We Antagonised Martin Creed for What Felt Like a Lifetime

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a "popstar". This week: Turner Prize winning artist and musician, Martin Creed.

Gavin: Hello Martin. Can I ask you a personal question?

Martin: Yes?

What’s it like being an indie rockstar?

I don’t know…I wouldn’t describe myself as an indie rockstar. But I’d imagine it’s a lot like being a person.

So have you ever met The Maccabees?

No I haven't but I’ve a lot of Macs up in Scotland.

Have you ever met The Family Rain?

No.

Have you ever met Toy?

No.

Have you ever met New Yong Pony Club?

Yeah, I think I have actually. Quite a few years ago.

Well it would be now, wouldn’t it. What were they like?

I remember them being nice.

Well who else have you met then?

Ehm… I’ve met Joan Armatrading?

Is she a right cunt?

No. No. She’s a very nice person.

What spurred your ongoing attempt to rise to indie rock stardom? Did you used to go to FROG at the Astoria, and think: “One day, maybe that could be me onstage instead of Jon Windle from Little Man Tate?”

No. I never thought anything like that.

Why not?

No. I just always found it very exciting going to what might be called ‘rock concerts’. Almost any band sounds good I think for one song.

The one song rule.

I just love it when a band starts playing. When they come on and just give it some welly. It’s like the air becomes thick. I suppose it’s like a blanket or something like that. The world isn’t empty anymore.

So you tend to think all acts inevitably get more boring as they go along?

Aye. I usually think most people play for too long. Unless you’re a number one fan. I always worry about that when I play.

How long do you play for?

Well the longest would probably be 45 or 50 minutes. And if it heads towards that length I always feel it’s too long. I think it depends on the feeling. A fifteen minute gig could be too long if it goes bad.

Do these gigs generally go badly?

It’s probably about half and half. Half the time I come off feeling excited. Half the time I come off thinking: “Oh no. I… I’m shit.”

I’m a failure, I’m a terrible man?

I dunno. Just feeling bad and ill at ease. But it doesn’t always match up - what you feel and what the audience does.

Who has more cocaine – indie musicians, or modern artists?

I wouldn’t know because, looking back on it now, I think lots of people I know were taking cocaine, but I never knew about it. I was very naive. I don’t notice really when people are doing that or not. I’ve never been into that.

So they’ve been hiding it from you?

Not hiding, no, I just never noticed.

But you didn’t get invited to those 4AM at Tracey Emin’s gaff kinda parties?

I think I did, aye, but then I think people would be going to the toilets or some room with a table in it, and then… I didn’t really do that. I just thought they were going to make a cup of tea.

They just had a lot of stamina. A high stamina crowd.

I’m naive. I just smoked a lot of regular cigarettes and drank a lot of regular alcohol.

What's the most thrilling human orifice to explore, do you think?

Ehm… I would imagine the anus. Because it’s the most unknown area. Well, to me it seems. Because it’s out of sight. And I suppose because of that it is out of mind most of the time. So I guess it’s the most exciting and most scary part of the body.

It has a kind of a mystical, unknowable quality to it, doesn’t it.

It’s the one view you can’t see, though you’re walking around with it all the time.

Do you ever think about your anus sometimes, randomly, just check in on it still being there?

I do. I spent a lot of time thinking about it. Which is why I tried to make this film about people shitting.

Hang on. Is this the one with the constipated girl on the toilet that’s at the Hayward Gallery?

She’s not constipated. And she’s not on the toilet. She’s on the floor. She goes on the floor.

Did you ever think maybe girls having a crap isn't nice? That maybe you've kind of ruined girls for everyone now by letting daylight in upon magic?

No. I don’t think so. I think it looks good.

It’s not your ‘thing’ is it?

No. No. But I think this film looks good, yeah. It’s very natural. Someone’s living their life, and being filmed doing it.

Do you think nature offers us enough protection for our orifices, in general, or do you think nature's a bit cruel and capricious on that score?

I don’t know the answer to that. I’d say nature is neutral.

Orifice-neutral. But do you ever think to yourself: “You know what, it seems certain that, were he to try, Damien Hirst would only do terrible music. Sure, he did that skull thing, but let's face facts, I'm way better than him at music”?

Well I would never say that. That would be to presume that I know something that I don’t feel like I know.

What sort of music do you think Dam-o would do if he were doing music? It'd probably be some ratty 90s minimal techno thing, wouldn't it? I mean, he already looks like he should be in Underworld. He's got huge Karl Hyde slaphead vibes.

Well I thought he did the Fat Les thing, didn’t he?

Cripes, you’re right. Well that says it all, doesn’t it. If Damien Hirst did music, it’d be tuppeny novelty-pop.

Well I wouldn’t like to judge it. I don’t know what is best, and I try to work in the light of that.

Do you think David Shrigley should do a music thing? I reckon he'd be good in a two-man synth outfit. Off-piste beat poetry plus Vince Clarke, basically.

Actually, I heard a song by him on 6Music the other night. It was very funny. It was kind of a spoken-word thing. It was all things you shouldn’t do: “Don’t jump in a fire. Don’t drive with your eyes closed…”.

I’ve heard that! I didn’t know it was him. How exciting.

Aye. It was on the Marc Riley show. Cos I did a session there. And he played that song during the programme. I know David Shrigley actually. I like him. He’s very tall as well.

Does that make him seem looming?

No. Blooming. It makes him seem blooming.

Never makes him seem brooming?

No. No.

Have you ever used his toilet?

No. I’ve never been in his house.

Why not?

I like meeting people on neutral ground.

Are you embarrassed about your house?

No. But I like to keep it as a safe haven.

Is that related to a kind of fear of intimacy?

Eh… could be. But you know… there are people who come into my house.

And what do they do when they come into your house?

They’re… intimate.

Intimately intimate?

Probably. You’d hope so.

Well, we all live in hope.

We do.

Martin. Can I possibly ask you a personal question?

Uh… Yeah alright.

Would you like to participate in my latest artwork: “Work Number 101: I Ask Martin Creed The Questions From Zane Lowe's Famous Kanye West Interview And he responds as though they are for him”?

I dunno. I’m not sure… Is that what we’ve been doing?

No. No. That’s what we’re going to do.

Oh. Aye… Alright…

Ok, right. First question: “So it almost feels like a duty to you in a weird way? Having the peoples’ ear, having peoples’ attention for

great music, to be able to say, well, if I’m not challenging them enough, I’m not challenging myself, not challenging radio, what am I doing?”

It’s impossible to answer that. I don’t know what to say, and it doesn’t seem to be a question for me.

So you’re up in the loft probably at this point, and you’re kicking around ideas, and you’re putting things together, and this sound

comes into your head, and you’re like, this is what I’m looking for?

Ehm. No. I don’t exactly believe in ideas. I don’t know what ideas are. And I don’t know how I work.

Was that kind of deliberate, you know, to pull back after only a couple of verses and go, you know what, we’re going to get on with the album now?

Sorry?

At what point did that very deliberate feel to the record, whereby breaks come in and join this really discordant electronic moments and everything seems to exist in this very – very contradictory but it works kind of way, at what point did that start to take shape?

I don’t know if that did take shape. I think you’re talking about something else.

There it is. That record, it says that. That’s what your album says when you come out, and there were songs on there, you make that very

clear. Isn’t that why you do it? Isn’t it the process? Isn’t it the point to do it?

Is that a question? It seems like a statement, several statements. With a question mark at the end.

I think it’s a great record.

That’s good that you’re so sure.

Do you give yourself time?

I try to. I always feel like I don’t spend enough time on things, so that must mean I don’t give myself enough time.

Give us an insight to the fashion world though, what you’ve been going through there with that whole experience. The biggest challenge you’ve had clearly to get your vision across?

I don’t think I’m involved in the fashion world, but it does seem to me that what one wears is just as important as an act of expression. And buying a pair of trousers feels to me just as important as making a painting.

Let’s get to the solution Kanye, let’s work out. How are you going to kick that door in as well? How are you going to get in to that world in your way, in your terms?

I dunno how to answer that cos my name’s not Kanye.

But there is also a lot of people in the audience that love what you have to say, love hearing what you have to say. You know…?

I don’t know. I feel like I don’t know.

So just talk about this track here and who you worked with, you worked with Daft Punk on this in part, and how the song came together?

I didn’t work with Daft Punk.

Ok, you’ve completed the Kanye Zane Artwork. How does it feel to have taken part in real art?

I don’t know. Cos I don’t know what art is so I’m not sure I’d recognise it if I saw it.

Well to be honest, that’s slightly disappointing.

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