Let's All Talk About Drake's New Song

2 Chainz's verse is kind of boring, Drake's part is great, and Big Sean makes us think about our freshman year of college.

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Aug 1 2013, 8:25pm

Another day, another new Drake song. Because Drake (or, more likely, someone on his team) posted the track at 2am last night, the song's been all over the internet and you've more than definitely already heard it. So, let's just consider this the new Drake single version of a book club where we all talk about how "All Me" makes us feel.

First off, the intro. It samples Aziz Ansari, and as bizarre an aesthetic choice it is to begin a rap song with a motherfucking Aziz Ansari intro, it's even more bizarre that Aziz, hip-hop nerd he is, has remained silent about the song's existence on his twitter account. I thought better of Aziz Ansari and his capacity for completely spazzing out about interacting with rappers in any capacity.

The beat, produced by Key Wane, seems like it samples some opera dude, which makes me wonder why the fuck they didn't get Opera Steve on the track. If you don't remember, Opera Steve was this chubby opera singer who Dipset and Terror Squad and other like-minded New York rappers would get to sing hooks. The greatest and best thing Opera Steve ever did was perform live with Cam'ron in this video, which is to this day probably one of my top ten favorite things on YouTube (note Cam's sweater that just says "69" on it). The second-greatest thing Opera Steve ever did was naming himself "Opera Steve." Anyways, I want an Opera Steve revival in hip-hop, but I as much as I'd like it to, I highly doubt it'll come from Drake. Instead, I'm just sort of assuming A$AP Yams is one of these days going to lead a fellowship of nine hypebeasts to some basement in Harlem and discover a cold and alone Opera Steve, give him clothing and shelter, and then have him do every single hook on A$AP Ferg's next mixtape. Moving on.

2 Chainz's verse on this song isn't really that great, except for the part where he claims to have a metal dick, which makes me wonder how many times 2 Chainz has seen Spinal Tap. Drake, meanwhile, keeps getting better and better at being casually disdainful of all other forms of human life while still coming across as a cuddly lamb-dude. Maybe this is because where normal rappers brag about stealing your girl, Drake raps about fucking girls who used to babysit him, which is like 37,000 times more emotionally devastating. To sex up a babysitter is to realize a deep-seeded Freudian fantasy, and after you do it you probably have lots of weird thoughts and get confronted with your deepest insecurities, which is really what Drake is all about—the interplay between doing awesome, braggadocios shit and then hating yourself because of the consequences.

Another great thing about Drake is how he invents goofy linguistic formulations, which obviously isn't a thing specific to him but is something he does very subtly unlike, say, Riff Raff. In "All Me," he raps, "Myself just told myself, 'You the motherfuckin' man you don't need no help!'" Which is a thing I have genuinely never heard before come out of a human's mouth. Myself just told myself that this is going to be the year that people start awkwardly talking to themselves.

Big Sean provides a pretty perfect response to all of my overanalyzing with the beginning of his verse when he damn near screams, "HO! SHUTTHE.FUCK.UP!" It's genuinely disconcerting how much louder Sean's verse is compared to 2 Chainz and Drake's; I refuse to believe this was an accident. Sean sounds paranoid here, barely staying on-beat, his words oscillating in speed like he can't keep his thoughts straight. As most rational rap fans, I kind of hate Big Sean—in his early days he showed the importance of only having one fan as long as that one fan is Kanye West—but I also adore him, because he is the type of lovable shithead who you lived with in college who bragged about getting with every single girl in the building but actually just masturbated a lot. Point being, the only part I believe about that line where he says his new girl is on Glee is that he one time he probably met a girl who was an extra on Glee, and then Big Sean went home and masturbated.

Anyways, I liked this song enough to write several hundred words about it, and I'm going to go think about what that says about my life.

Drew Millard is a grown adult man. He's on Twitter - @drewmillard