Who Is Going to Have Sex to Rita Ora and Liam Payne's 'Fifty Shades' Song?

Anyone? Anyone at all?

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Jan 5 2018, 3:05pm

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Ah yes, it's that time again. The first hints will come soon, when you see your mum tagged in a meme by her saucy mate on Facebook: something like "Comment with someone who needs their own Mr Grey LOL" superimposed on top of a black and white photo of Jamie Dornan fulfilling his contractual obligations and looking unhappy about it. Hear ye, hear ye: dig out the unscented lube and structurally reinforce all suburban branches of Ann Summers, for a new Fifty Shades of Grey film—Fifty Shades Freed, the last in the franchise—is on the horizon, looming over us like your dad over your mum during their annual Valentine's Day fumble, which, as its released on February 9, Fifty Shades Freed will be just in time for.

As always, there's a new 'show stopping' duet to soundtrack the release of the new Fifty Shades film. Last time around we got Taylor Swift and Zayn's sterile "I Don't Wanna Live Forever," which was about as sexless as sandpaper, so you'd be forgiven for thinking that the depths could not be plumbed any further. This year, however, we have Rita Ora (who, for the record, is actually very sexy) and Mr. "Strip That Down" So I Can Touch Your Boobs for Three Minutes Before I Fall Asleep himself, Liam Payne, a man who is so unsexy as to actually be a sex vacuum in a bomber jacket, hoovering any and all of Rita's sexiness down his wide throat, and spewing it back up as the grey dust and carpet bits of his own vocal performance. They have done a song called "For You" which would be entirely better if Rita, whose voice sounds very pretty here, had been left to her own devices. Here it is:

This is a fine song with a serviceable chorus, and while I have said my piece on the addition of Payne (he even makes "ecstasy" sound like a bit of old biscuit), I do not think it is particularly bad. But I wonder: is it actually fit for purpose? Isn't the Fifty Shades song for... sex? Really, who is doin' it to this song? The fast pace does not really lend itself to sensuous lovemaking, and it sounds more like it belongs in a Yates' on a Friday than it does in the bedroom. I'm confused, honestly, and if your mum was hoping for something more like Beyoncé's sexy version of "Crazy In Love," she's going to be very disappointed.

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