Okay, not really. But it's fun to imagine.
Back in February, Will Smith and Kanye West happened to be in the same hotel in Rio De Janeiro. Trust that this was no coincidence. This was the Zoroaster's doing. An intergalactic deity dictated every decision and action by every organism that has ever existed going back thousands of years to the dinosaurs so that Kanye West and Will Smith would happen to run into each other and become friends. That brief friendship fling in February birthed this beautiful factoid.
KANYE WEST WANTED WILL SMITH TO MAKE NEW MUSIC
What would a Will Smith rap album in 2013 sound like? Would he trend jock? What big name stars would get features? Could innocuous rap even thrive in 2013? Or would he switch his style up and then when they hate, let them hate and let the money pile up?
Well, wonder no more. Will, impressed with our coverage of the event that spurred his album, sent us a time-sensitive RAR file containing 13 92kbps .RAM files. Collectively, they made up his album. He asked us not to leak the audio. We obliged. Also, we didn't because literally no one on the planet has RealPlayer anymore. We just happened to have an old IBM 300GL Pentium II 400 MHz in the Noisey storage closet with RP already installed. Due out Q1 2014, this is the official track by track preview of the latest Will Smith album in eight years: Ill Will.
"Die on a Treadmill"
This is how you start an album off. Will Smith comes out the gate like a goddamned Preakness champion. Just galloping atop these electro synths. It's like he hasn't lost a step. I'd go so far as to say he added on a third floor and extended the staircase. His flow and cadence has progressed beyond a knock-off Slick Rick. He's certainly more mature, rapping grown man bars like "Critics like 'Will why come back and bother these kids?' Because I fathered a whole generation of fatherless kids." BRUH. The beat actually samples vocals from an interview he did with Tavis Smiley. "The difference is I'm not afraid to die... but if we get on the treadmill together, there's two things. You're getting off first... or I'm gonna die. It's really that simple."
We were able to contact the producer, CT Rapper/Producer godAWFUL to get an exclusive stream of the instrumental.
"Dick Game Bonkers" ft. Young Thug
Not only does Prince William make a raunch-fest song, he makes reference to the early 90's (and underrated) Disney Channel cartoon Bonkers. I feel weird listening to Will Smith rap about his dick, but I kind of like it. The stark contrast between Will Smith and Young Thug as they trade bars hypnotizes the listener. It's not quite as avant-garde as Chief Keef's "Go To Jail"... but there is a certain level of experimentation going on that is unlike anything currently out there. At one point, Young Thug screamyellraps the word "gobbledygook."
"Gettin' Juggy Wit It" ft. Young Scooter and Future
Will Smith goes trap... and it somehow works. It's clear that he's enamored with the "New Atlanta" sound. Future does most of the heavy lifting on the chorus (as usual), interpolating the "nahnah nah nah nahnah nah"'s of the original "Jiggy" into "yeahyeah yeah yeah yeahyeah" in signature Future Garfunkel fashion. Will starts his verse "I been gettin' juggy wit it / It being This Rap Shit / Been getting money wit it." FLEX.
"Will Been Trill (Eyedyne Poinin)" ft. Pimp C
I don't know how he did it, or how much it cost. But Will Smith purchased one of the last remaining unheard Pimp C verses, and it is glorious. Think "Get Throwed" multiplied by "Wood Wheel" and spoken directly from the supple mouth of our one true savior Zoroaster.
"Summer Solstice" ft. Dom Kennedy & DJ Jazzy Jeff
After sitting out this Summer, and essentially failing to exist for an entire year, Dom Kennedy hops on the remake of the quintessential "summer song." If you could somehow record the sound a steak makes when you drop it onto a hot grill grate then turn that sound into a woman then have that woman be impregnated by a tank top. The sound of that child's birth is what this song sounds like. It's breezy, billowy, like the updraft that lifts a seagull effortlessly to immeasurable heights. Do you know why the caged bird sings? Dom comes through and drops some of the toughest bars of his career:
"Oh yeah, I'm back ho
Yeah I'll break yo back ho
What I'm spitting I hope you can you dig it like a back hoe
Got Polo but my name ain't Marco.
Got more lines than barcodes,
I liked Ben Affleck in Argo
Still not entirely sure how to stack the charcoal
Very confused on how to do it
Should I use lighter fluid?
Seriously guys, why would yall put me in charge of the grill?
I've never done this before. Is gasoline OK to use?
I'm gonna light the grill now
OH FUCK TOO MUCH GASOLINE
HELP I'M ON FIRE
MY ARM IS ON FIRE
Dope. Can't wait for Rap Genius to rapgenius this verse.
"Big Willie Style" ft. Drake, Future, French Montana & Rick Ross
There is certainly a formula for rap songs in 2013. For unsigned artists, it is to create a song that gains enough regional/meme popularity that bigger, semi-irrelevant rappers will want to hop on the remix. For signed artists, you simply create the framework for a song and then hit the Dial-A-Rapper hotline. From there, you wait your turn until the next available rap artist answers your call. You don't get to choose them. They are interchangeable, and any combination/permutation of them on your song will guarantee radio plays and blog streams. The possible selections are Young Jeezy, TI, Future, 2 Chainz, Rick Ross, French Montana, Trinidad James, or Jadakiss. Thankfully, Will Smith has enough money to get a Drake verse. Plus, he happened to luck out in the features department with this one. "Big Willie Style" will be all over the radio. It's also pretty cool how Will updated his original BWS verse:
"I ain't thinkin' bout them
Send a DM with a pic of my dick to your BM
Racing chicks in the pink B.M.
With my speakers tweakin'
Freakin' to The Weeknd"
"Candy Crush" ft. Dru Hill
Yes. Dru Hill. All four. Even Sisqó. Return of the Dragon, indeed. This is a sweet, catchy tune in the ilk of Wale's "That Way." A made-for-radio love-sex ode. The highlight? Sisqó's coda where he sings softly about a woman's loins looking frighteningly similar "to a homemade kite." I don't know either, but the melody makes it gorgeous. I'm saying this to my wife later in the throes of passion. I anticipate nothing but good things.
"Hitch" ft. Heems
Himanshu aka The Brown Chris Farley recreates "Jason Bourne," but this time he gets to rhyme the entire plot of "Hitch," his favorite movie. Will handles the chorus, and supplies some hilarious ad libs ("Show me the magic!").
"Big Willie Style Part 2" ft. Danny Brown, A$AP Ferg, Big Baby Gandhi, Antwon & Lakutis
Remember when Lil Wayne had the same beat/song multiple times on Carter IV, but only rapped on one of them, essentially creating songs that were nothing but other rappers? Well, Will Smith took that idea and inn-O-FUCKING-vated it. Creating a sequel to a song already on his album, he puts five of the preeminent undergroud rappers (even getting BBG to come out of retirement) on one song. We see this approach being copied an exorbitant amount in 2014. Will Smith is the nucleus of culture.
"Parent Trap" ft. Wiz Khalifa, Kanye West, Chief Keef
You didn't think that the impetus for this album, Kanye West (of "Keeping Up With The Kardashians" fame) wasn't going to show up did you? Though not the best, Will certainly saved the most emotional for last. Hearing otherwise braggadocious artists speak lovingly of their offspring really resonates in the subcockles of your heart. Wiz raps about making sure he takes a shower and washes his hands more than 10 times a day to rid himself of the weed aroma that envelops his existence before holding Li'l Sebastian. Truly touching stuff.
Bonus Tracks on Deluxe Version:
"Ate The Ass and Didn't Call"
"Pinkett Matter" ft. Frank Ocean
"Uncle Phil" ft. Lil B The BASEDGOD
Bauce Sauce is a hot dad. He's on Twitter - @BauceSauce