A Psychologist Breaks Down People’s Relationship Takes

We all have that one risky opinion that’s sure to make a roomful of people break into a heated yarn. To you, your outlook might not seem controversial at all – but for someone else it might be the most baffling point of view they’ve ever come across. A hot take that’s sizzling, contentious and always open to dispute.

When it comes to relationships, our insanely varied spread of experiences has led to plenty of takes. Every individual person's experience with romance is significant to them – and helps to form their core ideas around relationships – whether you haven’t dated at all, have been extremely lucky or have had an unfortunate string of unsuccessful dates. If you’re perpetually single, you’re probably not gonna vibe with someone saying “if you just open your heart you’ll meet the right person”. 

We’ll always be divided on whose opinions have real worth, but there are professionals we can look to for some educated advice - informed by more than just personal experience. 

"It’s okay to have keepsakes from relationships that didn’t work out."

Hutton: Yes, it can be ok to keep an item that is from a previous relationship. It really depends on the function or purpose of holding onto the item.

Just because you are no longer in a relationship with someone doesn’t mean that there weren’t enjoyable and significant moments, memories and life events during that period. The item can be a reminder of personal growth, an experience that brought joy, or even some significant pain that remains meaningful.

However, if holding onto this item is because you are emotionally holding onto the relationship and the hope of reuniting, this could be unhealthy. It could also prevent you from engaging fully in other relationships. Or it could be a source of unnecessary torment if it keeps causing emotional distress.

Perhaps it is worth reflecting on why you want to hold onto it, and what thoughts and feelings you experience when you see or hold the item. It might also be worth having someone else to respectfully explore this with you, such as a counsellor.

"Not being friends with any of your exes isn’t a red flag, sometimes it’s just the way it is."

Hutton: Many intimate relationships do not transition into friendships, and some do. It depends on the desires of both people and is not an indicator of a wider issue with any particular person. Intimate relationships transitioning into friendship relies on both people wanting a friendship, adequate time and space, healthy boundaries that are respected by both people, healthy communication about this transition, and the consideration of the feelings of current intimate partners.

Achieving closure, and discussing any remaining unresolved issues from the previous intimate relationship can also be necessary. It can also be helpful to have someone to reach out to if the situation becomes difficult, or you need to process something.

"Unrequited love isn’t a thing. If it's not mutual, it’s not love."

Hutton: People can experience a range of emotions when they are attracted to someone and want to pursue a relationship with them. Some people describe some of these feelings as unrequited love, meaning that their strong feelings for someone are not reciprocal or mutual. It is true that without the participation and consent of two people then a relationship doesn’t actually exist. However, this doesn’t mean that one person won’t experience intense feelings they may choose to label as love. Love is a word that has many meanings and it is difficult to define. It isn’t always helpful to disagree with someone else’s emotional experience. 

It is important that people become aware of their behaviour towards someone they have strong feelings for, and seek support if their behaviour is making the other person feel uncomfortable. It is important that boundaries and the wishes of other people are respected in the pursuit of a relationship, and that you are careful that your behaviour is not harassing someone who is not showing an interest in you, or has communicated they aren’t keen. It is your responsibility to reflect on your own behaviour and understand this. It is never the other person’s responsibility to keep communicating to you that your feelings (love) is unrequited, or not mutual.

“Blocking someone is the only way to get over them. Even if it was a nice end."

Hutton: There are various different strategies to end a relationship and move on in a healthy way. What will work for one person might not work for another. Blocking someone can create a healthy separation and distance to allow you the emotional space to process the ending of a relationship. It can prevent the triggering of difficult emotions or thoughts that can be distressing or unhelpful to the process of moving on. 

Blocking someone can also sometimes prevent people from discussing the end of a relationship and finding closure. Healthy and respectful communication that remains within agreed boundaries can sometimes be helpful in moving on after a break-up.

"If a relationship ends, both people are at fault in some way – no matter who is blamed."

Hutton: Relationships end for all sorts of reasons and not necessarily because anyone is at fault. By the inherent nature of relationships, both people contribute to the relationship dynamic. Sometimes one partner does something that breaks the trust in a relationship, and therefore it ends. Sometimes both people in a relationship contribute to an unhealthy or unsustainable relationship through both of their behaviours. Sometimes external pressures, or factors outside of their control, contribute to a relationship ending. Whilst it is helpful for people to reflect on their own behaviour in a relationship and evaluate how it might have contributed to the relationship ending, assigning blame or fault is not helpful. 

It is also important to realise that sometimes someone will be abusive in a relationship. In this situation, it is not appropriate to say that both people are to blame. A person who is being harmed in an abusive relationship is never responsible for the harmful behaviour of the other person. 

With all that said, dealing with your own relationship dramas takes more than blindly following someone else's advice, professional or otherwise. According to Hutton “every event in a relationship is different” and it’s most important to “take the time to reflect, seek advice and support from someone you trust”. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.