We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 19

A while ago, we used to do this thing where we asked people on the internet to send us their art that they care very much about and then thought of creative ways to be very mean about it. It's kinda fun, but because all of you out there are so thirsty, it’s also exhausting and results in us sacrificing our Twitter mentions to third-rate Kendrick mashups for the better part of a week. We haven’t done it in a while, but we’ve never been the type to learn lessons from our mistakes, so guess what idiots, we’re at it again.

Staff Writer Kristin Corry and Editor Colin Joyce—two Noisey staffers who’ve been around for a minute but have yet to subjected to this torment—join We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us veteran Lawrence Burney for another round of this annoying and time-consuming thing we do to ourselves intermittently. This time you sent us a lot of Soundcloud links and more than one bong, though we technically asked for that. To be honest, we didn’t click on most of it because the links were coming in faster than Tweetdeck could handle, and also we’re lazy. But we did our best, so we also have to ask the same of you. Please make better music next time.

Lawrence: This is pretty damn sleepy. The beat is solid.
Kristin: The hook is weirdly catchy. By the end I was thinking, “I guess I wanna ball now.” Damn, ball is life after all.
Colin: Not much into sports these days, sorry!

Lawrence: I didn’t even know ski goggles were a thing but this song goes hard. They have those Trippie Redd harmonies. I’m in support of anyone with a voice that’s anything close to this alien. Like, this sounds like a 13-year-old so maybe I shouldn’t support a kid talking this way. But I talked like this at 13 so fuck it.
Kristin: Oh my God. Your energy, I need it. This was honestly fun as hell and I wouldn’t be surprised if ski goggles made a comeback soon. You might be on trend!
Colin: This is the fidget spinning kid right? They grow up so fast.

Lawrence: That “Xmas Eve” joint got me fucked me. Sounds like the Teletubbies laid a track down.
Kristin: I really commend your patience on “A Prayer For Staying In Bed” because I’m not sure I could’ve said one word per second like this.
Colin: Hello Boy Band, I know you from Online. This EP as sad and hilarious as your tweets are. Put that in your bio.

Kristin: First of all, Susan Lucci is the baddest from All My Children, so if you don’t do her justice… Okay, nevermind. Nice bars here. I’ll probably use “These bitches all my children, word to Susan Lucci” as an Instagram caption. You’ve been warned.
Colin: Because I am a child I only have the loosest grasp on who Susan Lucci is, which feels like more or less crucial knowledge here.
Kristin: Colin, I’m only a year older than you. RESPECT QUEEN LUCCI.
Lawrence: I have no idea who Susan Lucci is. But I do know who YFN Lucci is and that’s my mans. I can’t get with these raps too heavy, though.

Lawrence: I support this.
Colin: I’ve never seen a truer love than this. (Side note: respect to my good friends in Coping Skills’ dedication to shitposting. They have a—very good—album out this week and only included a link to their Tidal artist page?)

Colin: That jacket in the album art suggests to me that luvvvnomore works as a concierge at a chain hotel. That certainly seems like the kinda gig that would allow you to afford professional mixing and mastering, but what do I know.
Kristin: If I remember correctly, your tweet said this was like a new version of “21 Questions.” You shouldn’t market it that way because “21 Questions” is a classic and now all I can think about is that this isn’t really like “21 Questions” at all.
Lawrence: Not my cup of tea. Do not compare yourself to Curtis Jackson ever again my man.

Colin: Muzak’s back baby! Which means people are rapping over it too. This kinda goes.
Kristin: This is really nice. Sounds like actual elevator music and your delivery is pretty nice.
Lawrence: I personally don’t like when music plays in elevators.

Kristin: I like your voice on the verses, but the hook doesn’t even make me want to get that far.
Lawrence: I actually enjoy this hook, Kristin. Stop hating!
Kristin: Well, he sounds like a fuckboy on the hook. Forgive me if I tuned out.
Colin: This bassline is very sunny, but I worry that this whole exercise is rendering me incapable of feeling joy.

Lawrence: Dogs are generally annoying so, naw.
Colin: WOW no. The sorta gif that makes you wish it had audio. Very good boys.
Kristin: Doggies!

Lawrence: I feel nothing.
Colin: Some deft 808 obliteration here. Shame about that guy rapping over top of it though.
Kristin: These are some pretty forgettable bars over a beat that could’ve went really hard.

Kristin: This honestly feels like it belongs in Get Out.
Lawrence: Is this an iPod Classic commercial from 2008?
Colin: No no no, Justin Blackburn’s an oasis in this sad, weird world. It's always good to hear a dispatch from the Most Positive Person in DIY Indie Rock™.

Lawrence: Acid would make this is a classic. Without acid, this just sounds like a Super Nintendo game type beat.
Colin: Not gonna get tricked into saying something mean about our very kind coworker at Vice Brazil. This is great Eduardo. Please respond to my emails.
Kristin: Wait, when the beat drop though! You came with the layers, I didn’t expect all this.

Lawrence: Cube Head is a great name. Not even for just a rapper, but anything. This song is very weird. I don’t even know what it’s about. About depression I think? I like it.
Colin: I don’t even have to listen to know this guy’s nowhere near as cool as Pyramid Head.
Kristin: This is really dark hook, and I hope you don’t really feel this way. It feels weird to say I like it, but I like it?

Lawrence: The flow here sounds like some Detroit shit, which I love. I appreciate the relentlessness.
Colin: This mix sucks, but in a bad way. I feel like it could easily suck in a good way. I await the bass-boosted remix.
Kristin: “Gassed her, said she better with no makeup” Wow, I’m crying. That’s not nice, but I feel like I understand what you mean Colin. There’s something in the mixing that’s off that could take this up a notch.
Lawrence: I’d also like to add that this song is genuinely mean as hell. Taking away five points for that.

Lawrence: The cover is pretty boring by 2018’s standards but I’m sure it was mind blowing in 1990. Also, just the title itself makes this album iconic because the message still rings true.
Colin: Unimpeachable imo. Though after staring at this for a while, I think I finally get what Melancholia was about.
Kristin: That awkward moment when the world still fears a black planet. Wakanda forever.

Lawrence: Spanish trap is usually a homerun for me but the energy here is so low that I’m having a hard time following.
Colin: A bit of a sleepwalking vibe here and a beat that plinks along like a music box, but I’m always into that. All music should be very slow and very loud.
Kristin: Yeah, I thought of “Shake” by Ying Yang Twins and Pitbull when I saw the title and this is definitely different. I don’t mind that it’s sort’ve drowsy. It just slurs a lot in the actual verse.

Lawrence: Spliffs and blunts only. FOH.
Colin: I dunno, I think you always gotta give points for resourcefulness and accessibility. Plus, you could always leave the tic-tacs in there for a refreshingly minty hit. Sure, you may be inhaling plastics but what do you think menthols are?
Kristin: Wow, Colin. Leave the tic-tacs in there. You are brilliant.

Lawrence: This came on like some old 50 shit then started feeling like some old Doom shit. I like what you’re doing here bruv.
Colin: Yeah this is kinda slippery and weird, with some incredibly annoying—in a good way!—background vocals. Into it, save for the Enter the Dragon samples, I think we can impose a general moratorium on those.
Kristin: This feels refreshing because it feels so old. Not old in a bad way, but old like you’ve been here before.

Lawrence: I’m genuinely confused by what “alternative R&B” is supposed to be but other than that, I’m really digging this song. Great voice. Great production.
Colin: Ugh, like I’m supposed to hop off this joke train and “enjoy music,” get real. The cover looks like the home decor section of an Urban Outfitters. There, that’s kind of a joke. Ok the song’s good, fine. Yeah.
Kristin: Had to reserve my one “yas queen,” so YAS QUEEN. I like this, it sort’ve gives me Brandy vibes. Your voice is really pretty. I will say, I feel like you held back a little bit, push your pen.

Colin: If we’re meant to be reviewing all the music from Ottawa I’m gonna need to pull up a list of famous people from there…

Ok, I give this an A+.
Lawrence: Where is Ottawa again?
Kristin: ?

Lawrence: This was intense as hell. I kept thinking something was about to happen and it didn’t happen. But I guess that was the point?
Colin: A little Tim-Hecker-type-beat for my tastes, but I’m firmly of the opinion that much like bad pizza, even kinda middling ambient music still kicks ass.
Kristin: I’m going to be real with you, I don’t have the attention span for this.
Colin: That hurts my soul.

Lawrence: “We ain’t into Russians like PEWtin!” Baltimore and London have kindred pronunciations of the letter YEW so this is fire by default.
Colin:
Sorry, going to pass on this one as we don’t generally post teaser videos! Be sure to circle back when the full track’s out.

Best,
Colin
Kristin: I was really hoping this was some Harlem shit when I saw the Paid in Full visual, but I’m not mad at the energy.

Lawrence: Pikachu is honestly one of the weakest Pokemon. It’s a real shame because Raichu was always in my top three but because Ash didn’t wanna give Pikachu the thunderstone, my mans never got his proper shine. And I’ll never forget the episode where they had Pikachu beat Raichu in a fight. Phony! Also, I hated Pokemon Yellow for the simple fact that Pikachu was always following you around. He’s so fucking annoying. Big up Raichu.
Colin: Pikachu was alright by me until he spoke English. Fuck that, don’t make me confront the ethics of the whole Pokemon universe by giving him complex motivations and a rich inner life. That makes the whole spirit of the thing tantamount to animal abuse. My head is still spinning.
Kristin: I was a bandwagoner Pokemon fan and only liked the cute ones. So, Pikachu is still good in my book.

Lawrence: Again: FOH with this bong bullshit.
Colin: Bootleg Sonic memorabilia…novelty weed paraphernalia…two great tastes that taste great together. Put it in the MoMA.
Kristin: I’m not a smoker and wasn’t a Sonic fan, issa no from me.

Lawrence: I need to move to LA to fully enjoy what it’d feel like driving around to this. I’m cold right now and incapable of appreciating it.
Kristin: Retweeting my comment about my attention span.
Colin: I’m sorry, I’m pretty sure I don’t like music anymore. Not your fault just…*gestures around* I’m going to sleep.

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