Your guide to festival ruiners.
Photo by Marco Torres/LAWeekly
Festivals are, without question, the absolute worst fucking way to see live music. It’s always a thousand degrees and you’re in the middle of some parking lot or field, you have to stand the distance of 52 football fields away from the stage, and the bands sound like they’re coming out of a 30-year-old boombox. But the worst part—worse than the $15 beers or the inevitable admission bracelet tanlines—is the people. Music festivals can bring out some real raging assholes. And they all manage to fall into one of these categories...
The Devoted Boyfriend
This is the most miserable motherfucker in the whole place. When he’s not holding a purse, he’s pathetically accompanying his fangirlfriend in the front row, pretending to enjoy the godawful music of whatever band most recently had their song featured in an Apple commercial. The poor bastard might even have his shoulders used as a chair if his girl can’t see the stage. At least he’ll get a decent handy out of this later tonight while she pretends his dong belongs to the dude from Foster the People.
This shithead did not get the memo issued over the last several years that the trend of incorporating a Native American war bonnet into your all-neon-and-sleeveless festival outfit pisses a lot of people off. But in his well-reasoned defense: “Chill out, bro!” Don’t worry though, he will treat it with the reverence the headdress signifies by leaving it on the floor of the parking lot on the way out.
The Fashion Blogger
Photos via this goddamn fashion blog
This Pinterest-obsessed fashionista always has a great time at the summer’s hottest music festivals despite spending weeks laboring over an outfit that will be covered in sweat and beer and whatever the fuck neon glitter is being sprayed at people within 20 minutes. But as long as she can get some Instagrams likes out of it, she’s done her self-appointed pretend job for the day. She has really tied her accessories of a thousand jangly metal bracelets, gigantic heart-shaped sunglasses, flower crown, and strappy shoes together with her very tiny tattoo of an abstract shape like a triangle or some shit on her wrist which apparently is symbolic somehow. Oh and also, she thinks there was music going on or something?
The Party Photographer
Are you a young, attractive person having a good time? This guy would like to capture your young, attractive good time and then sell it to a company who targets your key demo in their #youth #brand #marketing. But don’t let the looming sense of corporate profiteering make you self-conscious about having fun with your fellow carefree millennials, er, friends. Smile!
The Hippie / Drug Enthusiast
This guy has been lurking around music festivals since the dawn of music festivals. He has all sorts of tips for sneaking drugs past security via some sort of hollowed out camera. If you start talking to him, prepare to learn about a whole bunch of drugs you’ve never heard of and sound vaguely made up.
The PDA Couple
These two can often be found in a corner somewhere trying to lick the taste of molly out of each other’s mouths. But sometimes they like to hang out somewhere where they can use their tongues to block your direct line of sight of the band you’re trying to watch.
The Frat Bro
This pop-collared-soon-to-be-shirtless douchestick used all his vacation days from his internship at Bear Stearns and has been hitting the gym all winter and is ready to rage to some Outkast! Most of the things he’s wearing are salmon-colored and he really, really, really wants you to know how much money he makes and/or what frat he was in.
The Attention Whore
Even in a sea of 30,000 people, this fuckwad just has to stand out. He’s got to have a “thing” to make everyone notice and remember him. Maybe he’s wearing the green man suit or is dressed like Alan from The Hangover. Fuck this guy. He thrives on high fives. Do not give them to him.
The Dude Who Forgot Sunblock
The Twitter Reporter
This hashtag warrior is doing her best to keep everyone posted on what bands are #killingit. Sometimes #JanelleMonae is #killingit. But other times, #Phoenix is #killingit. Either way, she is on the case. Even in the extremely rare case of #Skrillex #killingit, your girl has got you covered. Your #1 source for all-emoji music reviews. She has 48 Twitter followers.
The Music Journalist
This adventurous mole is playing snake in the grass, talking to festival-goers at their drunkest, and therefore stupidest, trying to collect out-of-context quotes to fill his snark-filled festival wrap-up. He also thought last year’s festival was way better and has noticed some hilaaaarious social trends we can all laugh at on Monday morning from the privacy of our laptops. So check out his coverage on some smarter-than-thou website like BrooklynVegan or Pitchfork or Noisey.
Dan Ozzi is on Twitter. Get your fucking glow sticks out of his face. - @danozzi
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