How to Stop Your Past Relationships Affecting How You Date

Everything from the family you were born into, to the food you eat, to the places you’ve visited, make you who you are. Every choice, every experience: it all influences how we choose to live our lives. 

Relationships are no different. They help form us, and in best cases help us to grow in all the right ways. But relationships can shape us in negative ways, too. 

The reality is a lot of us bring past problems into new relationships and dating adventures, making them harder to navigate.  

One of the more obvious pieces of baggage someone can bring into a relationship (if we’re still using that term at all) is issues around trust. A lot of people will attest to having some sort of issue with trusting people, which might have come from being cheated on or lied to, or broken-up with abruptly. 

In some cases, dating history can lead people to hold steadfast beliefs about the way a certain type of person behaves. I’m guilty of believing all floppy-haired and wide-grinned boys will screw me over eventually because a few of them, well… have. It’s the traits we’ve associated with particular “types”, good or bad, that we might avoid .

We might also end up having instinctive responses to certain behaviours. Almost like muscle memory, you find yourself getting panicked when someone doesn’t text you back, or snapping at someone whose words hit a nerve they didn’t know they were touching on.  

You might think “what’s the problem?”, but long term this way of thinking can have some really negative effects on everyone involved. 

When we’ve experienced multiple failed or difficult relationships it’s easy to buy into the idea that it’s “our narrative” that we’re doomed to repeat it. We naturally look for patterns in our life and latch onto them to make sense of everything. This can trick us into believing certain things about ourselves that simply aren’t true: that we’re destined to always be cheated on; that we can never be happy in a relationship; that we always pick the wrong kind of person. It’s a habit that’s hard to break, but realising we do it in the first place is the best place to start.

When we’re impacted by our past relationships, these pitfalls can affirm and contribute to long term insecurities. It becomes harder and harder to shake these ideas about ourselves the longer you leave them unaddressed. Avoiding the past is a surefire way to repeat it. 

If you feel really worn down by your past relationships, it might make you give up on dating entirely. And dating doesn't have to be a part of life. It’s not for everyone, anyway. But you shouldn’t have to avoid it because you’ve been scarred by previous experiences. It can be hard to believe the “real deal” really exists after a while – and that leads a lot of people to shut themselves off. Even worse, it means some people end up treating other people like garbage because they’re trying to avoid getting hurt themselves. 

But being careless with someone's else’s feelings because you feel you've mistreated? That’s not it. 

The first step is figuring out what’s getting in the way of your current dating life. Being frank with yourself about why you feel the way you do, and who it’s affecting, is important. You can’t solve a problem if you don’t know what it is in the first place. 

From here, it’s about refreshing the way you think about your relationship history, and in turn, your future relationships. 

Stop believing that whatever issues you’ve experienced are your narrative: if you seek patterns, you’ll find them, so stop looking for them in the first place. Remember that every person is different. And in every relationship you’ll be different, because time passes, life changes and we inevitably adjust to it all. 

If you're dating back to back, as much as that can be fun and liberating, you’re not really giving yourself the chance to grow. Take a breather and give yourself the space to reassess what you really want, how you feel about the people you’re meeting, and how they make you feel. 

One of the more practical ways to let go of the past is to give yourself closure on your previous relationships. Even if you think you’ve moved on or have a positive or neutral relationship with your ex, staying involved with them might be impacting your current situation. Stop believing you might eventually get back together. Stop hanging out with them when you’re lonely in place of seeking out new relationships. You don’t have to cut off a friendship with your ex if you have one, but be realistic about what you get from that friendship. If you're still treating it like a romantic relationship you’re not gonna move on from it mentally. 

If you’ve experienced trauma or abusive behaviour in a past relationship, the best option is to delve into it with a professional. Having vulnerable and honest conversations with friends and family can be really helpful too, as talking is always going to help you process your shit – but there are some things that are best dealt with by a therapist or counsellor who can provide you with legitimate tools for healing. 

The past isn’t something we have to ignore or feel anger towards. Every relationship has its issues, even the most happy and fulfilled relationships, so don’t internalise the idea that you’re the reason things have always gone sour. Sometimes you might be, and that’s okay too, because once you accept it you can actually deal with it. 

It takes time, but if you can learn to take all the best bits from your past relationships and leave the bad behind, it’ll be onwards and upwards from here. 

Own the Feels is brought to you by #LoveBetter, a campaign funded by the Ministry for Social Development.

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Rachel Barker is a writer / producer at VICE NZ in Aotearoa. You can find her @rachellydiab on IG and Letterboxd and see her film criticism on Youtube.