FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Music

We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 17

Tommy Siegel of Narc Twain provided some artistic renderings of your submissions.

Every month, we do a thing we hate. We open the internet floodgates and agree to review any ol’ crap people send us. We’ve been doing this for over a year and have maybe found one to two listenable things. But for whatever reason, we keep doing it. This month, we decided to drag someone else into our misery. Noisey editors Dan Ozzi, Kim Taylor Bennett, and Eric Sundemann were joined by Tommy Siegel of the band Narc Twain. He is a big fan of doodling so he agreed to draw artistic interpretations of our reactions to this month’s submissions. So here we go. Deep breaths…

Advertisement

Corpy - “How I’m Living”

Dan: This is the song a taxi driver would be playing in my nightmare where I’m late for my first class of freshman year.
KTB: Like being trapped it a frat house at 3.30 AM where there’s at least four songs bleeding from the bedrooms to create a hallway of sonic horror.
Eric: Somebody listened to Yeezus!
Tommy: You'll have to actually listen to the song to understand what's going on here, but trust me when I say Rafiki from The Lion King lifting a stoned baby Yoda in the air makes sense.

Uncle Funk - “Can U Feel It”

Dan: This is the most popular song among NYC pimps in the 1970s.
KTB: “Please excuse these hands of mine / They wander to the strangest places / Baby time is wasted / I just gotta see you naked tonight.” Uncle Funk! You old perv. Good work being upfront and getting straight to the point, I guess. What “strangest places” could he be talking about though? Like what part of the body is strange for one’s hands to wander to at this point? Maybe he’s into giving girls wet willies. In which case, no thanks, bud, we’re good.
Eric: This song is kind of hilarious because if it came out a couple years ago and was recorded by a band named Daft Punk, we’d be calling it the song of the year.
Tommy: My mind started wandering and I'm not sure why but I could just see Mike Huckabee playing bass on this one.

“Meet the Mets” - New York Mets Fight Song

Dan: Topical! Not to speak ill of a New York team, but maybe this song was too nice and that’s why people walk all over the Mets? Like, that’s the hardest you could go? Meet our team? Shouldn’t it be something like “the Mets are gonna stomp your balls into the ground, fear our wrath” or something?
KTB: This is so jolly. I have to go make a cup of tea. GO METS!
Eric: I was late filing my reviews of these songs because I fell asleep watching last night’s 14-inning baseball game. Is it just me, or would Joe Buck make an incredible MC?
Tommy: I know Dan's complaint here is how unthreatening this song is, but picture it as "meat" the Mets and the whole thing becomes a little Dadaist.

Advertisement

Syringe - “Wretched”

Dan: Oh man, I’ve been hoping and praying for a noise band fronted by Patrick from Spongebob Squarepants!
KTB: Woah. It’s like all the pissed off spirits caught in the Super Slammer Muon Trap got together and laid down a “tune.”
Eric: Sounds like a drunk voicemail I once left an ex.
Tommy: Tried to illustrate Dan's first impression as best as I could.

Drawing of a Dick

@NoiseyMusic @theKTB @ericsundy @danozzi @TommySiegel friend sent me this drawing from Canada, please review it pic.twitter.com/SusvBpBbUc

— DanTract (@dantract) October 27, 2015

Dan: The drawing is terrific. Lots of nice crosshatching on the shaft there. The dick itself is lopsided and gross. But nice drawing.
KTB: DAN TRACT. Trust you to send in a picture of a wang for review. This person is clearly into shaving his balls. Whose pubes look like that except dude’s who like to keep ’em bald? Guess this person was hitting a dry patch though because that nutsack looks prickly AF.
Eric: Not veiny enough.
Dan: Tommy, can you draw our reaction to us not liking the dick drawing?
Tommy: Since I don't know what you guys look like in person, I just imagined it as this super meta scene where these dicks get a drawing of the dick and are offended but in a very different way… like when someone draws you and you look ugly. Like, maybe if we were all anthropomorphized dicks we would be sensitive to how we're portrayed. I don't know where I'm going here.

Advertisement

ElijahOVO - “12”

Dan: Do people put OVO at the end of their names thinking they’ll get signed if they do? That’s like a college athlete going by MikeOakland Raiders
KTB: Who is kicking in the door? WHO? Can anyone help? ElijahOVO are you in danger? I can call someone if you need some help… Oh wait! “12” is kicking in the door. In that case, you’ll be fine.
Eric: Once again, we can blame Drake.
Tommy: The first few times I heard this one I thought he was saying "a buck 12," but now I think he's actually saying "fuck 12." Well, too late. I drew $1.12.

Surely I Come Quickly - “All the Time”

Dan: LOL the artist is called Surely I Come Quickly… you guys get it? Like the sex thing? I know Eric gets what I’m talking about.
KTB: STEP AWAY FROM THE JESUS AND MARY CHAIN DISCOGRAPHY, SIR. STEP AWAY.
Eric: I just don’t really understand the thought process that leads you to thinking that making this type of music anymore is a good idea? It’s like trying to invent a Nintendo when you already own a PS4.
Dan: Dammit, Eric, acknowledge my sweet own of you!
Tommy: Drew a Tinder profile for that band name/song title combo. *shrugs*

This Guy’s Twitter Timeline

@NoiseyMusic @theKTB @ericsundy @danozzi @TommySiegel review my twitter timeline

— Moy (@mmirand_af) October 27, 2015

Dan: It’s in Spanish and I no hablo Espanol.
KTB: Feeling really inadequate right about now.
Eric: As an American it’s my duty to be proud of the fact that I can only speak English, right?
Tommy: I genuinely scoped this timeline out.

Advertisement

Angelo Moto - “I Hate You”

Dan: Wow this guy got dumped pretty bad, huh? Get over, my dude. Lots of ladies looking to check out that mini-fro.
KTB: Mmm. IDK Dan. The chin pubes are kind of a deal breaker—sweet ’fro or no. Also Moto! Don’t drink and drive. That’s not cool.
Eric: They say that Kid Cudi is one of the most influential artists of the last decade—without him, we wouldn’t have the introspective emotional 808s-era Kanye West, the every-person-feeling-shitty-but-tryna-get-over-it world of Drake’s Take Care, or even the 12 months of Future’s mediation on the thought that “I hate my ex but I really hate myself for hating my ex.” We also have Kid Cudi to thank for this white guy with a fro screaming into his phone.

RexxLifeRaj - "Yellow Brick Road"

Dan: You can tell that when they were filming this video, all of those businesses in the background had to tell this dude multiple times not to film his music video in front of their store.
KTB: Man I really want a burrito now. Where’s that taqueria at? I’m in need.
Eric: No snark here: This guy has a good style and flow. With better production, I could see him finding a lane in the current climate of Chance, D.R.A.M., and others. Maybe he’ll really make it and Drake will soon be stealing his sound.
Tommy: He mentions being a goat in a previous life about a minute in. So here's his signature hat from the music video on a goat, in his previous life.

Advertisement

Balinese Gamelan

Dan: This feels educational. Am I about to learn some shit? If I’m learning something here, forget it. Not interested.
KTB: I literally die for gamelan. OK not literally. I was kind of pretending to be Rachel Zoe just then, but I do find it quite magical. In part because this boy I used to love played gamelan, but also because it just sounds completely unlike rock, pop, hip-hop, EDM, metal, emo, punk, or any other genre I might have to write about. It’s evocative of another dimension I’d like to flee to. Also at 3.44 you can totally throw down.
Eric: The emo revival is real!
Tommy: I didn't double-check, but I have close to 100 percent certainty I know who submitted this.

CONFZ ft. Jamilah Barry - "Raindrops"

Dan: This guy seems like the type of person who thinks he’s smart because he talks with his hands, wears glasses, and has a cool accent. If you’re so smart, why does your music video look like an Apple commercial reject?
KTB: Shouts out to SBTV! Hello UK. Shit. I forgot to take out my teabag… OK I’m back. I like that this man’s rap incorporates the mention of a kettle. Kyle will probably hate this because he doesn’t like British people making hip-hop, but I’m down.
Eric: *watches slam poetry once*
Tommy: I was really digging this, so I just started drawing Donald Trump as a kangaroo with a Donald Trump kangaroo baby in his pouch.

KTB - “All These Years”

Dan: Woah this dude’s name is KTB. What do you think of that, Kim Taylor Bennett a.k.a. theKTB?
KTB: I’m probably older than this dude, so I win. I get the THE. FYI: His initials apparently stand for Knux The Barbarian, but more pertinently he’s rapping about fighting hard to make it “here” and he spends the entire video in an arcade. I’d be kinda mopey if I fought for “all these years” only to make to the arcade down the block. Unless it was like a Walking Dead style situation, in which case I’d be AMPED.
Eric: 2003 was a good year for rap music.
Tommy: Since the music video takes place in a Chuck-E-Cheese-like setting, this seemed appropriate to me.

Advertisement

Chinese Newspapers - Untitled

Dan: Chinese Newspaper seems like a band that would get mildly successful and then a bunch of people on the internet would get mad at their name and they’ve have to apologize and change it.
KTB: You mean like Viet Cong, Dan? The opening chords make me want to pick up a guitar and play Hole’s “Violet,” so I guess that’s a bonus for me and a bummer for my neighbors.
Eric: My review of this song is that it’s pretty chill and these guys probably smoke weed out of apples.
Tommy: I'm gonna apologize here, but my mind started wandering again and I was thinking about how Rand Paul makes me think of Dagwood. So here's Rand Paul with that giant sandwich like Dagwood.

Jed K. - “My Chem is back and better than ever”

Dan: As I understand it, this is a mashup of My Chemical Romance and Village People’s “YMCA.” Obviously this is dogshit but I did think of a good name for it. “YMCR.” You’re welcome.
KTB: I can’t really follow that. Dan, you win.
Eric: Sorry, Dan. This fuckin’ slaps.

Torts - “they call me torts”

Dan: Well, that answers my question: What does every single button on a Casio keyboard do?
KTB: A brief education at least.
Eric: This costs 69 dollars. Nice.

Retro P - “Tiny mix”

Dan: I think I am the most merciful on mashups out of all of us and I hate this so uh, good luck with my colleagues…
KTB: Oh FFS I’ve already slagged off Radiohead’s “Creep” in the past seven days. I do like the shit photoshop job though.
Eric: Hey guys, remember Girl Talk?
Tommy:

Advertisement

BINKS

Dan: Hey man, thanks a lot for the minute and a half of you testing out the black and white setting on your video camera. Definitely not a waste of everyone’s time or anything.
KTB: What happens when you make technology affordable.
Eric: I blame Steve Jobs.

Alcuna Destinazione

Dan: Do you guys understand what he’s saying?
KTB: We’re really getting shown up for our lack of second/third/fourth/any language skills beyond English on this open submission session. I used to speak Dutch! Eh, who am I kidding? That never helped anyone.
Eric: Man, at first I thought this was going to be a twee song that could easily appear in a montage during a Wes Anderson film, but then the drums kicked in and, like, whoa, we’re going somewhere now, and then there’s the build, the guitars revving up, then pause, then, explosion. This sounds like Coldplay and I am here for it.
Tommy: Something in the chords here and I started thinking about that rock song that the pope just released a while back.

Tawobi - "8th"

Dan: Man, this is not something we say a lot around here on Noisey, but honestly, dude, you might be too stoned.
KTB: What’s the message here? He’s happy about his eighth? Apparently not because the lady singing says: “Every day I think I might be better off dead.” People singing about drugs is really fucking dull. Unless they’re Lou Reed. Or Blur. Or The Stranglers. Or Guns ’N Roses. Or Pulp. Or Snoop. Or Jefferson Airplane. Or Luniz. Or Green Day. Or The Beatles. Or Grandmaster Flash. Or Cypress Hill. Oh forget it.
Eric: Weed, like music, is dope.