A Track-by-Track Review of 'Watch the Stove,' the Hamburger Helper Mixtape

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Unless you’re a dork who uses phrases like "brandegizing" and "organic reach," you know the only cool brand Twitter is @helper, Hamburger Helper’s account. You probably remember the brand from being a kid and eating that heavenly cheese-covered beef and noodles your mom fed you on Tuesdays after soccer practice.

“Yeah I remember that stuff; it sucked; the beef was always dry,” you might say. Yeah, well the dry beef is your mom’s fault, so take that up with her. But that’s not the point. Anyway.

Today, of course, is April Fool’s Day, meaning that everyone thought Helper actually dropping a tape was the joke. But then the tape, called Watch the Stove, dropped, so maybe the joke is that Helper dropped a corny project? Well, as it would turn out, that’s not the joke either.

It's five tracks of varying degrees of flames. Here’s a rundown if you’re still scared to press play:

Can't decide if this is the Desiigner version of Makonnen or Thugger but I'm not mad at either option TBH. This was definitely a song about drugs before they realized they could change a couple words and get more shine. That's just good marketing. And there's a line about beef with lean in it and if that doesn't make you at least curious then we're two very different people.

Rating (out of 5):

Legit thought this was Yatchy or Quavo for two seconds when it started an let out an audible “holy shit” so it’s that good. I think it’s safe to say two songs in that Helper is clearly a Gucci fan, which warms my heart like 15 dog playing with cats GIFs stacked on top of each other. This is a good “a bouncer has to tell you in a stern voice to get off a couch or else you’re done in this bar/club for the night” song. Now excuse me as I go off yelling “every year I have a birthday / every year I get a cake.”

Rating (out of 5):

This sounds like some shit they play over the speakers at PacSun during the afternoon shift. I know that cause I use to work at a PacSun. This isn't a positive or negative opinion. Simply an observation. (Opinion-wise though I like it. It’s good.)

Rating (out of 5):

I only listened to the first 20 seconds before I hit skip, but if you liked the music that artists would perform after All That (like starting the third season, first couple seasons’ musical guest line up still is legendary and unparalleled) then this is for you.

Rating (out of 5):

Lmao bruh what is even going on anymore. This shit is so forward thinking and based that at this point there’s really no indication of this being any kind of joke. Effort was put into this project and it shows. I fucking love brands.

Rating (out of 5):

So this tape starts as a Trapaholics compilation, turns into a 90s Taco Bell commercial soundtrack, and then ends as Lil Boat The Mixtape 2. I'm still very confused as to what exactly what happened here or what the April Fool aspect of this whole thing is, as i'm sure many of you are, but there's nothing to be mad about. It may cast a little too wide a net for some people's liking, but that just means there's at least one track on here for everyone. And for fuck's sake, it's a mixtape made by a dinner food mascot. A dinner food mascot who is a glove and tweets rap lyrics. So if you took this seriously in any fashion then you already fucked up. Shit, I took this too seriously by even writing this review, so I'm gonna stop here. Have a good weekend, and make some Crunchy Taco Helper out of gratitude, and god bless the intern who was brave enough to speak up in the planning meeting.

Trey Smith is the internet's leading food opinion haver. Follow him on Twitter.