Broken Social Scene's Kevin Drew Has a Penis With "An Original Quality to it"

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Kevin Drew off of Broken Social Scene

Gavin: Hello Kevin.

Kevin: Hi.

Right, so normally, this is a column where I ask popstars flippant questions about the make of their toaster and so on. But I've decided against that today. Because I'm feeling quite melancholy.

Well that’s good. I’m feeling melancholy too.

Well that’s great!

You know, Jerry Garcia, had a great quote: there are days, and there are days in-between, and this is one of the days in-between.

Which days are those?

Those are the days in-between, my friend.

So… what are these days in-between then?

The days that get away from you.

I see. Well, as I’m feeling melancholy, I’d like to ask you about Miley Cyrus’s most recent quote, from this week’s Popbitch… “If I was a dude I'd probably have a really big dick”. In your opinion, Kevin, do you think Miley Cyrus would have a large penis if she were a man?

Would Miley Cyrus have a large penis if she was a man?

Or do you think she's actually been rather presumptuous there?

Uh… I think she's being like all men, vain and boastful and conceited. Miley Cyrus is one of the great poets of our time now, I suppose…

She paints with words.

And she has the credibility of the Flaming Lips behind her now too.

Does she?

There’s this band called the Flaming Lips who really love to hang out with Miley Cyrus. But… You know when you finally realise you have the capacity not to pay attention or care about things? I think Miley Cyrus falls into that category for me.

Well, you must be a very lonely man in the modern world with your internal ad blocker cutting out 77% of modern life.

Not at all.

More philosophically, do you think most girls fatuously imagine they would have large penises if they were blokes?

I kind of think that women have got it together already. They bleed. They give birth. They’re grounded in ways that we could barely understand. They wouldn’t need to boast. I don't know, you’re opening up with a closer for me, Gav.

I mean, if you’re working in hypotheticals, it’s very easy to imagine you’d have a large penis. In the same way that 80% of people report being "better than average"drivers…

I think women would be more powerful than men whether they have a large penis or a small penis. I think women instinctively know it's how you do it, it's how we work it that counts.

Mac DeMarco once told me he has a quote "average or below average penis". I don’t want to let too much daylight in upon magic here, Kevin, feel free to duck out if needs be, but where would you say you stand within the great bell curve of dick distribution?

Oh my God. It's cock talk. Uh… Where do I stand? I would say I hold something unique.

That's a beautiful way of putting it.

Yes. And that’s all I will say on this.

Is it?

It has gotten me through life this far.

It has a beauty that transcends any particularity.

It has an original quality to it.

Do you think it is an originality that reflects your broader personal character? Or is it supplementary to your personal character?

I think it puts me in a very good position.

What is that position?

We’ve all been in that position.

Do you ever have a morbid fear of seeing your friends’ penises? I mean, I’m happy to come across random penises in the gym. That’s all-in, that’s just life, and fairly informative. But to see the penises of close pals is quite another subject… It’s overfamiliar. It is simply a level of intimacy with which I do not wish to engage with people whom I then have to look in the eye.

I just try and believe that all of my friends come from a Tom Of Finland book. Do you know Tom Of Finland?

No.

I mean, Gav, honestly, for me I don't generally sit around talkin’ cock talk. You’re throwing me a curveball.

I’m stretching you in interesting ways. Stretching you by the dick.

I did go to a nudist beach last summer, and found out that that if you cut off the circulation in your cock it makes it look bigger.

Is that the so-called ‘cock ring’?

It was a world I was not aware of.

Is it world you would like to be more engaged with?

Well, personally, I believe in circulation. I believe in letting your blood flow.

Blood should be free.

I feel that the cock is what lies behind all the destruction of the world, so I try and go the opposite way with it.

How much do you stand by that? Do you believe that we live in a world entirely dominated by the fighting and fucking totem of the penis?

I recently had a conversation with a gentleman about how fighting and fucking are these two things that men know how to do. I mean, take those away from them and they’re at a loss.

I think in a way a lot of men would rather die than be castrated. That, when you get down to it, the end of sexual potency, for many men, IS the end of life. Would you say that’s a fair analysis?

For some. I don't know, I think words can destroy just as easily.

How many of the cocks in Broken Social Scene would you say you’ve seen?

You know, I’m trying to review those cocks in my mind, but I don't see anything apart from the gentleman who mixes us, who likes to mix naked, our sound guy Martin. And his penis is attached to his heart so it's just an extension of him, really.

He is constantly making love to the universe.

Exactly. And those are the kinds of penises I like to hang out with.

But in terms of BSS: the rest is just one big Gaussian graph of penis, a scatterchart of nob, one big statistical deviation from the norm?

How did this… How did this… What? I love that you’re melancholy so we’re talking about cocks…

The cock is the pathway to all human emotion Kevin, as I'm sure you're aware. It's a very melancholy thing. I mean, haven’t you ever had a bad date and then come home and had to beat yourself off in a horrible fury and wanted to cry?

I think crying and masturbation work in opposite directions.

But it’s about peak emotion. About the universe validating your existence, about esteem and connection, and ultimately, that all funnels back, unfortunately, inevitably, towards the cock…

If the whole thing you’re revolving around is your dick, then it’s not gonna work for you Gav. You say you’re melancholy. Why? Because you haven’t had sex? Because you’re lonely? Because you look down at your dick and you think ‘what is this’?

All of the above Kevin. These things are not unrelated. It’s about connection. About being allowed to join the communion of souls.

Connection?

Yeah.

Well connection is what I’m all about. Connection is what I'm fighting for. I don’t know if you’ve listened to my record, Gav, but the opening line is:

"Go get the body butter baby, let's go party alone."

Connection is what, in my small little world, I’m screaming about.

But you get to choose what you want to think about. And you get to choose what your values are. And you get to choose to say things like ‘I won’t be defeated but can I please borrow your sword?’. These are things that you have the power to choose. So…

Do you believe in love, Kevin? In its full Byronic, big-bloused meaning? A feeling that stands apart from other feelings? Or is it just an intertwined fondness you can’t truly separate out from a range of personal relations? Can we ever truly give ourselves to just one other, or is that ultimately sort of meaningless in your experience?

There is fucking massive pressure misguides us with that. But of course I believe in love. I think that's what all this shit is all about. At the end of the day, all anybody really wants to feel is that. To feel loved from friends and family and all those things, only gives you the confidence that gets you going through the world. I love romance. I became a bit of a romantic junkie there at one point. It can be addictive. But it also comes from a place where it's something that you want, something you want to feel. All this shit is about love. Whether people hide it or subvert it, but it’s always underneath.

What happens when love goes away?

It fucking hurts.

Can love ever last?

Real love comes with a maturity and responsibility that we don't necessarily have now. Of course love can last. My parents have been together for 43 years. They don't want to be apart. For myself, everyone that I have ever been with I am still in love with. I still think of them, I still miss them, I still check in with them. I don't think love goes anywhere, it stays within you. But I think it's confusing. I think within this day and age, as you know, we are constantly fed choices… love is a billion dollar industry.

You’re a 37 year old man now, so perhaps you’re moving towards this peer group… Do you think there is a level of adultery that is simply tolerated in polite society, that one gets round to in midlife, and generally goes by, tacitly-condoned, no biggie, a hidden yet natural function of our limited capacity for monogamy?

Man. I should've stayed home for this interview. Well… Isn’t this why people have hobbies?

What’s a good hobby, Kevin?

Look, adultery, all of these things, these are all things that are a part of life. It's just interesting how much this is about sex. I think that it resides with you. If you're in a relationship, that relationship is whatever happens when the doors close behind you. Monogamy is something difficult for many people, but I think the pressure of sex has destroyed a lot of relationships, I think people put too much emphasis on it.

There’s this open format of boundaries these days. Do you bring people into the bedrooms? Or have open relationships? And that's just about safety, it's about who you're with, and if you guys are good, you can do whatever you want together. You can experiment, you can do whatever it is you need to have happen.

I’ve seen people come into relationships where they had to have someone else there, and then it’s destroyed them. It comes down to what you think you are capable of handling. I think once you've been cheated on, you're always going to be scared of being cheated on again, because it fucking sucks.

But you can be strong enough to know that that's how it is in today's day and age sometimes. People sway. People move. Love and sex can have a division to it.

I do think it's something that has too much focus. If you're getting into a relationship because this person gives you the best blow job in the world, well then, you're fucked. That's not what it's supposed to be there for. You're supposed to be there because that person fucking elevates you. That person picks you up. That person knows you, inside and out, can support you and help you, make you feel safe.

I know there's a lot of people out there who go and have affairs and no one’s the wiser, but, at the end of the day, it's really the choice of two people, not the choice of the philosophy of what we are speaking about.

I know there’s a pressure. I look around, and see the people, and I see the pressures of it all, and… sex is a glorious wonderful incredible thing. We know this. Makes you feel so fucking amazing. Orgasms are like skydiving. It’s a rush. They are incredible.

But I know that sex is a massive pressure. You want to have a good sex life. A good sex life is a healthy fucking relationship. You have kids, moving on, feel frustrated, things happen, talk about it, I guess. I've been in and out of relationships. I'm not married and I don't have kids. I don't have these things.

I am more drawn to the spoon than the breasts nowadays, to Patrick Swayze’s heart beat… Adultery’s not something that particularly turns my crank, but I know that people like to… danger is one of the most attractive things out there, and so many people's impulses are based around the idea that it's wrong, and if it's wrong, it's great.

At the end of the day, it's just up to you. It's up to what you think you can handle and what you think is right. If there is not a balance there, when you're in trouble… Are you still there?

I’m still here.

And I've seen lives slowly falling apart: “Oh we don't have sex, we don't know how to connect any more”, and somebody comes into the room and totally divides the thunder brings you together. Yes it’s difficult. Ours is not a society that is good for finding someone and staying together. That's not how it is. But it certainly promotes going out and finding ‘The One’, so you’re constantly turning around and going “Is this it?”. “Was that it?”. I don't know, Gav. You say you’re melancholy today well, so far, all I can tell you… is that perhaps you need a fucking hug?

Would you be prepared to give me a hug, Kevin?

Yeah. I’m prepared to give everyone a hug.

Thank you very much, Kevin.

Follow Gavin on Twitter - @hurtgavinhaynes

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