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The Bros of Coachella

Coachella 2014

By Dan Ozzi

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COAAAACHELLLA! WHOOOOO! You know, there’s been a lot of talk lately about the basic bitches of Coachella, but what about the bro, bro? You bros are the unsung heroes of Coachella. Without you, who would brighten people’s days with a clever ironic t-shirt? How would women be able to dance without the impending threat of being grinded on? Who would keep American Apparel’s salmon shorts line afloat? Who would inquire about needing tickets to the gun show? Who would quote The Hangover???

You’ve been hitting the gym hard this winter and you haven’t eaten a carb in six months. Well now it’s sun’s out, guns out, baby. WHOOOO! Time to get turnt up and check out some sweet photos of bros we found skimming through Coachella pics on Instagram. COAAACHELLLLA! Dad, if you're reading this, put more money in our Chase account!

Ah, the Native American headdress, a staple of the inadvertently racist Coachella bro. 

 

Eiffel Tower, bro!!!

 

Walk into Coachella like...

 

Shotgunning bros, which unfortunately doesn't mean what you think it means.

 

MEAT.

 

Yeah, bro! Hit that BB and then let's go check out Flosstradamus.

 

BRO TIP: Google Glass frees up your hands to do so many more brotivities.

 

Siiiiiick. These bros met Ellie Goulding or whoever.

 

Another headdress! Classic! Classic shit, bro.

 

Would the shirt work without the hat? Maybe. But why take that risk?

 

Speaking of sweet shirts, check out this bro's Bieber/Miley mashup shirt. This bro will DEFINITELY be raging to Girl Talk later.

 

Oh shit, were you bros talking about sweet shirts? Because this bro's got one. Don't even ask if he likes boobies. Says so right on his chest.
 

Reagan and Bush, get it, bro? It's ironic. Or maybe it's not. I forget. Whoooo, 'Merica!!!

 

The fanny pack: CLUTCH for the shirtless bro.

 

RIP to the Ultimate Bro.

 

Goddammit, Rico. Today we're wearing beer t-shirts with the sleeves rolled up. Tomorrow is button-up Hilfiger day. You ruined it. Luckily, every day is cargo short day.

 

Hey, been almost five photos since we've seen a headdress.

 

LOL get it?

 

When Jean-Ralphio met Joe Dirt.

 

Long lines at the selfie mirror.

 

Where The Wild Bros Are.

 

Bros getting resourceful. 

 

[Biggie voice]: And another one...

 

Sports, represent.

 

Alright, alright, alright...

 

It's not racist, bro, he's like, 1/64 Cherokee.

 

And of course, celebroty, Jared Leto. The Jesus of the bros.

 

See you bros next weekend...

 

Dan Ozzi is bro-ing down on Twitter - @danozzi

Also check out:

The American Bro: A Portrait of the Worst Guy Ever

The Basic Bitches' Guide to Coachella

Coachella Day One: SPRING BREAK BITCHES!

Coachella Day Two: Desert Storm Grilled Cheese

 

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