We Refuse To Do A Serious Interview With Jessie Ware

So we asked her how she dumped her first boyfriend instead.

Jessie Ware just released the first new track from her second album, which is a pretty massive deal, seeing as it's coming from one of our favorite British artists from the last few years. We saw her the other day and thought we had an opportunity to talk about the ideas and musical progression on the new record, what it was like working with Miguel and Ed Sheeran, and how her life's changed since everyone from Katy Perry to Solange claimed her as their most-loved singer.

Instead, we went to her back garden, got drunk on pre-mixed M&S orange fizz, and asked her why she dumped her boyfriend when she was 11. Just like the last time we interviewed her, basically. And the time before that. Go figure.

Noisey: What was your first email address?
Jessie: Oh fuck! You dick for asking me that! LouisLanenumberone@hotmail.com (after we published this, Jessie tweeted at us exposing us at the non-Superman-reading dweebs we are).

Mine was No1fan@citvclub.co.uk, so you know, it could have been worse.
That’s really cute. Was it for kids? That’s really bad. I don’t feel so bad now. Sam from Maccabees was WokMaster2000@hotmail.com because he was really good at stir frys.

If you were going to end The Simpsons how would you do it?
Oh, fucking hell. I don’t know. Homer would have an affair with Lisa?

What? How could that be the thing you naturally go to? Out of everything in the world?
I don’t know. It would have to be something to end it so people would be like, "fuck that. They fucked shit up."

That’s so messed up, though. I can't believe you said that.
All right, fine. Let's say Lisa had a family, and Maggie actually stopped sucking her fucking thing and speaks. Maybe Maggie does the Hamlet monologue or something.

What would your parents prefer you to have chosen as a career?
My dad wanted me to be a policewoman because he thought it was steady—it had a pension. He was like, "don’t be a journalist, it’s the worst paid job, it’s really stressful, be a policewoman." Basically because he wanted to be one. And my mum is the happiest that I’m doing this. She’s living the dream.

Why did you dump the first person that you dumped?
Because he wrote me a really soppy letter. I’m gonna sound like such a dick. Basically I was a real bitch. I demanded that he give me Elizabeth Arden’s Sunflowers perfume. Then I was going away for the holidays, and I said, "I want a picture of you." And he sent me the Sunflowers perfume [and] a passport photo and wrote me a love letter. I was like, "nah mate." I was such a bitch. But I was about 11 years old.

I don't even know 11-year-olds that wear perfume. You’re very demanding.
I know! I was really fat and not the most attractive. Beggars can’t be choosers, but then there’s me demanding perfume and passport photos.

Do you wash whites separately?


How many people have been in love with you?
No one. I don’t know. I’ve only just managed to get my fiancé to be in love with me. It’s weird saying who has been in love with me.

It’s just a number though.
I’d like to think thousands. But it’s probably one or two.

Who is the worst person on Twitter?
Urm… oh fuck. I can’t say it [she caves and mentions three names and then tells us we can’t publish any]. I do like doing a Facebook cull though, but when I see the people I've unfriended it's quite awkward.

Please describe the best thing you’ve made at home this year. This can be a craft project, a meal, or a DIY project.
My Indian medicine cabinet full of ceramics from Mexico. Oh god, I sound awful. I need to chill the fuck out with the distressed wood, though. My sister lives in LA, and she’s very good at interiors. She came round the other day and she went, "mmm, so studenty."

What picture of you that’s been taken this year, do you think you look nicest in? And do you like it because (A) the outfit or (B) the mood?
I don’t think there has been a good photo of me this year, to be honest. I’ve looked fucking rough from the beginning because I’ve been in the studio.

I’m proud of this one because it’s carrying on a good tradition of snarl faces. I went on Polish X Factor to do a duet, and I got sooo competitive. The Monica from Friends came out in me, and when they told me Artem, the guy I duetted with, had won, it was like I'd scored the World Cup-winning goal. Ella Eyre was there, duetting with another finalist, and she came in and was like, "I know you've won, I can fucking hear you screaming." But this picture is when we're asking the public to call in. He’s so happy, and I just look like a fucking gnarly bitch. Mood wise: I felt like a boss.

Have you ever completed a video game?
I got near to completing Golden Eye. I really liked Monkey Island. I got to the last thing on Super Mario 2. It was so much better than Super Mario 1.

What did you do when you passed your driving test?
It was with Felix from the Maccabees. I picked him up, and we went to my friend Alice’s house. He’s really brave to have come with me. Bless him. I could have killed him. I’m like a boy racer. I’ve nearly killed all my friends.

What was your first out-of-town trip?
I used to have to drive to Sussex all the time for university. I ran those roads. I managed to get home in 45 minutes once. It’s really bad.

I need to learn to drive.
You do. It’s not attractive not being able to drive, especially if you’re a boy.

If you had to make a film of your life based on the last two years. What three moments would definitely not get cut?
This is like the Oprah channel. I love it. The Mercury’s wouldn’t get cut—it was really fucking sick. Glastonbury wouldn’t get cut. And what else? Let me think. Oh—and playing with The Roots on TV.

Who’s the best person you’ve met this year?
I met Taylor Swift. She’s really nice. She’s so tall, and she said, "I just want to say, ‘Wildest Moments’ is my everything." And I did what I always do, which is put on the ugliest toadface and crouch like an old pedophile, put on a faux cockney accent and say, "Ow, fanks. Fanks."

Sam Wolfson is the executive editor of Noisey UK. He's on Twitter - @samwolfson


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