We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume Seven
All music is the same.
Here at Noisey, we mostly have the best job in the world. We get to sit around all day and listen to music, which is dope. But a lot of the music we sit around listening to is the same music that everyone else is sitting around and listening to, or music that Big PR wants us to sit around and listen to. To keep us grounded and in touch with the e-streets, we do this thing once a month where we listen to and review whatever the hell our beloved Twitter followers spam us with. Sometimes we find amazing stuff! Sometimes we find terrible stuff! Sometimes we find stuff that is so terrible it is amazing. Will we have that kind of luck this time? Read on to find out, and, please, please, stop spamming us on Twitter (but do follow us because we are awesome).
HP, GOD feat. Dirty Dewburry - "No Pause"
Kyle: This guy clearly listens to a lot of Eminem and MF DOOM, and he has kind of absorbed their influences. The rapping isn't terrible, but it sounds like it was recorded by speaking directly into a laptop microphone while HP, GOD was trying to avoid waking up his roommate, so I can't really count it as music. People have made songs that sound better on Vine. Get a mic, dude.
Eric: Yeah, when this song started I was like, “Oh shit, this is minimal and could actually be pretty dope” but then he started to rap and it sounded like a voicemail so fuck this.
Fred: Way to jack the “Tried by 12” beat and then completely blow it.
Super Helpful Kwame - "Cute is the Most Condescending Compliment"
Kyle: This is a good song title, but I can't even focus on the lyrics because there are like 9 million things happening here. This sounds like what happens when a bunch of browser tabs start auto-playing stuff at once.
Eric: This is actually pretty dope, and I’m not just saying that because we premiered it.
Fred: Can someone send me the instrumental only? I’m getting a headache.
Pedico - "Party Tennis"
Kyle: We have been sent this song multiple times, so let me offer a verdict and say it is okay. Fun video.
Eric: Consistency pays off, right? But yeah this is the most average song I’ve heard in a long time. Not saying that’s a bad thing—just saying that there are hundreds upon hundreds upon hundreds of bands that sound identical to this.
Fred: Guys. I am your demographic. I like punk. I like garage. I like funny videos. I dont like this at all.
Tairey - "Zodiac"
Kyle: I think this is what people who don't like Drake hear when they listen to Drake. But, hey, if Drake is going to be your only influence, your music will still basically be catnip to me. This beat is really pretty. Still, I'd rather not listen to this guy rap about buying condoms.
Eric: Yeah, this beat is solid, but the rest of it just isn’t as good as it wants to be, mainly because it’s trying to be Drake, and this is not Drake.
Fred: The beat on this is crazy, that’s as far as I can get with this because I can’t get with the rhymes.
Andy Vigilante - "The Unusual Suspects" feat. Kaptain JacK
Kyle: I was onboard with the Seinfeld sample, and I'm all for repping the Salt Lake City music scene, but, yup, this is another rap song about how you shouldn't judge this guy as a rapper because he's white. I'm going to do exactly that because the world doesn't need anymore puns about garden hoes and hos sounding the same. Go design some Threadless shirts, bro.
Eric: It’s hard to tell if this guy wants to be Eminem or Macklemore. I’m not sure if that’s bad, but it’s definitely not good.
Fred: Here’s the thing if you don’t want to be judged as a white rapper… come as hard as you can and then no one can touch you no matter what. Otherwise, don’t make excuses for why no one wants to listen to you.
Beau Young Prince and Bearcubs - "Model Walk"
Kyle: A guy whose voice sounds a little like Kendrick Lamar rapping over a beat that sounds a little like Clams Casino? It's kind of cool that in 2014 this is what counts as generic rap. I wouldn't play this for my friends, but I wouldn't be mad if someone played it for me. Cool beat!
Eric: Yeah, this beat is really solid, but it’s unfortunate he wants to be Kendrick so badly. If he loosened his flow up a little bit, it’d feel a lot less formulaic. Remember kids, rapping fast does not a good rapper make.
Fred: The great rappers all have their own thing. Kendrick. Kanye. Biggie. Q-Tip. Big Daddy Kane. Busta Rhymes. Cam’ron. On and on and on and on. If you just sound like, and approach the mic like, someone else, why bother at all? Beat is solid though.
Lo$izAMP - "Gold in My Mouth (Upper Echelon)" feat. Diego Mill
Kyle: Down for trapping and humping, but you can't say you're upper echelon and then compare yourself to A$AP Ferg and call yourself "the black Jody Highroller." That's, like, middle echelon at best.
Eric: Kyle, do you think this guy actually knows what echelon means? Anyway, this dude is trying to jack Heems’ flow and it’s not working. Beat is dope, though. Lots of pretty cool beats in these submissions so far.
Fred: At first I thought for sure this was a Iggy Azalea “Fancy” clone. Then I realized that was giving them a lot of credit. Vom.
Seth Narley - "Sittin' Low" feat. Boogz Boogetz
Kyle: This just dropped like two hours before we did this. New heat! Noisey world premiere! Pretty standard, but I would throw a drink in the air if I were at a show watching this be performed.
Eric: This dude’s flow sounds like he’s constantly falling backwards in his chair, and I love it.
Fred: The beat starts out so promising and then… God. I’m in hell. A hell of mediocrity. Bury me in a strip mall.
Ancient Mith - And The Dead Shall Lie There
Kyle: At first I thought this was going to be some cool industrial goth electronic shit, but it turns out it's just a shitty German version of Macklemore rapping over beats that sound kind of scary. I guess it's pretty good for what it is, but what it is is dumb.
Eric: Same here, Kyle. With a track named “And The Dead Shall Lie There,” I was getting stoked to write some shit about how this makes me want to find some dead bodies and light them on fire, but instead I’m just left thinking about Macklemore. And I never want to think about Macklemore.
Fred: Every wonder what El-P would sound like if he was in a car crash and got brain damage? I never did either. But now, I know.
tylerWRIGHTEOUS - "lights at the diner"
Kyle: If you only listen to mashups that take their source material and suck all the life out of it, this will be right up your alley.
Eric: But Kyle! What about Girl Talk! Girl Talk rules! This song, for the record, sucks, by the way. It’s the kind of music that always thinks it’s a lot more progressive than it actually is (kind of like Barack Obama! Burn!)
Fred: You know what’s great about mash-ups? Taking two ideas and putting them together to make a great third idea. This whole thing is a bad idea.
Faaathom - "Just Breathe"
Kyle: I love rap, but I'm starting to get sad that somehow we've ended up with nothing but rap songs. Can't some of you people go start an emo band to get all your sad feelings out?
Eric: Kyle, this isn’t rap music. This is some cool trippy—oh shit just got to the part where he raps. GOD DAMNIT. I was ready to talk about how dope these instrumentals are, but then everything was ruined by this man who decided to halfway rap about being sick of hoes and summer and winter and some bullshit. This is perfectly average rap music—literally the most average shit ever—and that’s why it sucks.
Fred: Look, the world needs cashiers. And grocery baggers. And dudes that can make killer lattes.
AOSOON - "Ghost"
Kyle: I think if you buy a Mac in England, GarageBand must come pre-loaded with everything you need to turn yourself into a bedroom R&B singer who uses sort of minimal electronic beats. It's not a bad thing, per se, but I hope Jessie Ware is getting some royalties off of it or something.
Eric: I actually like this, so fuck you and your judgements, Kyle.
Fred: The accent that she sings with is positively played for dra-MAH-tic em-PHA-sis. It’s annoying.
SLS - "Make You Mine"
Kyle: A Tory Lanez edit, eh? Considering that that's a pretty terrible selling point for a piece of music, I guess this sounds okay.
Eric: I like the blue weed leaf in the album art. This would probably be dope if you were stoned. Then again all music sounds good when you’re stoned, so whatever. All music is the same.
Fred: Stellar beat with a hook that really goes nowhere. Potential, but falls off. Advil, please?
TwonDon - "Life's a Bitch" feat. AZ
Kyle: I can't decide whether calling your song "Life's a Bitch," featuring AZ, is a terrible idea or a great one, since you can probably get a lot of accidental YouTube views that way. But I'm going to go ahead and say what I usually say during these things about rap songs that are "homages" to other rap songs: You seem pretty good at rapping (and we've said this before about this dude). Maybe go do something that has less to do with music that already exists.
Eric: Kyle just eviscerated this, so I’m just going to say that I agree. And while I say that, I’m going to go listen to Nas, because that’s all this makes me want to do.
Fred: Please. Someone. One original idea. I dare you.
Dion Jetsen - "Old Franklins" feat. Yo-Dot and Seven1
Kyle: These lyrics about public defenders are real, man. This is pretty good. If, like, Vado put out this song, it would probably get a lightly favorable write-up on some rap websites. But there's no justice in the world, so it's had to languish in obscurity until now, when I will give it a lightly favorable write-up and then forget it ever existed.
Eric: ANOTHER RAP SONG? Anyway, this beat is pretty cool I guess and I’m sure XXL or The Source or Complex other Real Hip-Hop publications would call it “FIYA.” However, this publication says it sounds like a thirsty garbled mess.
Fred: Not bad. Probably could use some decent mastering. Hits as hard as a bag of marshmallows.
Kyle: Who the fuck wants concrete home accessories? Are these for people who are worried their metal candlesticks are going to blow away or something? Is that something that could happen? Do I need to glue down my candelabras?
Eric: Now this is the type of stuff I’m looking for when we do Open Submissions. Think outside the box, people! But anyway, let’s have a look here. If it’s my apartment—and again, this is just me personally, I’d say that you’d only need, like, three of these candle holders. Candles are sweet, too! But if you own beyond three of these, you start to look somewhat like a psychopath, and even more like a caveman. One thing is for certain though, I wish I had my own collection of concrete accessories so I could use my various concrete accessories as weapons to smash the heads in of most of the musicians who submitted music to us.
Fred: Finally a good idea! I’ve always wanted a vase that can only be moved by a crane.
Charlie Lite - "The Illest"
Kyle: This rapping is terrible, but this hook rules. This shit could tear up Vine. Okay wait, he just rapped "in and out the deli I'm making change/for this hundred thousand dollars that I just made." Imagine making change for that much money at the deli. What deli is this guy going to? Who has that kind of change on hand? I usually have trouble getting back 75 cents in quarters instead of fucking nickels from my deli.
Eric: Kyle, I’ve bought marijuana from delis before, so, you know, perhaps that’s playing a role here. Also, I agree that this hook is pretty dope, but I feel like the only reason I think it’s dope is because it’s nearly the exact same hook as “Illest Motherfucker Alive” from Watch the Throne, which I am going to go listen to right now. Man, Kanye is sweet.
Fred: Leave it to Eric to take it back to Kanye, literally always. The beat and the hook totally work, but I feel like some of the verses could use some work.
Kyle: Not rap! Dope cover art! Too bad I can't embed it, or it might actually get more than its current 17 plays. This is actually kind of sick. I have absolutely no clue how to classify this music. I'm pretty sure it's entirely made from instrument presets, which is a great approach. There were some lo-fi guitar riffs and now there's this weird dubstep drop. Okay, now this is just a shitty attempt at dubstep. Whatever. At least it's not another mediocre rap song. Turn up.
Eric: Life is about waiting for the drop.
Fred: I told Eric once that the only people who say the words “hip” or “edgy” are neither. “Now that’s what I call edgy” is the tagline here.
Kyle: Mastered by whom, I ask. By whom?! You should get a refund on this mastering job. Unfortunately, I used up all my excitement about not hearing another rap song on the last track, so now I just have to say that I get like 80 emails a day about songs that sound exactly like this, and I wish some of you bloggers would stop posting them and talking about their dreamy R&B-influenced indie rock vibes. Fuck vibes.
Eric: I’m actively against all music that sounds like this because this, alongside most of the other shit we’re pitched every day, has one goal: to have a cool aesthetic and hopefully one day get on the cover of the Fader. This sounds like an Instagram filter. This sounds like a boutique in SoHo. This sounds like like my death.
Fred: I think I’m hitting that late afternoon crash. I need a coffee. I’m getting SO. Sleepy. Im sorry, was I being entertained?
Lreal - "Bleach"
Kyle: I was excited about that girl rapping, but then it turned out she was just the voice of the tag. Instead, this is a British dude rapping, something that I absolutely can't stand. He just rapped "Miley Cyrus/wrecking ball my haters." Fuck this. You Brits don't deserve Miley.
Eric: MORE RAP?
Fred: If you’re going to use a Smif-n-Wessun AND MOP beat, then for fuck’s sake, come harder than both of them. Which barely anyone can do.
EUPH - "Breath (Flying Lotus sample)"
Kyle: This song is exactly what it says it is, except two minutes more of it than it needs to be.
Eric: I’d argue that this is actually not long enough because I could listen to a Flying Lotus sample on loop forever.
Fred: Ever wonder what J Dilla’s unfinished tracks, filled with half-baked ideas, sound like?
Butch Dawson - "Pistol Pete"
Kyle: Rap. Music. Is. Dope.
Eric: This guy has the best flow of everything we’ve heard so far, and I support all rap music that ends with calling someone a “fucking idiot.” Cheers, Butch. Cheers.
Fred: Positively, the sickest thing here. Reminds me of the grimey shit I used to hear in like ‘96 on Stretch & Bobbito or at Fat Beats. Legit.
ONWE - "Unpaid Internship"
Kyle: This band's name is pronounced like "ennui," their album cover has a fake Capitol Records logo that's a joke about capitalism, and the tags on Bandcamp include "bushwickwave," "trustfund," and "good music." There is so much dope commentary going on here. One time I worked an unpaid internship at a music promotion company sorting through terrible band demos, and I quit after six weeks because I hated it and could tell it wasn't headed anywhere. Now I am doing the exact same thing, but I'm getting paid for it, which is probably somehow another kind of joke about capitalism.
Eric: Self-awareness is pretty cool, I guess? Despite all the ~*~*~CLEVER ZINGERS~*~*~ these guys tossed into their bio, this song still sounds like it belongs in 1994—but in a way where, like, no one would listen to this in 1994 because everything else from that era is leaps and bounds better than this shit.
Fred: Can’t make any jokes here because they’d just be average, middle of the road, boring, go nowhere interesting, etc.
TRiO - The Urkel Tape
Kyle: I'd been wondering if I would ever be able to listen to an entire album of beats inspired by Urkel, and now I no longer have to wonder. The world is an amazing place. If you need some beats, hit this guy up.
Eric: I love this. And man, I loved Family Matters growing up.
Fred: Let’s take one of the most annoying guys of the 90s and then pray that people will have forgetten how extra-special irritating he was, so that way people will like a super-ironic album. How clever! (die)
Late Guest at the Party - "Reload"
Kyle: This is what we get for letting Imagine Dragons become popular. Or Yeasayer, maybe. I don't know. These guys probably spend a lot of time giving out massages that nobody asked for.
Eric: One time I interviewed Yeasayer and they were huge fucking dicks. You’re right, Kyle. This is definitely their fault.
Fred: Please god. Let death come swiftly.
Sigrid Raabe - "Two Fish"
Kyle: Aw yeah, Scandinavia in the house! There's a kind of nice line about not swimming away, but then it sounds like someone decided that what would really perk up this song would be throwing a synthesizer down a staircase and recording it. This is the problem with those Scandinavian countries. They're just handing out so much arts funding that people can afford wasteful gestures like that and ruin a song that might have been okay if it were just a piano ballad.
Eric: Imagine if Florence and the Machine crossed paths with Adele, and then someone decided to make it sound “progressive” so they tossed in some synths. If I had a sister, she would love this song.
Fred: Great voice. I’m not nuts about the song in particular, but there’s something there potentially.
WebsterX - "Blue Dream (Trippy Trebby)"
Kyle: This guy seems like he's probably nice. I hope he keeps following his dreams and makes more songs that don't just sound like other songs.
Eric: This guy’s flow reminds me of Earl Sweatshirt. That’s cool, except Earl Sweatshirt already exists, so.
Fred: Eh. He means well at least.
Lil Yung x Yukon down low - "FLubber"
Kyle: This is the world that Noisey has created, and I guess we have to live with the horrible consequences.
Eric: Sorry everyone.
Fred: Eric and Kyle, it is clear that our teachings are going unheeded. It’s time to exit this sorrowful plane with the knowledge that we tried our best.
Thermite - "Dick in a Wheelchair"
Kyle: Is Thermite bringing New York back?
Eric: For a second, I thought, haha, they named a song “Dick in a Wheelchair.” But then I had the horrible realization that these motherfuckers did this solely so I would listen to their music, because it’s physically impossible as a human being to hear the phrase “dick in a wheelchair” and not be curious what that means. Anyway, I hate this song, mainly because I was tricked into listening to it.
Blake Turner - "Disintegration"
Kyle: Yo, why is there not more classical music on Soundcloud? This is cool!
Eric: Classical music is dope!
Fred: Whenever I hear glockenspiel, I think of the theme song for Dawn of the Dead, which is literally the best compliment I can give a song. This is soundtrack-y and dramatic and actually totally interesting.
Sleepy Holler - “Sleepy Holler”
Kyle: You know that feeling when you pull the covers over yourself and you just nuzzle real hard? That's what this song is like. Shouts out to nuzzling.
Eric: Like most people, I really liked (and still like) the debut record from Bon Iver. Apparently this guy did too.
Mars Jackson - “BRAVO! “
Kyle: It sucks when someone does something cool like filling their basement with crime scene tape for a video and then says the most boring shit imaginable in their song. Like, clearly you are capable of original ideas, so why make a song where you rap about how you like girls and how you're going to be rich? Make some weird, grimy horror shit or something.
Eric: This guy has a flow that sounds like he wants to be Chance the Rapper, except he can’t really do anything that is musically appealing because he’s squeezing his butt cheeks together way too tight. Honestly, is this dude choking?
Fred: What a cool video! Just the video.
Radiation Blackbody - "Total Omitters of Realities"
Kyle: Damn, this title makes this song sound like it's going to be tight as hell, but instead it just sounds like a guy practicing one guitar line for some other song over and over.
Eric: The name of this band is Radiation Blackbody. The name of this song is EP is Falling to Death Through Time and Space. The name of this song is "Total Omitters of Realities." I don't really know much about metal or hardcore or any of the shit that Fred always posts to the site, but this song is sick and makes me want to take my brand spankin' new computer monitor and smash it against my own skull. So I think that means it's good?
Fred: This is pure insanity. Basically a more hardcore Bastard Noise but without all the knob-twiddling… just jaw-dropping technicality and killer songwriting. I dare anyone to not be totally awe-struck at this shit.
Fire and the Romance - “Rescue”
Kyle: I will listen to the shit out of anything tagged "positive," and, true to its word, this song has me feeling #motivated. If I were in the locker room before a middle school basketball game, I would listen to the shit out of this and then go kick some butt on the court!
Eric: Okay so I’m a sucker for shitty pop music. I really am. At the end of a long hard day full of blogging my thoughts onto the internet, it’s nice to just go home, tune out, and listen to bubble gum. So on that note, I love the shit out of this and will probably play it next time I DJ. If you’re lost in the ocean, just call and I’ll be your rescue, baby. I’m not giving up, up, up.
Intern - “passionate kiss”
Kyle: Literally everything our interns have ever done is better than this. Shouts out to our interns!
Eric: Whoever made this is probably a talented producer, but I will never listen to it again.
Fred: I love our interns! Shout out to my homie John! My girl Aliza! Can’t forget Sarina!
Looking to ruin your eardrums even more? Check out our previous reviews of whatever you sent us here.