Seriously, these motherfuckers know how to roll blunts.
Because I like recycled memes, old iconic photos, and pictures of puppies being delivered to my fingertips in droves with no attribution and zero effort, I follow Snoop Dogg on Instagram. And because I am also a sucker for seemingly impossible feats of creativity, it didn't escape my attention when the Doggfather last week Instagrammed a photo of a blunt rolled and crafted into the shape of a sniper rifle, complete with tripod and scope. "Holy shit," I thought to myself. "That looks like it might actually work."
As a lowly music journalist, I'm certainly not in a position to question Snoop, but I’ve been following him on Instagram for long enough to know that he’ll just screengrab some random shit and repost it with some random-ass barely-coherent contextual note. Clearly, this did not belong to him. Though Snoop has a fondness for the weed selfie (this is a big thing among #teens these days), a quick perusal of his Insta feed confirms his preference for the straight, standard blunt. And let's be real: outside of a rare special occasion, it's the only kind of blunt that people need. Right?
WRONG, MOTHERFUCKER. If you've done any sort of scratching below the surface on Instagram, you'll find out that it's a fantastically weird place that reveals the complete insanity of humanity, one hashtag at a time, and before you can stop yourself you've uncovered an entire secret city of gremlin people hiding out in a Port Authority bus locker like you're in Men In Black II. Instagram is a loose meritocracy where the best photos tend to get posted over and over again, and it turns out lots of these photos involve weed. Thanks to the adhesive powers of THC wax, potheads can basically stick anything together these days, which allows them to make insanely intricate shit that they can then light on fire and use to get high. So, without further adieu, here are the most creative uses of the OG Barry Obama on Instagram, delineated into categories for ease of navigation. Survival is not guaranteed.
Anyone who has at least gone down the road of blunt smoking into semi-stonerhood has probably attempted, or at least had a friend attempt, the Cross Blunt. It's literally the easiest concept you could come up with while getting faded off that opposite speed—put two of them together and make some sort of semi-sacrilegious statement about it while getting ridiculously high with your dumb fucking friends. It's relatively easy, it's pretty cool to see all three ends light up at once, and you get really, really, really zonked and get to high five all the morons around you. This one we'll call the Classics or the Beginners category; most people with enough nuance to actually go out and buy Wingding Kush in the first place can usually come up with this type of scheme. Variants include the T-Blunt, for people who can't figure out how to get something straight through a hole and so just jam it against another straight thing until it sticks, or who just have names that start with T. Bonus points if you can figure out what a double cross blunt is. If you can't, I have no idea what to tell you.
This category is for those who take a been there, done that approach to the cross blunt family, and who are looking to do something a little different, or who have severe ADD. Our first blunt here, the Bermuda Triangle, doesn't bring much to the table outside of a sense of mystery...though it usually takes less than something this elaborate to pry the conspiracy theorist out of a hopeless marijuana addict.
Our second blunt looks more like something you'd find in a water park on one of those rides where you wait for a half hour on a wooden ladder only for you and your friend to race down the inner tube in under 12 seconds, leaving you with a slipped disc in your back that will never go away. Extra points for the use of the double mouthpiece, though—that definitely won't cause an issue in 25 minutes when you're holding double roaches for no reason.
But our third entry in this category is the first that shows some true points of creativity—we'll call it The Maze—mostly for somehow managing to double as the third level of the first Donkey Kong game for the original Nintendo. Never forget.
The Thinkers Outside The Box
The first entry here—the prop engine plane—isn't necessarily the most creative; it's more of a variation on the Double Cross Blunt, after all, at least in execution. But it's the design that gets it higher marks, because now we're truly thinking outside the box. Instead of just going with, "How can I burn some doo-doo in the coolest way possible?," we've officially crossed into the, "What can I actually create that will be something different?" category of blunt. There's even a little element of using the blunt papers to actually build something, like the prop engine, rather than be a vessel for the ol’ Puffington Host.
It's the same thing that makes the second entry so much different from, for example, the Sure-Why-Not category; the L.A. Blunt has personality and character to it, and makes a statement while you light it on fire in your hand. Wholly inefficient, but still super badass, and not even that much of a waste of ganj in the end.
Let's get this first one out of the way, because it loses points for sheer ugliness, but this intertwined blunt makes pretty much no sense, stonerly or aesthetically. But we're putting it here, because it's still kinda cool, and it fits in with the concept of the Weave Blunt, also known as the Louis Vuitton Blunt if you're nasty. As Instagram user westc0ast_princess points out, they'll burn a lot slower due to the patchwork of the outer leaf—you're essentially doubling up on leaves—but I spent all of my Home Ec classes trying to find the most creative ways to fill out a crossword puzzle that didn't involve just straight up filling in the alphabet, so that's where all of my sewing skills went. This seems like it would take either a three-person team or a full two hours to construct, either of which feels like a pube too far in the direction of not getting high.
The Household Items
The section goes out to those humble blunt rollers who just want to help improve your everyday stoner's home life, providing whatever they need to get by and manufacturing it easily out of dutches and spare time. You've got your standard hammer (above)—useful for knocking motherfuckers over the head who fall asleep trying to inhale that massive cherry where the damn thing is supposed to be lit—which, while impressive, is little more than your average T-Blunt with a little more sculpting and shaping and a lot more dro.
Then you've got your Football With Goalposts, a handy thing to have around when you're trying to soak up what's left of those Autumn weekend afternoon with your kid in the backyard kicking around the football and trying to teach them wholesome things except that oh yeah the whole thing is full of the ol’ OG Dog Boner.
And then there's your standard Hennessy nip, which, as you can tell in the video, is more of an endurance contest than any real useful way to do drugs recreationally. But god damn, that thing could burn a hole right through your favorite shirt, again.
The Seasonal Collection
No one to cuddle with on Valentine's Day? This dude’s got you covered (the arrow, the poster will have you know, is merely cosmetic).
Got a sweet tooth around the Christmas holiday? Nothing like a Gingerbread Man to pleasantly burn those hunger pangs away. Want to see all the joys and wonders of the winter season die hellishly in a single slow-burning, all-consuming flame while cackling maniacally as your childhood steadily converts into smoke right in front of you? Woah, dude. Slow down, smoke this snowman.
The Living Objects
Our first two living objects could also double as members of The Seasonal Collection—a Christmas Tree complete with beautiful gifts just waiting to be wrapped (extra points for the star on top).
Then there's the Sunflower, heralding the dog days of summer (pedals and leaves cosmetic, of course, meaning that it's really an elaborate excuse for a regular blunt with an extra leaf-made bowl of kush on top because, fuck it, we got catpiss for days).
But the real star of this category is the Octopus—or the Kraken, if you're into mythical Norwegian sea creatures—and its beautiful, waxy eyes. I'm not going to lie, if you asked me whether I would smoke that or turn it into a desk lamp, I'd probably go for the latter. Some things are too beautiful to destroy.
The Moving Parts
These two get their own special category, because they have what theoretically amounts to moving parts, taking a whole extra step in the evolution of machines in the process. This windmill is cool as hell—not least because of the brief tutorial on how to make it...
...but I'm fairly convinced that that helicopter could fly better than the majority of the early test modules for flying objects concocted in the early 1900s. Look at that attention to detail! Look at those rotating blades! Look at how it burns so evenly! I feel like one of those little creatures in the Electronic Claw game from Toy Story just watching it.
The High-Level Weaponry
This is where we started, with Snoop's sniper rifle; turns out that was merely a sampling of the weaponry genre. May I present, in ascendingly incredible order: the Rocket
The Uzi (woah!)
And the goddamn AK-47, complete with extended clip which is really just another blunt tacked on. I still say the Sniper is the best, but we’re really just splitting hairs at this point.
The Oh-My-God-That's-So-Much-Weed Category
The first two—the Blunt Pipe with Extra Joints Stuck In It...
...and the Triple Pipe Blunt With Wax—are just dollops of hedonism and fuck-it level blunt rolling. There's no real point except to burn as much marijuana at once as humanly possible. But the third is something that is straight out of the outer reaches of the galaxy.
This is the Crown Blunt Junior—which implies it’s the progeny of something the size of a T-Rex, or at least the size of Mark Dolan—but it's really more like something straight out of the depths of Carcosa that Woody Harrelson and Matthew McConaughey found during a particularly intense acid trip while stumbling through the set of True Detective. The second I see one of those things lying around, I'm running the fuck away.
The Best Blunt On Instagram
It's the Golden Blunt, 24 Karats of...something... and presented by the world's best tag team champion blunt smokers. If we were going to start on the Great Uncle of this Hip-Hop Blunt Smoking Odyssey, it only makes sense to end with the journey's two resident pranksters. To Method Man and Redman, smokers of That Which Should Not Have Been Able To Be Smoked, we eternally salute you. That should be enough for them to get moving on How High 2, right?
Dan Rys spent way too much time on this. He's on Twitter - @danrys