CAPS LOCK REVIEWS
-
Surfer Blood's 'Pythons' Is for When I Want to Have a Carefree Afternoon Full of Aggression
I'M GONNA GO FILM A SKATE VIDEO PART TO THE SHIT. Full Story
-
J. Cole's 'Born Sinner' Is OK But Maybe I'm Just In a Great Mood
I FEEL LIKE I'M LISTENING TO MY FRIEND COMPLAIN WHILE I'M PLAYING CALL OF DUTY HIGH. Full Story
-
30 Seconds to Mars' 'Love, Lust, Faith, and Dreams' Is Male Bare Midriff Music
JARED LETO IS ON SOME OTHER SHIT B. YOU'RE A PRETTY OKAY ACTOR MY GUY THIS WHOLE "I'M IN A ROCK BAND" SHIT IS WILD ANCILLARY. YOU COULD PROLLY EAT OFF DOING MOVIES WHERE YOU STARE LOVINGLY INTO CAREY MULLIGAN'S EYES OR SOME SHIT. Full Story
-
French Montana's 'Excuse My French' Is a Masterpiece Full of Arbitrary Violence and Strip Club Sonatas
THIS IS THIS GENERATION'S 'ILLMATIC' AND IF YOU DISAGREE YOU'VE NEVER SHOT A GUN AT ANOTHER HUMAN. Full Story
-
The National's 'Trouble Will Find Me' Is Musical Ambien
YO I ACTUALLY FELL ASLEEP LISTENING TO THIS I'M NOT EVEN KIDDING B. Full Story
-
Waka Flocka's 'DuFlocka Rant: Halftime Show' Is Good But It Comes Nowhere Close to Achieving the Sheer Power of the Musical Violence on 'DuFlocka Rant 2'
I REALLY RELY ON WAKA TO UNABASHEDLY SUPPORT ME IN MY BAD LIFE CHOICES. Full Story
-
Styles P's 'Float' Has Kinda Shitty Beats But Styles Is Still the Hardest Rapper Out (Pause)
I'M NOT BLOWN AWAY BY THESE BEATS MY NIGGA THESE ARE THE "TWO CHEESEBURGERS" MEAL AT MCDONALDS WHEN WHAT I REALLY NEED IS THAT DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER (PAUSE) WITH EXTRA PICKLES (WILD PAUSE). Full Story
-
Iggy and the Stooges' 'Ready to Die' Kind of Expresses Dangerous Sentiment
THIS IS ROCK MUSIC FOR A "SONS OF ANARCHY" VIDEO GAME FOR GAMEBOY COLOR. IGGY'S VOICE SOUNDS CRAZY DISINTERESTED ON 80% OF THESE JOINTS. Full Story
-
Charli XCX's 'True Romance' Is Beautiful and Perfect Pop Music, Or Maybe I'm Just Having a Good Day
ONCE AGAIN THIS JUST GOES TO SHOW THAT MUSIC REVIEWS ARE BULLSHIT B. Full Story
-
Rob Zombie's 'Regeneration Vendor' Makes Mothers Cry Because When Their Children Listen to it They Inadvertently Prove That They Are Devoid of Swag
IF YOU'RE A NORMAL HUMAN THAT HAS SEX SOMEWHAT REGULARLY AND DOESN'T CHEW UP FOOD THEN STICK THEIR TONGUE OUT LIKE "BLLLEEEEGGGHHH" WHILE ROLLING YOUR EYES BACK THEN YOU NEED TO NOT FUCK WITH THIS AT ALL B. Full Story
-
Kid Cudi's 'Indicud' is an Audio Cokedream
A LOT OF THESE JOINTS ARE COOL BUT ALOT OF IT IS (SEEMINGLY) THE CULMINATION OF THIS DUDE BLOWING MAD PERICO AND WRITING SONGS ABOUT HOW HE'S A SUPER ALIEN RAP GOD. Full Story
-
Ian McCulloch's 'Holy Ghost' is Music for a Grandfather in a Starbucks
I KNEW THIS SHIT WAS GONNA BE PRETENTIOUS AS FUCK BECAUSE THE TITLE SOUNDS LIKE A DOG EARED NOVEL A WHITE LADY WOULD BE READING ON THE L TRAIN. Full Story
-
Paramore's Self-Titled Album is Music for Teens to Saunter Through Food Courts To
WHITE PEOPLE LISTEN TO ME. PUT THE FUCKING UKULELE DOWN. Full Story
-
Tyga's 'Hotel California' is Half Good as Long as You Forget You're Listening to Tyga
THE FACT THAT YOU COULD CLONE THIS NIGGA 30 TIMES AND STILL NOT EVEN BEGIN TO APPROACH THE WEIGHT LIMIT OF A STANDARD ELEVATOR IS IRRELEVANT WHEN YOU HEAR THE DRUMS ON "500 DEGREES," YOU FEEL ME? Full Story
-
The Knife's 'Shaking the Habitual' is Actively Irritating
WHAT THE FUCK IS GOIN ON BRUH? THERE'S A RECORD LABEL THAT CONDONES THIS B? Full Story
-
Brad Paisley's "Accidental Racist" is Just Regular Racist, and His Album 'Wheelhouse' is Bad
BEING "PROUD TO BE WHITE" APPEARS VERY RACIST EVEN IF YOU THINK IT'S LIKE BEING PROUD TO BE BLACK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT AND BEING LIKE "I'M PROUD TO BE ICELANDIANESE" OR "IRISH" OR "GERMAN" OR WHATEVER OTHER SWAGGERLESS COUNTRY OF ORIGIN. Full Story
-
Cappadonna' 'Eyrth, Wynd, and Fyre' Contains Approximately 8900 Bars of Rappity Rapping
THIS ALBUM IS SO LONG AND BORING HE PROBABLY GOT A CEASE & DESIST FROM EARTH WIND & FIRE (NOT THE GROUP, THE ACTUAL ELEMENTS) AND HAD TO SPELL THE SHIT WRONG AS A LEGAL LOOPHOLE. Full Story
-
The Strokes' 'Comedown Machine' Proves they are a Generic Rock Band, B
YO THIS ALBUM DOESNT SUCK BUT IT DOESN'T NOT SUCK...YOU FEEL ME? Full Story
-
Justin Timberlake's 'The 20/20 Experience' is Good, but Only Because He's in the Illuminati
I'M POPPING IN THE STREETS RIGHT NOW LAST THING I NEED IS TO BE SACRIFICIED TO AN OWL STATUE BEFORE I MAKE MY FIRST $5000. Full Story
-
The Kid Mero Reviewed All Three Bauuer Songs Currently on Spotify
THIS SOUNDS LIKE I BLEW 4 GRAMS OF MOLLY UP MY NASAL AND WAS INSTRUCTED TO "MAKE A SONG FOR WHITE PEOPLE USING ONLY FROOTYLOOPS AND CRIME MOB SAMPLES." Full Story
-
Macklemore & Ryan Lewis' 'The Heist' is Incredibly Wacklemore
WHAT IS A MACKLEMORE? THAT SHIT SOUNDS LIKE A SPECIES OF TROUT WHO NATURAL HABITAT IS THE MALL OF AMERICA. Full Story
-
We had The Kid Mero Review the 15-Second Daft Punk Snippet
I BET THEY WERE IN THE STUDIO LIKE "JACQUES LET UZ DO A HOW ZOO YOU SAY? EHH, "FONKI BAZE LION?" AND OTHER DUDE WAS LIKE "OUI OUI FRANCOIS ALL ZEE BEETCHES AHH.. ZAY WEEL S'EBROUER ZEE COCAINE NO?" Full Story
-
YG's "Just Re'd Up 2" Mixtape Is Wild Boring
I STARTED LISTENING TO THIS SHIT AND INSTEAD OF CONCENTRATING SO I COULD DELIVER A VERY WELL THOUGHT OUT KNOWLEDGEABLE REVIEW I STARTED BROWSING REAL ESTATE LISTINGS IN VERY RICH AREAS OF NEW JERSEY SO I COULD MOVE OUT THE HOOD ONCE VICE GIVES ME A MILLION DOLLARS. Full Story
-
Waka Flocka's DuFlocka Rant 2 is Pure Crack Except for One Song About College Girls or Some Shit
THANK YOU WAKA FOR STAYING IN YOUR LANE WHICH IS MAKING MUSIC TO CRASH YOUR CAR TO. Full Story
-
Ablebody's 'All My Everybody' EP is the Soundtrack to an Imaginary (But Very Sexual) Garden State Remake
THIS SHIT STARTED OFF WITH A VERY STRONG "SOFT FOCUS LOVEMAKING WITH WHITE COLLEGIATE YOUNG WOMAN" VIBE NOW THE VIBE IS "I'M OVERDOSING ON HEROIN OH SHIT I'M DYING I KNOW I'M DYING FUCK! BUT IT FEELS SO GOOD FUCK IT *PERISHES*" Full Story
-
Pig Destroyer's Live Flexi Disc for Decibel Magazine Sounds Like White People Workout Music (In a Good Way)
SHOUTOUT TO ALL THE BROS ON ELLIPTICALS LISTENING TO THIS SHIT. Full Story
-
Juelz Santana's "God Will'n" Mixtape Makes Me Want to Punch a Train in the Face
THIS IS THE NEW SHIT FOR YOU TO DRIVE AROUND SMOKIN WEED THEN PULL OVER OCCASSIONALLY TO BEAT A DUDE UP BECAUSE HE PUSHED YOU IN 7TH GRADE OR HE LOOKS LIKE A DUDE THAT DID. Full Story
-
Hollywood Undead's "Notes From The Underground" Is Extra Embarrassing Teenager Music
THIS IS A NAUSEATING COMBINATION OF KORN AND SLIPKNOT AND LINKIN PARK AND A BAG OF CIRCUMCISED DICKS. Full Story
-
Black Veil Brides' "The Story of the Wild Ones" Is Insane and Terrible
I CAN SEE DIRTY FINGERNAILED PROTO-INSANE CLOWN POSSE FANS WITH LIP PIERCINGS IN FLYOVER STATES STOMPIN MUDHOLES INTO EACH OTHER TO THIS SHIT WHILE WEARING GIANT PILLOWY DC SKATE SHOES. Full Story
-
A$AP Rocky's "Long.Live.A$AP" Consists Of Very Rare Gothic Ethereal Soundscapes
NAMASTE TO YOUR FACIAL, PEACE AND BLESSINGS. Full Story
-
Pantha du Prince's New Record Is "Space Hippie Light Bondage Music"
"THIS SOUNDS LIKE ME WALKIN THROUGH A WIND CHIME WITH A BONER." - The Kid Mero on Pantha's "Elements of Light." Full Story
-
Christopher Owens - "Lysandre"
THIS DUDE HAS OUTSTANDING SESAME STREET SWAG. THIS ALBUM REVIEW HAS BE BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE LETTER "SOFTINGTON." Full Story
-
Ace of Base's Secret Nazi Past
Before he founded Ace of Base, Ulf Ekberg was a member of Commit Suiside, a Nazi punk band.
-
Parquet Courts - "Light Up Gold Road Trip" (Full Documentary)
In this new documentary, Noisey follows rising indie rockers Parquet Courts from Mexico to Texas and London as they tour to support their debut LP, 'Light Up Gold.'
-
Yung Lean Doer Is the Weirdest 16-Year-Old White Swedish Rapper You'll Hear This Week
Yung Lean raps over pillow-fluffy beats and raps about glory holes and Arizona Iced Tea. Who the fuck is this kid? And why is he like this?
-
Adam Ant - The British Masters, Chapter 6
Noisey's John Doran talks with the great post-punk pop star Adam Ant about tribal body mods and layering tape.
-
Photos: Taking Acid at Coachella
When Paley sent these photos in, she included a nice little caveat over email that we've decided to reprint here in full, not only because it's too good to edit, but because her photographs of her and her weird buddies riding the snake are some of the best
-
R.I.P. Storm Thorgerson (1944-2013)
On Thursday, the hyper-talented graphic designer, artist, and famed album cover creator Storm Thorgerson passed away after a battle with cancer. He was 69 years old.
-
The Internet Is Scary
As of six months ago, my Facebook fanpage is like a dojo where hormonal teenagers hone their technique. Here is a heartfelt poem from some kid who wants to rape, kill, and marry me.
-
I Accidentally Touched Little Richard's Butt One Time
It was in the Detroit airport. After it happened Little Richard said, "He graze my derriere."
-
Listen to St. Lucia's Remix of The Colourist's "Little Games"
Last month, Cali quartet the Colourist released "Little Games," and St. Lucia just pulled a warm Balearic blanket over the whole thing, sanding away its rough edges with bright synths and lightly gated percussion.
-
Aaron Montaigne, Godfather of Screamo, is More Interesting Than You Can Ever Hope to Be - Part Two
On surviving combat in Iraq and Afghanistan with the help of magic, 'Bladerunner,' and everything in between.
NOW PLAYING ON YOUTUBE
