If Enter Shikari's Rou Reynolds Was in a Lift With David Cameron, He Would Do a Massive Fart

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week: Rou Reynolds from Enter Shikari.

Gavin: Hi Rou. You are renowned as the outspoken front man of mad turbo-rave-infused DIY-powered politically-radical post-hardcore band Enter Shikari. But can you think of anything really boring that has happened to you recently?

Rou: I'd say 90% of what happens. Most of the time we're enclosed in small spaces – planes, vans, touring, just being bored.

But anything specific? Perhaps you bought the wrong size of battery for an appliance? Perhaps you watched several episodes of Breaking Bad and then had a conversation about them with someone of moderate intelligence?

Uhm… I watered my plants this morning. One of the plants – not sure what it's called, some horrible long Latin name, was looking a bit worse for wear, so I gave it perhaps more water. I think I may have given it too much.

That's the hidden tragedy with plants: they tend to die more from over-watering than under-watering. Smothered with parental anxiety.

Yeah, I'll feel bad if that happens. But fingers crossed.

Do you ever talk to your plants?

Not really. When I first got them, it was a bit like 'Oh, plants'. You know, you're supposed to stroke the leaves, aren't you, to encourage growth. But after a while, like most things, they've ended up just stuck in the corner becoming more and more brown.

So essentially you're just watching a plant die, are you? You've bought a living organism, and now you're deriving satisfaction from watching it gasp its last, like an AIDS patient in your living room?

I think it still makes me feel better about my life.

You are renowned for being a bit political and against things. But if David Cameron got in a lift with you, how would you treat him? Say it's a crowded lift, and he can't reach the panel. He asks you to press the button for floor five. Do you press it? Or do you tell him to stick his floor five up the ass of Britain's poor and needy?

Well, if you had him in there, I guess you could do the thing where you press every single floor.

That'd be mildly frustrating for him.

Or you could fart.

So that's your Che moment, is it? Or is it more satyagraha? Do you think Ghandi ever farted in a lift when the British Viceroy entered?

Maybe. All that vegetarian food does things to you.

Where do you stand on juvenile capital punishment? Should we execute tweens?

What? What do you mean 'tweens'?

Tweens. Children between eight and 12.

There's not really much you can do wrong at that age, is there? You can't be held responsible for your actions.

Well, to be frank, Rou, as you must know, there are some quite bad kids out there, and I feel like we need to set an example or they'll simply overrun us. I mean, who's the worst child you've ever met?

Well, I moved to Scotland when I was ten and the only other English kid in that class was a total twat. And so that slightly, uh, fun, jovial hating of the English was pretty –

Racism, essentially is what you're talking about Rou. There's no point dressing it up. You were the victim of a racial incident.

Well I guess it was that their only experience of an English person at that point was this guy. So, at first, I had a lot of difficulty making friends. But y'know once they realised I wasn't going around flicking bogeys at them, they accepted me as a Scotch brethren.

Is there a mirror nearby you, Rou?

Yeah.

Can you go and look at yourself in the mirror right now?

Sure.

Are you there yet?

Yup. I'm standing in front of the mirror.

Look in the mirror.

Ok.

What do you see?

A hairy… sleep-deprived… lost little boy.

How does that make you feel on the inside?

Uhm. Optimistic?

Do you ever look in the mirror and feel like there's no one there?

No. No. I don't think so.

Good. I think you're finally making progress. What are you wearing right now?

About the only interesting thing I'm wearing is my old man's slippers. Just jeans and a hoody. I've got a hat on as well.

Why a hat indoors?

Well it's cold and I haven't got the heating on.

Your full name is Roughton. How did the playground bullies twist that?

The one I got from the teachers a lot came out completely by accident. It was the mispronunciation: Ruff-ton. After a while it just stuck. “Uuuuh Ruff-ton”. Like that.

Tough-ton, Guff-ton, Buff-ton… there's a good base of rhyming things you could do with that while sitting on top of someone and hitting them in the kidneys.

None of them really mean anything though, do they?

Who would you get to play yourself in a biopic of a slightly more successful band's life? For instance, if there were a biopic of the life of Bullet For My Valentine, and there was a walk-on part where you were on tour and wandered in asking where the bathroom was?

Well obviously for such a big part, you'd have to find a very famous actor. Maybe Rhys Ifans.

William H Macy?

Again, I am going to have to say I don't know who that is.

Do you interact with popular culture at all?

Yes. I saw a –

You saw a film once?

No, I saw a video of a man with a cockerel. And he ran away cos the cockerel started going mental. I posted that on Twitter last night. That was my input into popular culture.

Am I behind the curve? Is this your bid for Fenton 2013?

He had a big one in his arms. One of the biggest I've ever seen actually. And it started getting a bit agitated at being held. So it started spreading its wings. It's quite funny you know. Worth 20 seconds of your life.

You are widely renowned as a fan of TV actor Telly Savalas. If you could pick one role you'd like to remember him by, what would it be?

Ok, well I have no idea who that is.

So you're not a fan of TV actor Telly Savalas?

Well… I don't recognise the name.

Hang on. Hang on. No, sorry, that's Naughty Boy's questions for next week. Right. Ok. Well I've run out of questions so could you just act like you are a fan of TV actor Telly Savalas for the sake of continuity?

What's he in?

Kojak.

Ok. What was the question? What would I –

The role you'd like to remember him by?

Uh, Kojak definitely.

Well there you go, a popular choice – his definitive role, many would still say, as the cult lollipop-sucking Seventies detective: “Who loves ya baby”.

Yeah. He had his moments.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes

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