We Interviewed the Guy Who Had the Best/Worst Crotch-Plant of 2017

This article originally appeared on Noisey Austria.

Unless you've been busy climbing Mount Everest or just deprived yourself of any form of social media or information over the past few weeks, you've probably heard about this video: The one of the guy who, after attending an afterhours party at the Flex nightclub in Vienna, elegantly jumped into the Danube Canal and simultaneously tested the strength of the sidewalk's railings. If you're unacquainted with the clip, go watch it quickly, and then ask yourself if Internet Explorer is really the right browser for you.

We spared no effort to arrange an exclusive meeting with the Danube Canal Diver. As you can probably imagine, it wasn't easy to locate the Greg Louganis of the Danube Canal. The dear man is quite a space cadet, and our communication was spotty, but I ultimately managed to track down and meet with Mr. DAMNube himself (yeah, I'm proud of it).

For obvious reasons, we didn't meet at Flex. While it would've carried great nostalgic value, I didn't want to run the risk of Lionel suddenly sailing back into the channel during our interview. So we met in a place where he could still be off the beaten path: The stairs in front of the Mumok art museum. Among other things, he told me about how he came up with this shitty idea and which kind of ice cream his butt cheeks prefer.

Noisey: First of all, Lionel, how's your tailbone?
Lionel: My tailbone is doing well. After the stunt, my left butt was really swollen. But it looked quite funny: So red, yellow, blue, green, black—like a dark rainbow, really. An ass-rainbow. Wow, nice word, right? Directly from the mouth of the nude noob from the Danube. Let's order a beer over there! [We stroll in the direction of a bar.]

You're a poet!
Right now my foot is a bit fucked up from sliding down stair railings. You know, Lionel rhymes with the French word for 'fuckhead'. [Editor's note: No, it doesn't.] I was born in France.

Wait, do you also slide down stair railings?
Yeah, about twice a week. It's much faster [than walking]!

What's the deal? Why do you do all the crazy shit you're doing?
Well, that's not so hard. I'm just trying to have fun. You should try it too—it's not that hard, to be honest. I was just there and I was goddamn drunk, and that's why my dive wasn't the cleanest. So now I have an open shinbone and scratches on my chest. It looks pretty cool, actually—kind of like I got clawed by a bear.

Are you telling people stories like "I was attacked by a giant brown bear?"
No. I mean: He's dead, I'm fine.

Let's go back to Danube Canal stunt. How the hell did you come up with the idea?
I was kicked out of Flex at 5:00 AM because I danced on the stage. So I was there, up on this railing right in front of the DJ. I already knew that they'd kick me out, but I was already warmed up from dancing and just felt like doing it. [Looks at his beer] Fuck, is that an Ottakringer? This is the shittiest beer in Vienna. Don't write that, otherwise everyone in Vienna is going to hate me.

Don't worry, they already love you for your video, not for your taste in beer. What happened next?
Well, I also had my bag and my jacket stolen in the club. There was a lot of stuff in it: My American passport, my cellphone, and other things that make your night enjoyable.

So then you jumped into the Danube Canal.
Before I went to Flex, I saw the Danube Canal. I was pretty high and thought it'd be a great idea. I didn't know it was just a channel. I actually thought it was just a normal river. And when I was kicked out [of the club], I still had quite a lot of energy. Woah! Thanks at this point to that guy! Well, and then I jumped. It just a bit went wrong. I should've planned the trash bin boost a bit better.

How did the Danube Canal actually feel?
It was actually pretty cool and refreshing. I jumped in three times, I think. That's why I have wet hair at the beginning of the video.

Would you do it again? Maybe with a flip?
Definitely! It's not too deep though, so you have to be careful. After the jump I was about ten inches deep in shit.

That's horrible. Didn't you get sick?
No. It's good for the immune system. We're all made of bacteria. A normal human body can take a beating like that. We're all full of shit, anyway.

But we're not meant to dive into that shit.
Well, how do you know? I've been to more disgusting places than that. This isn't the craziest thing I've ever done.

So what is?
Two chicks at the same time! No, I don't know. I'll get back to you if I remember. That same day I actually also climbed to the second level of Flex. I would've found it funny if I'd come back inside again and left. But I laughed too much to actually get up [all the way]. Shoutout to Uwe, who let me sleep with him.

Do you realize roughly eight million people have seen the video?
Eight million? Cheers to science! I'm just trying to figure out where the video was shared. Supposedly the video was sold by a Viennese news agency to the LADbible without my permission. So I have a problem. If I'm in my underwear on the internet, then this is my thing and they should ask me, please. If they just share it, well… but if you sell something that isn't yours, it's just bullshit. If they'd asked me I probably would've allowed it anyway. It wouldn't have been too hard to find me. Just give me ten euros for a beer and a bit of ice for my ass, and that'd be enough. Vanilla would be my preference.

Your ass likes vanilla ice cream?
Only the left cheek cheek. The right one likes chocolate.

How do you like Vienna in general, and how would you rate the stuntability of the city?
I'm going to move here—I love Vienna. It's the coolest city I've ever visited. I haven't stayed in every city, but still. You have quite a few freedoms here. You can, for example, go to a bar with a lit cigarette, order a beer, and then walk out with the cigarette and the beer. And then you can smoke a joint with the bartender. The stuntability depends on your mindset. You can perform your tricks anywhere, if you want.

After this viral hit, what are your upcoming goals? Maybe the Oscars?
[Laughs] I don't do this for the attention. It's just for fun, and I like to make people laugh. There's a few stores that won't let me shop there now. My hostel said I can't stay there anymore, and the Grelle Forelle [nightclub] won't let me in, but they don't tell me why.

I've often wondered what it would be like to jump into the Danube. And then you come along and make it look easy.
It shouldn't be like that. You weren't meant to jump into the channel, so someone else did it for you. That works for you already.

Yeah, it's fate.
Oh, I don't believe in that whole thing. I also don't believe in luck. I believe in people. God doesn't bring change in your life, and luck doesn't either. You get what you want most in life when you're open to it. Some people are only small because they think small. It just requires some balls and a bit of riskiness, but some people don't have the balls to risk something — but they're not at fault for that anyways.

Wow, you're a real philosopher. What are your future plans in Vienna?
I need to calm down a bit—to chill out and do less dangerous stuff.

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