Noisey Power Rankings: December 3 - 7

Almost everyone had good weeks—Violent J, Meek Mill, Soulja Boy. Oh, but not Tumblr. Tumblr goes down.

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Dec 7 2018, 4:32pm

Folks, we are in the home stretch of this Hell Year. Surely, all of the world’s problems will be resolved come January 1 and we can start anew. In the meantime, all you have to do is avoid saying anything problematic at your office holiday party, pretend you’re stoked on whatever your auntie gives you for Christmas, and not puke on the person you’re trying to kiss on New Years. Anyway, here’s our Power Rankings, where we determine who had a good week and who had a really shit week. We must've been in the holiday spirit because almost everyone goes up this week!

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The Noisey Staff

Yeah, that's right. We're patting ourselves on the back. The Noisey staff goes way up this week for bestowing upon the internet the 100 best albums of the year (perfect list) and the 100 best songs of the year (not up for debate) and then having to deal with five million angry frat dudes in the comments yelling at us for not including every Post Malone song. Maybe next year, Brad.

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Violent J

Violent J, the Insane Clown Posse member that did not dropkick Fred Durst, went to a furry convention this week. Now, before you laugh at the sight of this adult man dressed as a Juggalo furry, you should know that his daughter is big into furry culture and this seems to be his way of getting some father-daughter bonding time, which is very sweet. OK, now you can laugh.

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Tumblr

Tumblr goes down for banning adult content. Way to kill everything that made your platform cool, Tumblr. Just become a full-on Parks & Rec gif site and get it over with already.

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Thinkpieces

Aw fuck Greta Van Fleet got nominated for a Grammy this week and we’re gonna have to read a zillion bad thinkpieces about their inevitable win, aren’t we? Plus, our internet salve—looking at sexy gifs on Tumblr—will no longer be there to comfort us. The internet is garbage. We’re scrubbing the web of its photos of hot people feeling themselves and replacing them with some music writer nerd’s thoughts on the future of poptimism. This sucks, man.

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Stan Hansen

Noisey reader Stan Hansen (probly not his real name) goes up this week for taking on his annual, self-imposed task of listening to every album on the Noisey Albums of the Year list and giving his honest, surprisingly incisive assessment. He usually gives up before making it to #1 but we’re hoping this will give him encouragement. Go, Stan! We believe in you.

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Middle Fingers

“Middle fingers up, put them hands high
Wave it in his face, tell him, boy, bye”

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Alex Robert Ross

Our lunatic coworker Alex Robert Ross has been writing about a different Christmas song each day this month. We’re honestly a little worried we’re gonna find him frozen and insane out in the snow like in The Shining, but we’ve gotta admit: good writing!

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Harvard Professors

Shoutout to Harvard professors who have the power to say whatever dumb shit comes to their head, like “six French fries is the most healthy number to have with meals” or “16 glasses of wine per month will lead to the perfect orgasm,” and it automatically gets accepted as fact by us internet dumbshits. Teach us, Harvard daddies. We are so very stupid.

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Soulja Boy

Soulja Boy goes up for this almost definitely illegal scam where he's selling questionable emulation boxes. Our colleagues at Waypoint ordered one of them and we can’t wait to wedgie them and take it for ourselves.

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SonicFox

Hey, speaking of video games: A gay, black furry was named the best video game player in the world on Thursday night. He accepted an award from Joel McHale in a fursuit. There's nothing to joke about here—this is just the coolest, punkest thing that could happen to a community that has its share of racist, misogynist, and homophobic fucks. SonicFox forever.

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Tyler Perry

We can’t believe we’re saying this but Tyler Perry goes up for getting into the Christmas spirit and paying off people’s Walmart layaways. Wait, unless this is just a stunt for Madea Goes to Walmart. Hmmmm. We’ll give him the benefit of the doubt. Happy holidays, Tyler Perry! (The liberal media warlords have forbidden us from typing M*rry Chr*stmas since we are foot-soldiers on the War on Christmas. But on the upside, getting a holiday check from George Soros every year is pretty sweet.)

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Meek Mill

Three years ago, Drake delivered a club banger and diss record, "Back to Back," aimed at Meek Mill. It's been a long year of Drake "hiding a child," and Meek fighting for his freedom during a five-month prison stint. Now, the Philly rapper is rapping over the song that could've ended his career and he fucking killed it. We’re glad to see him have this moment. Welcome back, Meek. Also, “Get you wet, running around like you was Rambo” is just a great line.