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Music

We Reviewed Every Band Playing Coachella 2015

This was exhausting.

Every year for two weekends in April, thousands upon thousands of human beings decend on Indio, California, dressed in their best neon headdress, packed to the max with drugs of all kinds, ready to lose their fucking minds to their favorite music in the whole wide world and document it all on various social media platforms. This is Coachella. In honor of the lineup announcement earlier today, we decided to rank every single band and musician playing the festival—just like we did with Bonnaroo. It's Coachella season, baby!

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Ab-Soul
This is the year Coachella gets woke.

AC/DC
“So does this mean I’ll like, be able to charge my phone?”

Action Bronson
What kind of crazy food will Bronson eat on stage? Find out on Munchies!

Alabama Shakes
This sounds like a mental disease you’d contract after being in the sun too long.

Alesso
This is the name on my shampoo bottle.

Alison Wonderland
She’s Australian.

Allah-Las
Oh, we get it, because we’re like, literally in the desert.

Alt-J
If Google were a rock band.

Alvin Risk
Sounds like someone who still wears shutter shades.

Andrea Olivia
Apparently not female.

Andrew McMahon
If Jim Halpert made music.

Angel Olsen
Yodeling is sweet.

Angus and Julia Stone
Rick Rubin made them popular.

Annie Mac
Some British bird with decks.

Antemasque
The dudes from At the Drive-In but without all the fun of people knowing their songs.

Axwell ? Ingrosso
Question mark.

Azealia Banks
Will Charlie XCX also be there?

Bad Religion
Hope they play their Christmas album!

Bad Suns
These guys are bad.

Belle and Sebastian
The 90s!

Ben Klock
Bent cock.

Benjamin Booker

Bixel Boys
Graphic designers who are also Bloods.

Brand New
I love Taking Back Sunday!

Brant Bjork & the Low Desert Punk Band
This is her weirdest side project yet.

Built to Spill
More like Built to Kill their set list.

Caribou
It’s like getting your PhD while peaking on molly.

Carl Craig
Two first names = not that dope.

Cashmere Cat
*cat emoji* / *sparkle emoji* / *dancing woman emoji*

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Cedric Gervais
This guy sounds like he was a knight who died a very Shakespearean death.

Charles Bradley
One time he made Eric cry.

Chet Faker
Jazz legend.

Chicano Batman
Christian Bale’s side project.

Chris Malinchak
Probably a chef.

Circa Survive
This band was better when they were called Saosin. Actually, no they weren’t.

Claude von Stroke
Whose body will YOU von stroke during this set is the real question.

Clean Bandit
Probably has cool T-shirts at the merch table.

Cloud Nothings
Loud guitars!

Coasts
Rivers.

Danny Tenaglia
Is this guy a magician?

David Guetta
Like the Black Eyed Peas but for Europeans.

Deorro
House music so progressive it lets its kids smoke weed at home.

Desaparecidos
I love this Eagles song.

Dirty South
This better just be a boombox playing Goodie Mob.

DJ Harvey
Resident DJ at the sandwich spot you love.

DJ Snake
Most underrated Simpsons character tbh.

Doc Martin
Yay free shoes!

Drake
Man, Migos really put this guy on.

Drive Like Jehu
This is either a band or the name of a complicated Street Fighter combo.

Dubfire
RIP Robin Williams.

Duke Dumont
You have to wear an ascot to watch this set.

Eagulls
Best band of CMJ 2013.

Erol Alkan
Name of the medicine you have to take to make your urine less acidic.

Father John Misty
Nap time.

Fitz & the Tantrums
This guy has a blonde streak through his hair.

FKA Twigs
Free entry with Google Glasses!

Florence + The Machine
What does this woman even do between music festivals?

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Flosstradamus
Dentist-themed rap.

Flying Lotus
I’m peaking!

George Ezra
British. Born in 1993.

Gesaffelstein
The only real chance during the festival for Kanye to come out.

Glass Animals
Beep!

Gorgon City
Remember Zelda? You fucking better.

Gramatik
NOT the hip-hop mixtape DJ.

Haerts
Really difficult to spell.

Hot Natured (Inclusive of Lee)
Neon (Inclusive of Drugs)

Hozier
On acid? Prepare to have the lamest spiritual experience ever.

Interpol
More like InterLOL.

J.E.S.&S. (Jack Master, Eats Everything, Skream, & Seth Troxler)
I'm peaking again!

Jack White
Who?
Again?
Still?

Jamestown Revival
Literally the least fun thing to revive.

Jamie XX
We won the Revolutionary War for a reason.

Jason Bentley
Not even close to as good as Dierks Bentley.

Jenny Lewis
Come for the music. Stay for the amazing technicolor dreamcoat.

Jon Hopkins
Would rather sit through a lecture at Johns Hopkins.

Joyce Manor
You can’t stagedive at music festivals, so maybe these dudes will actually smile.

Jungle
Bunch of white kids.

Kasabian
How are they still alive?

Kaskade
Impressive dish washing detergent. Leaves few streaks.

Kaytranada
Canadians can make music?

Kele
Could be a type of software.

Keys n Krates
This group is one “K” away from being problematic.

Kiesza

Kimbra
Offers a new, special kind of support for women with DD+ boobs.

Kygo
You should do you kygo workouts twice a day to make sure your pelvic floor is strong.

Lights
All right, this is now too many Canadians.

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Lil B
PERFORMING HIS SET IN 140 CHARACTERS OR LESS BLESS YOU - Lil B

Nothing else matters except showing people how special they are - Lil B

— Lil B From The Pack (@LILBTHEBASEDGOD) January 3, 2015

Loco Dice
“Wow, those are sure some crazy dice.”

Los Rakas
We dem boyz!

Lykke Li
A storm rumbles in the distance as the dark of night time sweeps over the deserts of Indio, California. Tonight will be a crucible for your soul. Beware the shrouded tendrils of misfortune.

Mac Demarco
Literally every guy you went to college with who said they could play guitar who lived on your dorm floor.

Madeon
Run an audible.

Marco Carola
Adam’s musically inclined little brother.

Marina and the Diamonds
Guaranteed a smaller Coachella audience than her sister Lucy in the Sky.

Marques Wyatt
This guy is playing Coachella Music Festival.

Martin Solveig
Has already begun sending Facebook event invites for his set.

Matthew Koma
Slipped into a Koma.

Milky Chance
Milky with a Chance of Coachella Balls.

MK
Their bags are in style this Coachella season!

Nero
Sucks at violin.

New World Punx
Probably have dreads, burlap patchwork pants, and hemp breath.

Night Terrors of 1927
Be sure to check out the Time Travel Experience Tent, presented by Samsung.

Nortec Collective Presents: Bostich + Fussible
This is the algebra equation for doing drugs.

Odesza
Ugh.

OFF!
This will be the year Keith Morris’ dreds finally outmeasure him.

Oliver Heldens
This person is playing Coachella Music Festival.

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Panda Bear
Definitely the best bear.

Parquet Courts
Hot pick for indie rock fans who want to feel edgy.

Perfume Genius
Gonna vogue so fucking hard to this.

Pete Tong
Future super-racist Family Guy punchline.

Phil Selway
Like Coldplay.

Phox
Phox this.

Porter Robinson
Fashionable cologne line.

R3HAB
It’s cool because the “E” is actually a “3.”

RAC
Like regular music, but shittier.

Radkey
When you need a name for your band and the only thing on the table are a radish and a key.

Raekwon and Ghostface Killah
Restore the feeling!

Ratatat
Supplying the dopest beats of 2005.

Reverend Horton Heat
Probably going on tour after this anyway.

Royal Blood
You know that episode of Game of Thrones where the dude gets his eyeballs popped out of his skull? That was nuts.

Ride
A real hit with the early 40s crowd.

Ruen Brothers
Be prepared to cast spells with marked rocks and drink mead in Valhalla.

Ryan Adams
Hope he plays "Summer of '69!"

Run the Jewels
White rap fans are stoked.

Ryan Hemsworth
FUCK YEAH, THOR!

Ryn Weaver
You’ll see this on Instagram.

Saint Motel
A band with a bass player simply named “Dak.”

SBTRKT
Still learning about vowels.

Sloan
Not the one from Entourage.

Squarepusher
Push some squares on your way closer to the stage to see Squarepusher.

St. Lucia
Somewhere we can’t afford to go on vacation.

St. Paul and the Broken Bones
This band is playing Coachella Music Festival.

St Vincent
The best Tim Burton character for sure.

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Steely Dan
CMJ Buzz Band of 1974.

Stromae
Not bad, despite being French.

Swans
Fred.

Sylvan Esso
Interpretive dance to them and don’t feel ashamed.

Tale of Us
Deep house. Deeper. Deeper!

The Cribs
I love my MTV.

Tame Impala
SHROOMS!

The Gaslamp Killer Experience
Gaslight Anthem tribute band.

The Ghost of a Saber Tooth Tiger
Like the Beatles, but shittier.

The Orwells
Not allowed to describe their set as anything other than “Orwellian.”

The War on Drugs
see: Sun Kil Moon

The Weeknd
Don’t leave your drinks unattended.

Tiger and Woods
More or less up to par.

Tini
Probably whimsical.

Todd Terje and the Olsens
This one’s going to be a Full House!

Toro Y Moi
Little known grindcore band on the come up.

Touche Amore
You know what goes over super well at music festivals? Late 90s era basement screamo.

Tourist
Electronic music to get emo to.

Tycho
Best brand of toy slot car.

Tyler the Creator
Sock salesman.

Until The Ribbon Breaks
Sewing fail.

Vance Joy
Probably plays guitar.

Vic Mensa
Famous drummer.

What’s So Not
More like What’s So Not on our list of stuff to see.

Yelle
Had a popular music video in 2008.

Yellow Claw
I LOVED “Ocean Avenue.”

The Noisey Staff loves Coachella. Follow us on Twitter.