We Sent a Teen to the Mall to Review the Music at the Mall
Unless I’m back-to-school shopping with Grandma or getting my iPhone repaired at the Apple Store, I don’t fuck with the mall.
All photos by the teen's friend Nick Sullivan
[Editor's Note: Welcome to the latest edition of Teen Time!, our column by and for teens. Our teen's name is Eli (he's above). Eli is from New Jersey, and in the past, we forced him to spend his snow day listening to new wave and interview Mike Kinsella (of American Football) about teen emotions. He has also interviewed his teachers, his classmates, and his dad about music. This week, Eli The Teen went to the mall, so we had him listen to the mall music. It's teen time, baby!]
Unless I’m back-to-school shopping with Grandma or getting my iPhone repaired at the Apple Store, I don’t fuck with the mall. I like to embrace my passive inner punk and avoid entering any mecca of consumerism if I don’t have to. But, being mildly intrigued by the musical repertoire of the mall (I heard a Passion Pit song on the second floor when I was there in like sixth grade, if that’s substantial reason to be captivated), I decided to go and scavenge stores for auditory dopeness.
From lingerie jams to skinny jean screamo, here’s what’s playing at the mall:
WHAT THEY SELL: Panties and bras.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “Love Me Like You Do” by Ellie Goulding. It’s from the Fifty Shades Of Grey soundtrack, which means customers can feel sexy in their Victoria’s Secret undies while listening to the track and being dominated!
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: I didn’t buy anything...
WHAT THEY SELL: Decent clothing I guess.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “Play It (Acoustic Version)” by Sneakout. Sounds like a Dan Auerbach and Trent Reznor shoulder-shrug of a collab.
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: Eh, it was okay. Not an Old Navy fan.
WHAT THEY SELL: Vibrant, bohemian garments at bargain prices.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “Run Baby Run” by Toro y Moi. Toro doesn’t sound like the Portlandia theme song anymore.
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: I put on a tightly-knit black hat that made me resemble a British police officer. Bloody blimey!
WHAT THEY SELL: Sk8r clothing my dude!
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “Uppers” by Stooki Sound and Mr. Carmack, a super “fires” track. Makes me want to do some righteous “360 degree up-flip-turns.”
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: A worker asked why Nick (our photographer) had a camera. He said that he was taking pics for a Noisey article. Nice. [Ed. note: Our teen forgot to get a picture of himself at Zumiez, so here's a generic picture of a Zumiez.]
WHAT THEY SELL: Shirts that say “Hollister” and a random year.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “March Into The Sun” by Echosmith. That song title makes me feel ouch.
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: I got to chill in the store’s “Jeans Lounge,” which is just the jeans section. Jeans on the rocks bartender—and make it snappy!
WHAT THEY SELL: Jewelry, bracelets, and other scintillating knick knacks for young women.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “Heroes (We Could Be)” by Alesso ft. Tove Lo. Not a Bowie cover. :(
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: Wow. After listening to the song more attentively, I’m really bummed that it’s not a Bowie cover. All it does is sporadically use the hook, “We could be heroes.”
WHAT THEY SELL: Tight, macabre clothing. And cheeky Doctor Who shirts.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “Ride The Wings Of Pestilence” by From First To Last, on which Skrillex sings. “RARARARARARAARARARARARA.” That’s my screamo impersonation.
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: They had Gnarwolves on vinyl, who’re rad, blistering indie emo from UK. And I found a My Little Pony picture disc.
The Body Shop
WHAT THEY SELL: Enchanting aromas for your crib.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “White Noise” by Disclosure ft. AlunaGeorge. Tried turning fam onto these guys once.
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: So many great smells!
WHAT THEY SELL: Home furnishings.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “Fancy” by Iggy Azalea ft. Charli XCX and I think a Pitch Perfect cover of “Lollipop” by MIKA. Pop music is the best music, that’s why it’s popular!
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: Fell into a comfy chair.
Abercrombie & Fitch:
WHAT THEY SELL: Shirts that say “Abercrombie & Fitch” and a random year.
WHAT THEY PLAYED: “For A Night” by The Dealer ft. Shells, the type of shit for your 8tracks “rainy day chillout” playlist. But really, the best kind of “dealer” is Organ Dealer.
OVERALL EXPERIENCE/FUN MOMENTS: I went behind a mannequin and made a goofy face.
Eli Zeger is a teen. Follow him on Twitter.