Foxes Charged All Her Friends To Meet A Fake Craig David

Gavin Haynes has 100 free minutes but no friends. So each week we're going to make him call a popstar. This week, Foxes explains why men want to drink her bathwater and why blowjobs sound so rude.

Noisey: Hello Louisa Who Is Foxes. So when you welched out of our planned interview yesterday, it was because you were on your way to a house viewing. What were the results?
Foxes: I bought it! Well, I’m renting it.

Mazeltov. Do you think the housing market is difficult for pop singers at the moment?
It could definitely be better, couldn’t it?

Perhaps they should start a government scheme, Houses For Popstars, to solve the popstar housing backlog?
I once tried to rent a house off of this woman, and she wouldn’t rent it to me because I told her what I do for a living and she just wouldn’t believe me. Everything was going really well, then I think she thought I was doing something dodgy, because I had this big lump sum of money, but no actual income, no salary. I tried to explain to her that’s how record labels work, but I just never heard back from her. So yes - maybe they could do something about prejudice against popstars?

Have you ever met a nice estate agent?
Yes! In fact the guy who showed us around yesterday was really nice. Too nice in fact: he kind of maybe overstepped the mark? There was this moment where he walked me and my mum back to my mum’s house, and then he sort of hung around at the door a bit too long… kind of like: ‘Uh, shouldn’t you be going now’…

You are one of iTunes’ 2013 Ones To Watch. If I installed a camera in your house to watch you, what would I see?
At the moment, I’m living on my mum’s couch so I think you’d just see me hanging around there with all my possessions in a suitcase. I think you’d be very disappointed.

I dunno, I’m not sure I ever had that many illusions to begin with. Do you think you have made good on the touching faith that iTunes showed in you for 2013? Or do you think you might owe iTunes an apology?
Well maybe I owe them a bit of an apology? I feel like they got the "ones to watch" thing right. But I think they maybe got the year wrong, unfortunately. I’ve been doing too many other things this year: features, working on other people’s albums. Which has been great, but it’s slowed me down.

What would you give yourself out of ten for 2013?
About 4.5?

As high as that?
But I think I’d just give myself 4.5 for everything though - that’s got more to do with how I am than the sort of year I’ve had.

You are from Southampton. So do you know anyone who claims to know Southampton’s most famous pop minstrel, Craig David?
DO I? I once claimed to know him myself. I charged my friends all five pounds each to go and see "him" in the home of a friend of mine. Basically, we had this friend who looked a lot like him - had the beard and everything. And people went into the room where he was sat, and they saw him, and then they went out again. It was amazing.

Hang on. Hang on. Did anyone feel short-changed by this artificial Craig David?
No. There were no complaints.

Are you sure? How did you deal with refunds?
Ran away?

Is that in the consumer charter, that you’re allowed to run away?
I don’t think the consumer charter applies to Craig David.

So there’s no one you’d want to apologise to now for this fraud?
I think people were happy to believe what they wanted to - he was real to them, you know?

I’m not entirely sure I do. You are called Foxes. What’s the largest animal you’ve ever killed?
I’m not sure I’ve killed anything very big. I killed a really big cockroach in Texas, at South By Southwest.

How big was it?
Really big.

What about the badger cull - do you think that is justified?
Uh, explain it to me?

[The full logistics of the badger cull are explained to Foxes up to and including the life story of agriculture minister Owen Patterson and the reasonable scientific limits of cross-species epidemiology]

Well, no. I don’t think it should be happening then.

So you’re happy for cows to die from TB? They can get knotted as far as your concerned?
Yeah.

Would you hit a badger with a rock if it really deserved it?
I don’t know. Sketch a scenario to me and I’ll tell you.

Like maybe it had been feeling up some young badgers and then covered it up on account of its good connections with BBC upper management?
Yeah, I think maybe I could live with that.

What about a badger that had just been uncomfortably sleazy?
No. It could live. It has rights too.

Who would win in a fight between a badger and a baboon?
Baboon.

Who would win in a fight between a badger and world boxing champion David Haye?
David Haye.

Who would win in a fight between David Haye and a bundle of hay?
Hay(e).

Correct. You recently featured on the Fall Out Boy album. Where were you when you first heard that Pete Wentz’s penis had hit the internet?
I honestly didn’t know it was on the internet. Is it? Is it really?

Of course it is. The unmasking of Pete Wentz’s penis was a seminal moment for amateur genital revelation in modern internet culture. It lit the taper on a world of celebrity genitals. In many ways, Kanye’s penis is a direct descendent of Pete Wentz’s penis.
Is Kanye’s penis on there too?

Yes! Where have you been? You worked with this guy and you didn’t even do basic Google penis research?
I think you seem to take a very strong interest in these men's penises. Is your penis on the internet? Is that what you’re trying to tell me?

I’m sorry but you can’t flip things round like that. This is my interview. My rules. If you make me look bad I’ll just edit it out.
I’m just saying, you seem to know an awful lot…

Moving on… You were in a Debenhams ad. But would you do an ad for Britain’s biggest arms manufacturers, BAE Systems?
It depends for how much money, I guess. For a million quid. Yeah. Why not.

The Metro has exclusively revealed that you "delight in receiving kinky tweets from fans." It quotes you as saying: “The other day someone said 'I want to drink your bath water and lick your toes'.” To the nearest ten, how many litres do you think it would be fun to watch someone drink your bath water for, before it just started getting a bit weird?
I feel like it’d probably be funny for about two litres. Then they’d probably start crying or wet themselves or something and it’d start to get less funny. Though it might get funnier again after that - you know how when you’re laughing at something for a long time, it seems to come in waves?

Completely. Can you name anyone whose bath water you’d be basically ok with drinking?
Uh… I’m not sure I can.

What about Fearne Cotton - she seems quite clean, doesn’t she? I imagine you just have to wipe her down with a damp cloth every few weeks like a good leather jacket…
Well, she’s up there, certainly.

You once tweeted only the word ‘boobs’ and it got a lot of traffic. But what’s the dirtiest word you know?
Probably "blowjob".

Why?
I dunno there’s just something about it that makes you visualise it, isn’t there. You see the image in your head.

I think it’s the fact that it’s a composite word. Initially, your brain sees two pictures, both innocuous. Of ‘blowing’. And of ‘a job’. You see both these pictures, then your brain pieces together that the actual meaning is neither, and it freaks out.
Well there you go, I think you’ve explained it much better than me.

Foxes, you are too kind.

Follow Gavin on Twitter: @hurtgavinhaynes

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