Look, every family has a Scrooge. Given the current economic climate and tireless Christmas marketing bullshit, it’s not uncommon these days to have more than one Scrooge hanging around for the holidays. And chances are, those Christmas curmudgeons aren’t gonna wanna listen to the Bing Crosbys, Paul Ankas and Kenny and Dollys of the holiday music catalog. Luckily, The Vandals Oi to the World is something that exists.Oi to the World is the perfect middle finger to the forced cash-grabs of unspeakably horrid Christmas albums by whatever waif-y pop star, washed-up rocker or B-list celebrity currently bombarding iTunes with their musical crap cannons this festive season. The story goes like this: In 1996, Los Angeles punk rockers The Vandals decided to celebrate their abhorrence for the Xmas holidays with an album full of explicit “Christmas songs” that they wrote from scratch. Oi to the World features sarcastic expletive-laden tunes like “I Don’t Believe in Santa Claus,” “Thanx for Nothing,” “A Gun for Christmas,” “Christmas Time for My Penis” and “Nothing’s Going to Ruin My Holiday,” along with, ahem, spirited covers of “Here I Am Lord” and “Dance of the Sugarplum Fairies” thrown in for good measure. Nearly every year since, the band has raucously performed the album in its entirety in Anaheim, CA during the holiday season.Originally released as a limited-edition pressing for those few Scrooge-punks that could appreciate its hilarity, Oi to the World gained some serious traction a year later when ska “punk” band No Doubt did a cover of the album’s title-track on some shitty mainstream Christmas compilation with an equally shitty video featuring every checkered-pant, rude-skank-ster and teenaged fan of “Spiderwebs.” Regardless, The Vandals quickly sold out of the original pressing of Oi to the World and re-released the album in 2000 with new artwork and bonus track, “Overture”which sounds like it’s straight off the Island of the Misfit Toys.Now, let’s be clear: Oi to the World is NOT the Christmas album to put on while the little ones are cozying up around the tree in their brand new Weezer Snuggies and Grandpa is wheezing his final breaths over a massive mug of egg nog (see: “Grandpa’s Last X-mas”). One need look no further for proof than this lengthy but entirely necessary excerpt from “C-H-R-I-S-T-M-A-S” – “C” is for your little clit when I go down beneath. “H” is for your pubic hair that sticks between my teeth. “R” is for your rectum that “I” fuck with my dick. Christmas comes but once a year, it makes me fucking sick. “S” is for your shitty asshole, clinkers ‘round your bum. “T” is for your massive tits that make me want to cum. “M” is for masturbation, when you’re not here with me. “A” is for agony of catching your VD. “S” is for the syphilis that rots away my prick. Christmas comes by once a year, it makes me fucking sick.As you can see, not exactly neighborhood caroling material. In fact, the aforementioned title track is pretty much the only “clean” tune on the whole album, unless you count the punk-ified “Sugar Plum” nonsense, or the band’s loving, tender ode to gender-reassignment surgery (“My First Xmas (As a Woman))”.So, this year, if all the über-cheesy Christmas music that sentimental jerk-offs in your life keep playing in Decembergets you down, hole yourself away in that Scrooge cave of yours (or, alternately, the nearest woodshed) and fuckin’ crank The Vandals’ Oi to the World. It’s like an instant release of all your pent-up, holiday-related rage. And may I suggest you go ahead and skip that final song, “Hang Myself from the Tree,” and go straight to “Overture”? You’ll thank me later.Jason Schreurs is a freelance Scrooge on Twitter
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