The Ninth-Most Popular Band in America Is Also the Worst One

Here are a few facts about the band Issues. Their name comes from that one Korn record, they covered Justin Bieber's “Boyfriend,” and their new, self-titled album is currently #9 on the Billboard 200. They exist within a community of bands that reap the benefits of pushing the limits of useless horseshit by taking all the dumb parts of all different types of dumb music and combining them to make audible crack for extremely dumb people. Recently I received an email regarding this band's "Instagram album release" (literally an Instagram page dedicated to offering 15-second previews of their new, self-titled album) from a publicist who I’ve politely asked to stop sending me emails at least three times. Given my attempt to remain adventurous in all of my endeavors (read: do things I know I’m going to hate), I ended up on the Instagram page dedicated solely to previewing their new album.

The instructions on the page read, "turn phone sideways." Going against all primal instincts, I switched to landscape view while browsing Instagram. Not long after I had finished scrolling through the tour of innovation that is @IssuesSelfTitled, I serendipitously saw the band's new music video had been posted on my Facebook feed. Shouts out to the big homie OG Mark Zuckerberg on that one. After thanking the lord for this wonderful coincidence, I switched the settings on my YouTube player into 1080p, dimmed the lights, and dove headfirst into the Nu revival™. I liveblogged the video so you didn't have to watch it.

Looks like this video might be taking place at a hardcore show. Out of breath tank top guy, girls in the back, seems obvious.

It's actually just some guys having a dick measuring contest in circle of their peers including one with bleached hair in a dark room. It's still hardcore, just more Brazzers than Judge.

Thankfully the band is in the video. For a few brief seconds I was certain I'd ended up on the kind of site you ask to have removed from your browser history in your last will and testament.

I FUCKING LOVE HOPPING AND SO DO THEY

Of course there's a fucking DJ.

The amount of underlying homoeroticism here is matched only by the sweat on Cross Tattoo Guy's back. This is getting good.

The DJ is now leaving, I believe.

Yes, the DJ is attempting to run away. Although now the entire band has become trapped in some sort of interdimensional prisms. An obvious metaphor for the boundaries set by a music industry attempting to frame these artists into a restricting narrative while also displaying the space-time-pushing subject mater of this music video.

The singer is also wearing shorts over his pants, which leads me to believe he is or may have #BEEN# #TRILL#.

Fight Club is my favorite Chuck Klosterman book.

Not only is he a well respected officiator and promoter within the underground fighting community, he's also the second vocalist. THE DJ IS BACK!!!!!!11 And he’s KILLING the running man. The band has now apparently been encased in frozen carbonite. Can I raise a practical question at this point? Are we gonna do Stonehenge tomorrow? Anyways, I feel dead inside.

This suddenly seems highly derivative of the depiction of Zordon from Mighty Morphin Power Rangers: The Movie (1995). Zordon acts as a mentor to the Rangers while communicating via an energy tube, as he physically only exists in a separate dimension after being banished from our own by the alien witch Rita Repulsive. The band's returned from their energy chambers. Sick.

Uh, OK? Just a friendly reminder band, again, is currently the ninth most-popular band in the country.

Lukas Hodge is currently in a very, very dark place. Please follow him on Twitter to make him feel better - @lukashodge

Do you THIRST for NU-METAL??? We've got you covered—we went to a Limp Bizkit concert and loved it, and heard the new Korn single and hated it. We have never felt ambivalent about anything.