Turns out that R/Frat is a real thing, and it's just as horrifying as you'd think.
[Editor's Note: Our Contributing Editor Ezra recently went to a frat party at Dartmouth and it blew his mind. Then, he discovered that such a thing as R/frat exists. Then, he wrote this. It is, if you could not tell, satire.]
Sup, I'm Nick. I'm a regular guy. I play water polo, hang out with my Pi Kappa Alpha bros, and when the weekend rolls around I slam the finest pieces on campus. Problem? Haha. I also love goin' online. Some of the older brothers think the internet's for gay nerds, 'cause one time Jack Vittolino got a virus when he clicked on a picture of tits someone sent him on Runescape chat. Fair enough, but I'm sorry, is there anything more full of win than coming home after practice, chuggin' a couple 'Stones and hoppin' on Reddit? They have everything on there—seriously epic fails, rage comics for the lulz, hot babes, and cute sloths. It's basically a chill place for regular dudes who like Workaholics, memes, and pounding pussy to hang without getting trolled by GDIs. My favorite's obviously R/frat—those dudes have helped me through some real shit, like when I thought there was a ghost in the frat house because every morning my Sperries were mysteriously filled with cum. Haha, TFM. So, yesterday I got uber stoked when I discovered a new subreddit called r/favorite party songs of 2013—usually we just play "Numb/Encore" on repeat cause like, duh, but lately girls have been pleading for an update so I thought, "What the hell, lets see what my fellow Bredditors* have to say." Hasta La Musica, hombres!
*Bro + Redditor, my friend started it but I like saying it too, haha
Word, thanks BJ. Gotta check that one out. What else are chicks into?
LOL totally. That track is epic, 'cause it praises the rugged beauty of America and also weed. Chill. You know what's not chill? The blatant misandry you showed by ignoring the fact that men love music too:
Damn straight. Wait, *every* single person?
Yeah well, thing is, certain types of, you know, Urbans, they don't like to sing along to Wagon Wheel, because wagons can't travel into the inner-city. They don't understand the vibe or whatever. But what do they like?
There's a black fraternity on my campus. It's fairly epic actually, they love twerking and trap. Turn up! Anyway, what would you suggest Cowboyhaze?
Truuuue! Jam bands are super epic, just like bacon, Ron Swanson, and Grumpy Cat. In fact, Phish guitar solos last the exact amount of time it takes to epic-ly troll your pledges by making them suck your dick and keep it a secret. TFM! Some people seem to think that jam bands won't cover all the bases, though:
Man, trying to show love for the USA, troll pledges and get the bitches going without isolating the urbans can be a total freakin' fail. Isn't there something everyone can agree on?
Amen, bro. "Hey Ya"' freakin' owns because it mixes urban rap with patriotic country guitars and a lady-friendly chorus. Andre. 3000. Is. Epic. Just don't let these girls get too comfortable:
Hah :) One time that song came on and I totally yakked all over this pledge who was about to suck my dick under the beerpong table. Epic fail! Relax ladies, you know we love you. Honestly, frat boys are hopeless romantics:
Ok, a couple quick words about EDM—it owns! The drops are epic, the beats are filthy, and there are a lot of mashups with urban/mainstream singers and electro house beats that sorostitutes can sing along to while you get your rageboner on.
U mad, bro? I'm with Drewtangclan on this one. EDM is sorta cutting edge, so you catch a lot of hate from people that aren't ready *sips PBR, rides fixie, haha*. I'm going to have to don my Hate-brero*, though, when I tell you that certain types of music just does not own:
Hater + Sombrero. Another one my friend came up with.
Yeah, TLC is pretty gay, 'cause as far as I know "Waterfalls" means making the pledges stand in a circle and drink each other's piss. A whole song about that? Uhh, okay lol. Also, poors really do need to step it up. My frat threw a charity event where we hired a DJ from UNICEF and he literally played nothing but dubstep. Like, have you even heard of trap? *sighs* Well, enough for today. Catch you on the flipside, boys!
Ezra Marcus is an absolute insane person. He's on Twitter - @ezra_marc