Buy, buy, buy my darling.
The Misfits. Who would’ve guessed 30 years ago that a little punk band from New Jersey with a penchant for makeup would one day become the most shamelessly money-grubbing band in the history of music? But here we are in 2014 and as far as merchandising goes, the Mi$fits have lent their image to more garbage products than KISS, the NFL, and George Lucas combined.
Really, there are only two things you’ll ever need to buy with the Misfits’ logo on it: One is the box set and the other is a basic crimson ghost shirt. And keep in mind that the second one is optional. Yet, the band—or at least the bloated, Danzigless corpse that Jerry Only has been periodically reanimating over the last 25 years—has been putting the logo on one useless product after another for years.
Below is some of the most pointless shit you can buy with the Misfits' name on it. Keep in mind that this stuff is officially licensed merchandise too, which means that at some point, someone in the Misfits camp took a look at it and said, “Yup! Go ahead and slap our names on this hunk of shit!” Here are some of the worst things that meet the high standards which merit the coveted Jerry Only Seal Of Approval.
All of the Fucking Shirts
You can pretty much get the crimson ghost logo in any color, pattern, or fabric you desire. You want the ghost in fuzzy, hot pink leopard print? Yeah, you can get that. You want the ghost wearing a San Francisco Giants hat? You’re in luck, sports fan, those exist too. You want the ghost made from a patchwork of photos of swastikas and dicks? That’s probably out there somewhere.
If you’re stupid enough to blow your hard-earned money on a Misfits wallet or purse, you’re probably not financially stable enough to have anything left over to put in it. And even if you did have cash to store in it, you shouldn’t put it past Jerry Only to install some secret scanner in the wallet that reads your credit card numbers and feeds them directly to his brain.
You can wear this to a Halloween party but most people won’t get it. When asked what you’re supposed to be, you can respond by sticking your hand into their pockets, grabbing a wad of cash, and saying: “I’m a guy who fuckin’ looooooves money!”
As stupid as these are, you shouldn’t touch American Psycho without them.
Is there any item that better expresses the sentiment of “We literally don’t know what the fuck else to put our names on” than a bobblehead? [bobblehead shakes head “no”] That was a rhetorical question, bobblehead, but thank you.
It is borderline child abuse to dress your baby in a Misfits onesie before he’s old enough to say, “But to be clear, I think anything post-Danzig is bullshit.” If you see a baby in a Misfits onesie, call child protective services.
Hey high schoolers: Pick up some Misfits pencils and notebooks if you wanna make sure you spend prom night jerking off.
Coffin Incense Holder
It comes with Jerry Only’s favorite scent: cash.
"I got something to say...I want your money today..."
Wow, the Misfits really have the market cornered on the baby front. Now if they could only come up with a Misfits condom, they’d cover their bases. Maybe they could also make Misfits diapers for when babies make a “Famous Monster” in their pants.
Anyone who would buy these from Hot Topic is probably too pale to go out in the sun anyway.
For the Misfits fan spending a fancy evening on the town.
For the Misfits fan spending a relaxing evening at home.
For the Misfits fan who has no idea what else to piss their money away on.
For the Misfits fan who can't be bothered to wear actual pants.
Now all you need is a matching shower cap, bath mat, and towel to stay dry, dry, dry, my darling.
Lame White Guy Bucket Hat
Nobody in the history of hats has ever been able to pull off a bucket hat. You could put Ryan Gosling in a bucket hat and he’s still gonna look like Gilligan from Gilligan’s Island. Add the Misfits logo to it and you start to give off that "guy who needs to apply sunblock constantly at the Monster Energy Drink Summer Music Festival" vibe.
Well, unlike the guy wearing the Misfits bucket hat, at least this thing will actually touch a vagina.
Knock-Off Ugg Boots
Dan Ozzi will only buy like, half of this stuff, tops. Follow him on Twitter - @danozzi
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