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Which 'Orange Is the New Black' Characters Are Like Which Popular Rappers?

Because I’m currently broke and I have air conditioning, I’m blowing through Netflix’s WASPy-girl-goes-to-jail drama Orange Is the New Black. Because I’m a one-trick pony, here’s who some of the characters would be if they were rappers.

Because I’m currently broke and I have air conditioning, I’m blowing through Netflix’s WASPy-girl-goes-to-jail drama Orange Is the New Black. Because I’m a one-trick pony, here’s who some of the characters would be if they were rappers.

SPOILERS AHEAD

PIPER CHAPMAN IS MAC MILLER

Less about the race thing than about Miller’s new-found credibility. Piper struggled when she first got to Litchfield, but eventually got her bearings and found her place as a reasonably respected member of the community. She still gets aggressive side-eyes when she launches into a lecture about the actual meaning of “a road less traveled,” but nobody’s perfect. With Movies With The Sound Off, Mac set out to jump from frat rap punchline to LA drug-hop mainstay. He’s pretty much accomplished that goal. And even those who still complain about his rapping were sufficiently swayed by charm-offensive to agree that they at least like the guy as a person.

ALEX VAUSE IS ACE HOOD

Alex is a major character on “Orange” but basically just exists as an emotional foil for Piper and occassionally other inmates. Ace Hood’s biggest hits have nothing to do with Ace Hood. Alex also could totally have woken up in a new Bugatti at some point in her crazy, international drug-dealing life.

LARRY BLOOM IS MACKLEMORE

Piper’s fiancee struggles to maintain an emotional connection with her as she gets increasingly wrapped up with prison life. He uses her experiences to get coverage in the New York Times and on a This American Life-style show on NPR. Most rappers tolerate Macklemore at best but when he was on stage at the Fader Fort with French Montana, it was unconvincing.

RED IS E–40

As the kitchen boss in Litchfield, Red might be the most powerful inmate. She can starve out her enemies and smuggle items in with impunity. She’s also the ersatz mother to a few inmates, especially those who she coddled through detox. Red also worked her way up from the bottom, starting as an annoyance to Russian mob wives and ending up as a factor. 40 Water began his very long career as an unconventional rapper in the relative backwater of Vallejo, California. His hustle and his innovation made him influential and respected even while most fans were looking to New York, LA and the South. He birthed a lot of careers by making a lane for many indie rappers. And his actual kids (Droop-E and ISSUE) are up and coming in their own right.

PENNSATUCKY IS LUPE FIASCO

A zealot with a loyal following but also a large faction that wants her to shut up and go away. Pennsatucky is locked up for shooting a nurse at an abortion clinic for “disrespecting her,” which is about as trife as Lupe performing a 12-minute song criticizing Obama at a party for Obama’s inauguration.

SOPHIA BURSET IS LIL KIM

As a transgender woman, Sophia is the most invested in maintaining her femininity while locked up. She pragmatically uses this to her advantage, becoming Litchfield’s hairdresser. Lil Kim embraced a rap game that saw her as a pair of tits and an ass and made a successful career out of objectifying herself.

MISS CLAUDETTE IS Z-RO

Beneath a prickly and somewhat terrifying exterior, Miss Claudette is caring, maternal and with a deep but dormant love in her past. She’s also a fucking rider, in both her loyalty and her violence. Z-Ro built an entire career on being a sad, hard-ass loner with trust issues. He seemingly only ever let fellow Houstonite Trae into his inner circle and his defining song is about how other people are bad for you called “One Deep.”

TRICIA MILLER IS LIL BOOSIE

Trish comes off at first as young and naive, annoyingly ending every sentence with “yo.” But as the show goes on, she gets rounded out as a troubled soul with a heart of gold. She lacks Boosie’s devoted following but few other rappers embody Trish’s fight to do right against both internal and external struggles as well as he does.

TAYSTEE IS YOUNG DRO

Taystee is a relatively underdeveloped character who has some of the best scenes in the show. Young Dro hasn’t had a hit in a decade and puts out maybe a tape a year but he’s still one of the best out and never disappoints.

PORNSTACHE IS RICK ROSS

LOL

Skinny Friedman is the owner of two kittens. He's on Twitter - @skinny412