basic Bitches' Guide to Coachella

Courtney Barnett: Firsties and Faves Festival Special