This Extremely Detailed, Alleged Justin Bieber Rider Better Be Real

The list includes fresh flowers (no lilies), half a gallon of almond milk and 24 alkaline water bottles.

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May 3 2017, 2:15pm

If I were a famous pop star, a number of my favorite pastimes—going to the shop in my pajamas; getting drunk at a bingo hall and spectacularly falling over shortly afterwards in a pub to the strains of Britney Spears' "Toxic"; karaoke, etc—would be probably be off-limits because they are "embarrassing" and "bad for PR." Thus, for the most part, I think that being a famous pop star would be shit.

However, there is one thing that still allures me about the famous person lifestyle: the concept of tour "riders." There is nothing I covet more than the ability to write a list of all your tiniest and most ridiculous whims, in the knowledge that it is a team of poor bastards' actual jobs to go out and get them for you, and present them to you as soon as you show up backstage.

Every so often, riders leak or details about them are revealed—think of Mariah Carey requesting only 16-ounce bottles of Evian water to drink in her 2000 tour rider, and Van Halen's "no brown M&Ms" rule (which turned out to be a test to make sure that venues were reading the rider, specifically the technical elements, properly). And now, the latest to have that fate befall him is Justin Bieber.

Next Wednesday, May 10, Bieber's due to play a show in Mumbai, India, on what will be a longer trip to the country. And what appears to be a press release setting out the list of requirements for his stay has been posted online by music journalist Arjun S Ravi. At this stage, this is still an as-yet-completely-unverified rider, but is no less glorious:

Join me in, for a minute, believing that this document is real. If so, Bieber needs you to know that he requires "a special Indian Yoga Casket containing aromatic essential oils; jasmine, mogra, rose and camphor incense sticks; and books on chakras and yoga asanas will be placed in Bieber's suite, knowing his love for Yoga." Ah yes, his love of Yoga is well known! He'd also like hydrating lip balms and a personal masseuse. I know the feeling, Justin.

Food-wise, you'll be pleased to know that Bieber has gone organic! He's requested organic bananas, honey, dried fruit and turkey—but because deep down, he's just like you and me, despite being allowed to make his every want a reality, he's still got time for a treat, as he also lists peanut butter and cheese sandwiches, crisps, sliced white bread (?) and Haribos.

The "half a gallon of almond milk" does seem, yes, slightly excessive (is he cleansing his face with it? I am quite sure that Justin Bieber is bathing his facial skin in the almond milk). But I cannot in good conscience find much fault with any of it, because I know that in his position—that is, having his every desire catered to—there would be litters of chow chow puppies and solid gold platters of French fries left in my wake. You enjoy your "four vanilla protein drinks", Justin. I really do hope this thing is real.

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(Image via Wikimedia Commons)