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Owls: A Drake Story, Part 2

Kendrick, Jay Electronica, Kanye, and Skepta give Drake a call in the latest installment of the gripping OVOpus.


Illustration by Kat Aileen

When we left off in part one of "Owls," Drake, the 6 God, was in the studio with The Weeknd, PartyNextDoor, and 40. He had just learned that Kendrick Lamar was releasing a surprise album, much to his horror. Read part one of "Owls: A Drake Story" here.

Drake: Of all of the bullshit luck in North America
Weeknd: I told you this would happen
Weeknd: You said you would be number one in South Korea
Weeknd: Do you even know Taey-.
Drake: I am in no mood, Abel
Weeknd: It seems you are never in a mood when warnings become hindsight
PND: It's not like he's going to outsell you or anything
Weeknd: Didn't you give a similar reassurance about the Grammys?
Drake: You have become so arrogant
Weeknd: Please tell me all of the people I've beefed with that would drop surprise albums on me?
Weeknd: I'll wait.
Weeknd: In the meantime, what does this mean?
Drake: it means I'm making a phone call.
PND: You're going to call him.
Drake: We're both adults that rap about shooting guns even though we don't. We're in a new era; the top artists should be more civil.

*Drake makes a phone call and begins biting his nail just to realize he had bitten it down already*

Kendrick: PIMP PIMP
Drake: Kendrick
Kendrick: Punch, you was right, that nigga did call!
Punch: LMAO
Drake: So this is humorous to you
Kendrick: Yes, nigga it is.
Kendrick: You must've really thought you were gonna get away with that "how y'all let me run it down here" line, huh?
Kendrick: Have you seen your reviews?
Kendrick: More like views from the falloff, nigga
Schoolboy Q: Look! I went to his meme joint and put that nigga on a giant L lol!
Kendrick: Look at that. I send shots at everybody and next thing you know I'm at the Grammys scaring white people into tears.
Kendrick: How many cried?
Punch: Like 88 people
Kendrick: Just gallons of white tears
Kendrick: Speaking of sending shots, you never even responded to Control. I don't know if I should commend your restraint or call you a bitch
Schoolboy Q: You a bitch, Drake
Kendrick: Welp
Drake: ...I did respond
Kendrick: Oh. It must've been lost somewhere between your ex-girlfriend’s address and some shit about not shaking niggas' hands
Kendrick: Now you, on the other hand, are busy beefing beefing with the boyfriend of the chick that got you sprung and then put out the most underwhelming album of your career.
Kendrick: Well, underwhelming if you expect much lol
Drake: Nobody will care about your album. People have waited for the 6 God.
Kendrick: I don't even care about the album, nigga. I literally went in the studio and started scatting for 40 minutes over a Thundercat bassline
Kendrick: skibbitywopbipbop niggas shot
Kendrick: See him drop see the cops
Kendrick: See the peace that leave my block and see my seat up at the the top
Kendrick: Shimmanimmadottawop
Kendrick: Shit like that
Drake: That sounds fucking ludicrous
Kendrick: That sounds like some shit you won't do
Kendrick: Maybe if you spent time with actual musicians from the "six" instead of getting pillheads as ghostwriters, you'd be good.
Kendrick: Witness me, nigga. Quincy Jones is interviewing me for Rolling Stone and then I gotta do a verse for this posthumous James Brown album.
Punch: And Maliah Obama's graduation party.
Kendrick: Ah, that too. Well, good luck with Views.
Kendrick: Shoulda kept Popcaan, nigga lmao


VIEWS artwork

*Cli-*
*Drake throws his phone through the studio glass*
*he also punches a wall, but it's the wrong wall*
Drake: AHH GOD
Drake: IN AALIYAH'S NAME
Weeknd: *Snickers*
Drake: And this is funny to you, sideshow bob!?
Weeknd: Its just... the Aaliyah thing.
Weeknd: People always make fun of you for it, but you really do it.
Drake: Seal your lips
Weeknd: lol
Drake: "views from the fall off"
Drake: I'm a Canadian Jew who played on a high school soap opera and took rap music by storm. I'm an anomaly.
Drake: I can't fall off, I work too hard.
Weeknd: Maybe if you stopped dragging your women into your albums.
Drake: When you stop dragging your women out of bathtubs
Weeknd: First off, I loved Lorecia, and if I had to drag her out of a bathtub to use an adrenaline needle again, I would do it.
Weeknd: Second, I'm being serious. You know feminism is on the rise. Women are calling you out.
Drake: ?
Weeknd: Hotline Bling? Asking why she's going out so much? "Who are those girls you're with"?
Drake: That's genuine concern
Weeknd: You're being a creep, and I should know.
Weeknd: I fucked Gwyneth Paltrow then hid under her bed and listened to her fuck Chris Martin
Drake:
Weeknd: Then we had a threesome
PND: I'm just curious about why he's still around when I'm here now?
Weeknd: Because if it wasn't for my music, you'd still be wearing hot topic Nintendo shirts and making Sprite comics
Weeknd: And Drake would still be saying shit like "you know my sales always on point. Target."
Drake: Your insolence is grating me, Abel
Weeknd: You call it insolence, I call it friendship
Weeknd: No one else tells you the truth, so you do things like remix Sweeterman
Drake: tsk

*Drake turns towards 40*
Drake: He said it's just him scatting, No one in 2016 is going to enjoy that tripe. You can't bump scat in the whip.
40: Uhhhhh, well...
Drake: And do you know something I don't?
40: Well, Rolling Stone posted a review and gave it five stars.
Drake: It literally just came out.
40: They called it a tour de force and said that he changed hip hop. Again.
Drake: This is unbelievable
40: One reviewer said "If you would've told me listening to Kendrick Lamar go 'boo bop doo wop' over gunshots for almost an hour would be better than a Drake album, I would've been like 'I can see that'."
Drake: This is all irrelevant. What did they say about Views?
40: It’s three stars and all it says is "Am I really supposed to believe this guy fucked Serena Williams"

Weeknd: Look, I'm serious about the "being bitter" thing.
Drake: I'm sorry, which of us has more female fans?
Weeknd: lol myself, clearly
Weeknd: I was on the 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack
Weeknd: You were beefing with street rappers
Weeknd: It’s not calculus.
PND: And you're better because you sing about giving women drugs first?
Weeknd: Didn't you post a picture of your ex in your bed like a thot?
Weeknd: Kehlani hasn't even spoken to you in weeks.

Drake: Abel, I believe your presence is poisoning the mood.
Weeknd: No, all of you being fools is poisoning the mood
Weeknd: OVO got where it was by being who we are and now DrakeMX over here wants to act like we're G-Unit
Weekend: If my presence is undesired, then so be it. I'll be waiting for you to call and ask me to come back.

*Weeknd walks out of the studio*

Drake: "I was on the 50 Shades of Grey soundtrack"
Drake: "No one tells you the truth so you do sweeterman"
Drake: "Stop dragging yo-
PND: Bro. He's an asshole, he always has been. We're in the studio, it's studio time.

*The Weeknd pops his head back in*

Weeknd: The-Dream
Drake: what?
Weeknd: I asked to name someone I've beefed with
Weeknd: I've had issues with The-Dream but he's a GOOD music backup singer now lol so fuck him

*The Weeknd exits back out*


VIEWS artwork

40: Um, I have some beats DJ Mustard sent
Drake: Turn one on, I guess. I need to take my mind off things.

*It’s the same beat DJ Mustard sends everybody*

Drake: Unh
Drake: Six
Drake: Scary Gang
Drake: Goosebumps Gang
Drake: Unh
Drake: You got a problem then let's get to the root
Drake: They saying that they fucking with the owl, that's a hoot
Drake: You know I stay grounded like a boot
Drake: Ain't nobody heard of you, you would think that we was mute
Drake: I told Alicia I'd come to Houston to see her
Drake: I was eating in Manhattan with Tina
Drake: She work at Bergdorf Goodman, you should greet her
Drake: Tell her Drake said he still owe her some pizza

*Drake's phone rings*

Drake: Hold on, Noah
Drake: Aubrey Graham, October's Very Own
Jay Elec: assalamualaikum
Drake: walaikum assalam
Jay Elec: Congratulations on a new album. Views is a masterpiece.
Drake: Thank you
Jay Elec: It’s boring but a masterpiece
Drake: Uhh, a boring masterpiece?
Jay Elec: Its what hip-hop was built on. Illmatic, Reasonable Doubt, the Firm.
Jay Elec: that's why folks hate the South so much. Nobody wanna be boring no more.
Drake: So how's Act 2 comin-
Jay Elec: It’s real
Drake:
Jay Elec: It’s existing right now
Drake: ...Can I hear an advanced version?
Jay Elec: No. I dropped too much knowledge and I'm waiting for the world to be ready.
Jay Elec: I didn't go dick down a Rothschild for fun, my nigga. It's layers and mathematics.
Drake: Indeed
Drake: So you'll be mentioning Kate in your music?
Jay Elec: Of course I will. What self-respecting artist doesn't refer to his romantic endeavors in music?
Jay Elec: I'd have dedicated an entire album to Erykah if she didn't put a gag order on me.
Drake: What did you do?
Jay Elec: Well, I was about to use a picture of her sleeping butt naked as a mixtape cover. Almost got away with it, but it turns out Andre 3000 does surveillance whenever she gets a new nigga.
Drake: Yikes.
Drake: Well, my day was going splendidly until Kendrick decided to piss on my parade
Jay Elec: Look, fuck Kendrick. He out here tapdancing for the devil and making us all look bad.
Jay Elec: The moment that nigga jumped on a track with Taylor Swift, I knew it was my mission to destroy him.
Drake: We may share the same mission...
Jay Elec: You? Against Kendrick? Nah, man.
Drake: Did you not see what I did to Meek?
Jay Elec: You mean the nigga that got washed in a beef by Cassidy?
Jay Elec: You mean the nigga that says "Audemars, foreign car, oh my god, stole your broad" every song?
Jay Elec: You mean the nigga that has to ask his girl permission to kiss her in public.
Drake: I get it, Jay
Jay Elec: I'm just saying, that nigga could've started beefing with Soulja Boy and he would've been in trouble
Jay Elec: If he can't make fun of you for being broke, it's like fighting a nigga with no legs
Drake: Indeed
Jay Elec: What you need to do is get back to your roots.
Drake: What?
Jay Elec: All this emotional thug machopussy shit, family
Jay Elec: I'm always putting myself into my music. I always bring up Elijah Muhammad and the light inside of me cuz that shit real
Drake: I am myself in my music. That's why I always bring up the 6 wherever I go.
Jay Elec: That's where you from, nigga, not who you are
Jay Elec: You got niggas sending you songs about driving through Atlanta and you make them about you.
Drake: It’s not like ghostwriting is new to rap
Jay Elec: Not at all. I ghostwrote for Nas, Jigga, Diddy, Orlando Brown
Drake: The That's So Raven guy?
Jay Elec: Yeah, I wrote his new shit. Not the shit about the stripper fucking his bro, though.
Jay Elec: He snorted a line of coke and Adderall and just freestyled that in the booth. Genius, really.
Jay Elec: But you, Aubrey, you need to get on your Jewish shit.
Drake: Lol, Jewish shit?
Jay Elec: Yeah, nigga, it's a part of you.
Jay Elec: Niggas not saying wear a yarmulke and call niggas meshugenahs. Put your owl in the star of David, nigga, I don't know.
Drake: Mmhm.

*Drake receives a phone call on the other line*

Drake: This conversation was very inspiring, Elpadaro. May I contact you later so we can discuss this Jewish thing further
Jay Elec: Sure, nigga
Drake: lol okie-doke

*Drake clicks over*

Drake: Aubrey Graham, October's Very Own
Kanye: Kanye West, everything hahahaha
Drake: Ye, what's going on, my man?
Kanye: You know I'm bumping this Views right now and it's crazy how hard this is Drake. You went off, man.
Drake: Wow, Kanye, thank you
Kanye: Thank me, too. It really resonated with me. That shit about hiding the car keys so she can't get her pads?
Drake: It was really just the keys to the bugatti. I wasn't saying she cou-
Kanye: Great. I want apologies from my exes for Christmas, too. You just go and downgrade in front of everybody and I'm supposed to be cool with it?
Drake: Exactly
Kanye: I just wish Jay could've done more on Pop Style
Drake: Hahaha no
Kanye: What?
Drake: Two bars was enough. I don't need his sad husband energy making my music unrelatable.
Kanye: Lol everybody is getting older, man. It's more relatable than you think
Kanye: I love Views but maybe it's time to leave the "fuck bitches, get money" shit to the 21 year olds.
Drake: Abel told me the same thing, but I figure he was being a dick.
Kanye: Nah, he's right. It's very obvious you need some pussy that knows how to cook.
Drake: But I can cook. I'm actually well on my way to becoming a five-star ch-
Kanye: No, you need a pussy you can marry. A pussy you can come home to and joke about raising kids with
Kanye: A pussy that's gonna get your mind off of other pussy, even if temporarily.
Drake: No such... pussy... exists
Kanye: Well stop looking for it on instagram
Drake: ...you got me there
Kanye: Unless you paying for it
Drake: I definitely don't do that
Drake: Letting strippers you had sex with house sit for you doesn't count right
Kanye: Pretty sure it does, fam
Drake: It’s irrelevant.
Drake: So maybe I may be too caught up in the darkness of the single life
Kanye: Nigga, look at the pictures you used for Views
Kanye: You look like the main villain of a Jean Claude Van Damme movie.

Drake: On that note, I bid you adieu
Kanye: Okay, but I'm just saying , I can set you up with Khloe, Kylie, Kendall or Kris
Drake: Isn't Kris seeing someone.
Kanye: She said she'd poison him if you were interested
Drake: I will... keep that in mind
Kanye: Later, nigga.

*Click*


VIEWS artwork

Drake: Well, Kanye says I sound bitter and wants to set me up with half of his in-laws
Drake: and Jay Electronica may have just given me the inspiration I needed
40: ...You're not gonna rap like him, are you
Drake: Six God, no!
Drake: Maybe when women start dancing to his music...
40: So never
40: Have you seen the XXL freshman cover going around on twitter?
Drake: I didn't know they still made those.
40: Freshman covers?
Drake: Rap magazines
*Drake walks over to 40's other laptop that he got from Trish Stratus and begins to scan the screen*

Drake: This is fake
40: I still thought it would be useful
Drake: Indeed
Drake: 21 Savage. Too scary.
Drake: Lil Uzi Vert. Too purple.
Drake: Lil Yachty. Too him.
Drake: Kodak Black. Won't answer my calls.
Drake: Let's listen to some Playboi Carti. See if I can get some inspiration.

*40 and Drake go to Carti's Soundcloud and listen to a few tracks*

Drake: This is nice, but it's basically Chief Keef, Noah.
40: I mean...
Drake: How am I supposed to feed if everyone sounds like everyone else here?
40: Well, Quentin-
Drake: Quentin has already been compromised. You heard what happened when Meek's goons saw him. I can't suffer the same fate.
40: Guess you better learn Korean.
Drake: Hahaha. I guess so. Good thing I still have my compatriots across the pond.

*Drake's phone rings*

Drake: How ironic! That's Skepta right there!
Drake: Aubrey Graham, October's Very Own.
Skepta: Drake, fam
Drake: whagwan top boy
Skepta: Yeah, BBK not fuckin wit you no more, fam
Drake: So... I'm not your mandem?
Skepta: Well, you signed a contract with BBK and man not come off proper BBK
Drake: Badman relax ting down pon de ting
Skepta: Fam, you're offending me
Drake: My apologies
Skepta: Tings in the US don't look bright for you if you don't freshen up, innit?
Skepta: We're willing to give you access to all of our resources and networks if OVO absorbs into BBK
Skepta: My office bitches teach your office bitches how we work and we can get you set up in Manchester, eh?
Skepta: "Eh" is what you guys say, right?
Drake: I can't do that. I've worked too hard to build OVO and give Toronto something to be proud of. Regardless of reviews and Grammys, I am still Drake. This is still OVO and I am still the 9 God
Skepta: 9, fam?
Drake: Because I turned the 6 upside down
Skepta: I know, fam, it's just really fucking corny
Drake: I'm corny!? How dare you, with your British Hopsin music
Skepta: British Hopsin is riding your wave into the US, though, fam
Skepta: I've had more people tweet and link to Konnichiwa more than any album I've released. It's cool to pretend to like grime more than ever now.
Skepta: Section Boyz are booking shows in Ontario and ting so we'll make contact with you soon enough
Skepta: Looks like your attempt to steal everyone else's mojo backfired, innit?
Skepta: I'll give you some time to think about my offer, fam. In the meantime *In an intriguingly sufficient American accent* Go get a girlfriend, nigga

*hang up noise*

Drake: So Skepta wants to absorb us into BBK or else they're cutting off all support
PND: I hope you said no
Drake: Were you... were you not just listening?
40: What did Jay Elec say earlier?
Drake: that I should get back to my Jewish roots.
40: You can't even find Israel on a map
Drake: He meant put the owl in the star of David or something
Drake: maybe I should start going to more synagogues?
PND: Put out a Hannukah album?
Drake: Have a menorah and tefillin in my next video?
Drake: I could meet a nice Jewish girl and start a family
40:
40:... Orrrrrr me and Metro could sample some Jewish folk music and you can rap about how your ex will never do better
Drake: Let's do it

SIX SIX SIX SIX SIX SIX SIX

Action Bastard is the author of "The Lemons," the hit Beyoncé fan fic series. Follow him on Twitter.