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Music

The Hottest Alt-Bros at Coachella

"Wait, is your cum gluten-free?"

All Photos by Kyle Ward

For me, Coachella means two things: crashing parties, and checking out the exceptionally high concentration of hot-ass bros. Everywhere I looked there was a beautiful bro, gallivanting around, shirtless, in all his masculine glory. The pool where all these bros congregated to drink beers and swim became a watering hole where I felt the need to answer to my animal instincts. There were bros as far as the eye could see. Yung (probably underage) bros, old(er) bros, scruffy bros whose chests I wanted to caress, unnaturally hairless bros I wanted to rub suntan lotion all over. Soon even girls started morphing into bros, a mirage caused by the excruciating heat of the desert and my unquenchable thirst to find the most caliber specimens of the male breed. This past weekend I scoured the party grounds for the hottest bros I could find from every genre. Here they are. And sorry, but I’m dating all of them.

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THE REALITY TV STAR BRO AKA TOM SANBROVAL If you thought Tom Sandoval was hot onscreen, he’s even hotter in real life. I clearly need to open my own restaurant to enslave hot yung bros to work for me. Lisa Van Der Pump knows what’s up.

THE MODEL BROS AKA THE BRODELS I. JUST. WANT. TO. STARE. AT. YOUR. FACES. ALL. DAY.

THE FRAT BROS AKA THE WTF ARE THESE BROS DOING AT COACHELLA BROS I want to purposely lose in a game of college beer pong to these bros then stumble all over them like “TEEHEE, I’M 19 AND DRUNK.”

THE BUSINESS PROFESSIONAL BROS AKA THE BROFESSIONALS CAN WE ROLEPLAY AS BOSS AND SECRETARY? LIKE NOW?

THE BODYBUILDER BRO AKA THE BRODYBUILDER AKA THE BUILD-A-BRO I want this dude to make me a really bomb kale-n-molly smoothie from his Magic Bullet, watch him do all 12 P90X DVDs in 72 seconds, lick every inch of his insanely chiseled rock hard Greek God body, then carve a lifesize marble statue of him, and not be able to tell the difference between the two, just so I can worship it for days.

THE FRENCH BRO AKA GERARD BREHPARDIEU Make passionate love to me as I pretend you’re Manuel Ferrera.

THE ARTIST BRO AKA THE BRARTIST AKA LEO DICAPRIBRO IN TITANIC Take my clothes off, paint a portrait of me lying naked on a couch, then RAVISH me for hours.

THE DILF BRO AKA THE BRO WHOSE DICK IS GUARANTEED TO WORK BECAUSE HE'S GOT A KID ALREADY No one makes a better sugar daddy than an older, more experienced man with kids.

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THE STREETWEAR BRO AKA THE HYPEMEAT
Having a one-night stand with this bro then leaving the next morning with all of his clothes like “OOPZ.”

THE NATURE BRO AKA YUNG NUBILE PARK RANGER AKA SMOKEY THE BRO Wait, is your cum gluten-free?

Jazper Abellera is the protector of The Realm. He's on Twitter - @BOYTWEETSWORLDX

Want more Coachella? Here are the non-hot Bros of Coachella, as well as an ode to the basic bitches who love them.