What I Learned about Style from Solange's "Lovers in the Parking Lot"

Solange is a sartorial goddess, let us count the ways.

It's now obvious to me why the Kardashians are so popular. Watching Solange's "Lovers in the Parking Lot" gave me the depressing sense that I am far too round and short to ever look good in super fashionable outfits. And I guess for most women, being tall and perfectly insect-like, with an angelic face shrouded in a halo of curls is a similar unreality. Solange is inaccessible, lithe, angular, and perfect. On the other hand, I'm 5'1 and despite having huge knockers, I've now resigned myself to a lifetime of H&M Curve. All I have left to comfort me is Kimmy K's ugly cry face and her leather pregnancy skirts.

Solange is so good she even has the kind of novelty shoe laces that would have made pre-pubescent me pee all up in my denim overalls. But if I tried to wear flashing neon laces now I would probably come off like some creepy Tumblr fashion blogger desperately trying to infantilize myself as I ungracefully clawed my way to thirty. Solange, as we established, is perfect, ergo she makes 90s-kid dream-laces look effortlessly high fashion.

But here comes the curve ball: Solange is fashionably fallible. Perhaps mercifully, Solange teaches us that even if you are the paragon of bodily perfection, it still pays to make sure your clothes fit properly. Her metallic sweater, while paired with the coolest shoelaces on earth, does not fit her properly, and it looks bad. Bad! Can you imagine? A thing on Solange looks bad! I feel blasphemous even saying it, but the way the sweater puckers across her collar make it look stiff and crunchy, and when she's dancing it's really not making the most flattering shapes on her body. Perhaps it looks better when she's standing still.

On the bright side, Solange makes me feel quite good about pink being my favorite color. I don't think it would hurt for there to be some sort of pink day, where everyone is required to wear pink chiffon t-shirts and metallic short-shorts and dance around in pointy heels. I'm not going to lie—that actually sounds like the best day ever. Although we may have to concoct some extra dance moves to accommodate those of us who aren't all limbs.

Let's enjoy the pink with some balloons. P-A-R-T-Y.

I'm pretty sure Solange is biting a signature Gaga dance move here, but I'll give her a free pass for being a) Solange and b) being Beyoncé's sister, because I'm pretty sure I remember this move from the "Telephone" video, which obviously Beyoncé was in.

By now one thing that should be well and truly garnered from "Lovers in the Parking Lot" is that metallics are seriously IN. Like, if you're not wearing metallics, then you are decidedly OUT. Metallic sweaters, shirts, shorts, dresses—the application of metallic fabrics is indiscriminate and its reign totalitarian. All other textures are officially boring. If it doesn't sparkle, then GTFO. Unfortunately however, the unavoidable issue with metallic fabrics is that they fit absolutely terribly. So I'm not really sure whether or not Solange's video is teaching me that I must wear metallics, or that I must not. I am deeply confused right now. (Help.)

Less ambiguous metallic is the the gold wrist bling framing Solange's voguing. One thing that Solange is particularly adept at is making excess seem minimal. Whether she's absolutely Kasbah rocking in a full printed suit or getting her Liberace on with chunky gold, Solange has an innate way of making stylistic decadence seem completely controlled.

The same applies to Solange's signature hair and make-up style: it's always a lot, but never too much. Opting for natural hair and a clean face, Sol makes me want to embrace my Jew-fro and wear orange lipstick all the time. It's also important to note that head flippy dance moves make natural curls bounce like they are alive. The perfect accessory for totally dominating any dancefloor one might have the inclination to dominate.

The biggest complaint I have about "Lovers in the Parking Lot" is that there's not more of this dress, or a still shot of it, or even the whole thing in the frame at once. This is the dress I want to get married in. And give birth in. I want to wear this dress when I win a Grammy. I want to wear it to my future kid's graduation. I want to die in it. I basically want every major milestone for the rest of my life to revolve around this particular dress. One dress to rule them all. The spirit of Diana Ross is strong with this one.

One thing I often find difficult to understand is "the kids these days" and one thing that seems to be "hawt" with this particularly enigmatic demographic is crop tops and sportswear in general. Here is Solange doing her best interpretation of the trend in what appears to be silk boxing shorts and matching crop top, which is quite TLC/SaltN'Peppery meets modern Miley. I would imagine this particularly bold look only works in music videos. And Bushwick. Meanwhile, the printed robe she's got over the top is an absolute treat.

Finally, let's talk about the shoes. It's always been my sincerest belief that you can wear a black sack or a pair of jeans and still be the fashioniest fashionista in the room if you have the right shoes. Obviously Solange is too Everything to ever wear a black sack or jeans, blergh, but her shoes are the icing on the sartorial cake. The pattern and weird 70s-cum-geisha heel, seems incongruous and impractical, yet desperately essential to this outfit, and possibly every outfit anyone ever wears henceforth.

Despite some poor fits, Solange emerges once again as music's fashion butterfly. Between wishing my legs looked so spidery and wanting to fight her for that pink glitter disco dress, the one thing that continues to ring true is that Solange—even in a shirt that is puckering in all the wrong places—is more stylish than any of us could ever hope to be. And so it goes that I will attempt to fill the void left by unforgiving metallic shorts that I just can't seem to squeeze my ass into, with Scott Disick doing the Todd Crane's voice, because unless your Solange, it all comes back to Kardashian.

Kat is currently having a seamstress make her the pink glitter disco dress and she's on Twitter - @kat_george.

Style Stage is an ongoing partnership between Noisey & Garnier Fructis celebrating music, hair, and style.