WAIT WHAT IF THE WORLD ACTUALLY DID END???
Philosophical question: What if the apocalypse actually did happen at 6:11 this morning and nobody noticed? Like, what if the Mayans' prediction that our epoch was going to end and a new one was to began didn't mean that the world was going to end, but actually just that a bunch of stuff about our society was going to subtly change? Think about it. Instagram decided it could sell all of our photos so evil advertising companies. Everyone is making friends over the Internet. A$AP Rocky made a song with Skrillex. SoundCloud looks different now. DON'T YOU SEE HOW IT'S ALL CHANGED??? Anyways, this is pretty much the last day at the Noisey office until 2012, and it's weirdly warm outside. It's not Shorts Weather or anything, but it's not exactly freezing. I've only really worn gloves out to the bar on, like, one night all December. That means something. Anyways, here's what happened in mainstream music news this week that you didn't hear about:
PSY, that kinda fat America-hating, imaginary horse-riding K-Pop dude, surpassed a billion views on YouTube. I'm pretty sure there's some sort of Nostradamus prophecy that says once PSY hits a billion views on YouTube we're all fucked. Oh, I just googled it and you can read about how we're all supposed to be dead here. Oh well. Gangnam Style is the ultimate proof that every generation gets the "Macarena" it deserves.
In this week's "Mild Racism" news, Kanye West has been left off of the 12-12-12 Concert DVD because Racism. But then again, neither is the Paul McCartney/Nirvana two-headed Monster Of Rawk, probably because Ageism.
Metallica is bringing their Orion Festival to Detroit! If I had my way, that would mean that the Orion lineup would only consist of acts from Detroit, meaning that Danny Brown, Insane Clown Posse, Black Milk, The Dirtbombs, Kid Rock, Eminem, Esham, The Stooges, Juan Atkins, Derrick May, His Name Is Alive, and a reunited White Stripes would play Orion next year. But that won't happen because no one has good ideas ever.
Some smartass redid a bunch of Christmas songs in the style of various indie bands and it's great.
Speaking of people who are going to have a merry (read: really fucking shitty) Christmas, Fat Joe (American Icon) just plead guilty to tax evasion! YAYYYYY! Shouts out to CBS for putting his name is scare quotes for some reason in their headline. The thing about rich and famous rappers is that often, literally no one is there to tell them how to manage their money. As a musician, you're technically a self-employed freelance contractor, meaning the government taxes you at a way higher rate than they tax employed people—think about how the government takes money out of your paychecks. They don't do that if you freelance. So what inevitably happens is tax season hits, and then they owe a bajillion dollars to the government that they don't have because they've been spending all of their money as soon as they get it. So then they just don't pay their taxes. If the State Of New Jersey chooses to give Fat Joe the harshest sentence they possibly could, Joe will get a $200,000 fine and a prison sentence of two years. On one hand, Fat Joe definitely didn't pay his taxes. On the other, he made "Make It Rain" so he should never have to go to jail for anything ever.
Mac Miller a rapper most famous for both going number-one as an independent artist as well as perpetually looking like a really surprised egg and/or a rapping leprachaun, is going to have his own reality show on MTV2. Hopefully he comes to the Noisey office so I can punch him in the dick and it'll be on camera. HA HA HA JUST KIDDING MOSTLY.
TIME FOR CHARTZXOXOXOXOX: As Christmas approaches (Holy shit it's Tuesday I literally haven't bought any Christmas presents yet dear Jesus), more people start buying CDs to give as gifts. This means a bunch of people bought Taylor Swift's CD, as well as Bruno Mars' and One Direction's. For some reason nobody bought Big Boi's album, which is a fucking bummer. It's fine because nobody bought Green Day's newest CD either.
The Round-Up is taking a break next week but will be back in 2013. Happy Holidays, you bastard.
Drew Millard hates according to this column, but is actually really nice according to real life. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard