I Met the Lonely Island of Trap Music at the AVNs

If, last week, you had told me I was going to meet the Lonely Island of trap music at a porn convention, and that the Lonely Island of trap music would also be nautically themed, I would have not believed you. And yet, I did indeed meet the Lonely Island of trap music this weekend at the AVNs, and they were amazing. Life comes at you fast.

Meet Jimbo and Danny, a pair of brothers who make up Hardnox. They're originally from the Bay but just moved to Vegas, because Las Vegas is the only place where they could logically exist. I met them at the AVNs because they were playing trap music for strippers to dance to in a hallway right outside one of the AVN convention rooms. They were wearing sailor suits. I decided I had to talk to them. I spoke with Jimbo, who told me he and his brother are the DJs for the pool at a local strip club called Sapphire. I did a quick interview with him, we exchanged numbers, and then made plans to meet up at said strip club that night.

The next day, I googled them. That's when I discovered their Soundcloud page.

There are no words to describe the music of Hardnox other than "holy fuck."

The first song on their Soundcloud is called “I Dunno What to Say.”It is a trap-rap song about feeling awkward when a black person calls them the n-word.

Here, meanwhile, is a song they made about Sapphire, the strip club whose pool they DJ at. It is, coincidentally, the strip club where they eventually sent a limo for me so I meet them to hang out. While I was talking to Jimbo at the club, the VJ played their music video for an as-of-yet-unreleased song on the big screen. It featured them—obviously—wearing their captain's suits and turning up on a boat.

But what if, say, Scott Disick is in Hyde, and it's his birthday? Don't worry, Hardnox have a song for that. Because Hardnox will make you a custom song to play when you are in a specific club.

Here is one about someone named King Perry, for when he, too, enters Hyde. It mentions hedge funds.

With every song, I could believe what I was listening to less and less. Here is a trap remix they did of Martin Garrix's "Animals," with parody raps over them.

Regardless of whether or not you agree with the principle of trap remixes with parody raps over them, this is literally unlike anything I have ever heard. Here is a song about drinking Fireball whiskey over a fake DJ Mustard beat.

Here’s a parody of fast-rap songs where they just yell “eenie meenie miney moe” a bunch of times.

The music of Hardnox defies all judgments. Saying these songs are good or bad would be like saying the sounds that play in your brain right before you die are good or bad. Instead, you should just appreciate them, because no one was making music like Hardnox before Hardnox decided to make it. Below is a conversation I had with Jimbo from Hardnox.

Noisey: How did you find yourself wearing a sailor suit DJing at a porn convention?
Jimbo from Hardnox: That’s a really, really, really good question. My brother and I are in a group called Hard Nox, and we DJ’d the Sapphire Pool last summer. We’re the turn-up guys. We turn the party up. One of the GMs of Sapphire was like, “Hey, you should try wearing these sailor suits.” I usually just wore a backwards hat and a blash t-shirt. Sometimes it’s not too interesting. I put this on, and I was like “Oh my god, I look like a dork.” But it was a hit! When we put these on, me and my brother turn into somebody else. We’ve actually been out to the clubs a couple times partying wearing these. It’s a hit!

It’s the Pharrell hat of suits.
Yeah! It’s like our Smokey the Bear hat. Pharrell wears that and all of a sudden he’s getting all this press! People love it. We’ve sunk into it.

You definitely have the turn-up down to a fine science.
We do everything. People call us to turn the party up. We don’t play mellow stuff. I just love crazy shit.

You’re from the Bay Area. Were you into the hyphy movement?
We were for a little bit. We actually did a track with Mr. F.A.B. We actually did a show with Too $hort and The Pack. We did Foothill High School in the Bay Area.

That’s, like, the rarest bill of all time.
It was right when hyphy was crankin’. The Pack had just come out with “Vans.” It’s cool that I’m doing this interview while I’m DJing. But we’ve played everywhere in The Bay. Give us a mic, we’ll do it. Now we’re wearing captain shit at the AVNs. How the fuck did we get here? What we should play next?

Play Bobby Shmurda.
I have Caked Up’s remix of “Hot Boy.”

Any version of this song, people just go fucking nuts.
Yesterday Rae Sremmurd was (sic) here. His (sic) manager came up and said, “He (sic) wants to meet you.” Qball from Sublime came and said what’s up. Ron Jeremy just walked by us.

This has got to be the best place to people-watch.
This is our first AVNs. I’ve always wanted to go. We’re from the Bay so we’ve seen some pretty twisted shit. There’s a lot of great people out here.

Do you feel like that guy’s [Editor's Note: Said guy is pictured above] jacking your style?
No! We took a picture earlier in the day! He’s like the father captain.

What’s the weirdest shit you’ve seen at the AVNs?
I’ve seen a lot of spanking going on. There was a booth with a girl who was digging her high heels into guys’ faces. And they were getting off on it! That was… that would hurt.

Some dudes are just into that. I was talking to a guy yesterday and he said his friend was a porn director who got off on getting kicked in the balls. He said at one point he filmed himself in a three-point stance on a football field and had Sasha Grey dressed as a placekicker like, thirty yards behind him. Then she ran as hard as she could up to him and kicked the shit out of his balls.
Did he go like, “AHHH!” or did he like it?

Probably both?
Was he on something? Fuck. That’s crazy. Hell no.

Read all of Drew Millard's AVN coverage here, and follow him on Twitter.