This is probably NSFW, but, like, whatever.
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On July 15, 2013 Ministry Frontman Al Jourgensen’s authorized biography Ministry: the Lost Gospels According to Al Jourgensen was released and all the undiluted stories of decades of rampant heroin abuse total debauchery and rock and roll insanity came pouring out like blood from the ruptured ulcers that almost killed him a few years ago (That messy incident starts the book).
Readers can enjoy stories about groupies having sex with Dobermans, Jourgensen drugging Trent Reznor and then shaving his head and one eyebrow, chasing Metallica out of his dressing room by dropping his pants, shoving items from the deli tray up his ass and trying to back up into the rock stars, and humiliating Fred Durst in the studio by convincing him to get drunk, strip naked, and don Al’s hat while singing an aggro vocal track he wanted to resemble Ministry. And that’s just for starters.
As the writer of the book, there was more than enough material to work with. By the time I got home from two weeks at Jourgensen’s compound in El Paso, where I conducted the interviews I knew I had a story that would make Motley Crue’s The Dirt look like fucking Goodnight Moon. Actually, many reviewers have referenced The Dirt in their reviews, and understandably so. The other day someone asked me about it and I told her, “It’s kind of like The Dirt, except less chicks and more heroin.”
The book was a blast to write and the way I got the go-ahead to write Jourgensen’s memoirs is a story in itself, but that’s all fully described in the Foreward of “The Lost Gospels” so I won’t get redundant of overly self-indulgent here. But if you want to learn some insane things about the late El Duce, front man for the shock rock band The Mentors, discover anecdotes you’ll wish you never knew about Butthole Surfers vocalist Gibby Haynes and Dead Kennedy’s vocalist Jello Biafra and read about why Jourgensen fucked a cripple in a wheelchair, you won’t find it in The Dirt. But there are also things you won’t find in the Ministry book because of space limitations, time restrictions and the need for some kind of continuity flow. So for those who crave more sickness and stupidity, we bring you exclusive Jourgensen-approved outtakes from Ministry: The Lost Gospels According to Al Jourgensen.
Just Because an Ostrich is Bent Over…
During the Houses of the Mole tour, I was in Berlin with my keyboard tech in the middle of the night and we were on some really heavy LSD. We decided we wanted to go to the zoo but of course it was closed. So we climbed the fence and it was pitch black. There were no lights on, no employees there. We didn’t even see any security guards. But we walked by the Ostrich area and Justin jumped the fence and went right up to this ostrich that had its head in the dirt. It’s ass was sticking up. All of a sudden, Justin drops his pants and starts fucking this ostrich. He didn’t talk to me about it or anything, he just went and did it. And I was like, “What the fuck?!? This ostrich was pissed that someone did that while his head was in the dirt and he wasn’t watching. Ostriches are really dangerous and they can disembowel you with their claws if they attack you. Well, this ostrich started attacking Justin and I had to help him back over the fence. Even though I was wasted on acid, I had no interest in being disemboweled. And this was one pissed off ostrich. He was pecking and scratching at Justin. In the end, he kept his bowls. He had a few pecks and lacerations all over his legs. But who can blame the ostrich for that. The real problem was I don’t think it was a female ostrich. I think Justin just went and put his dick in some male ostrich’s ass and he was pissed. But we were able to get back over the fence and get the fuck out of there.
Burning Up St. Louis
Me and Mikey were driving this 24-foot U-Haul truck sometime in the mid ‘90s to Chicago to pick up all the Ministry master tapes. We made it there okay, and we picked up our tapes and spent a couple days getting wasted in Chicago before heading home. We were sharing driving duties and we were both wasted, but we made it all the way to St. Louis without incident. Mikey was driving at this point. He goes into a gas station to fill up the truck and plows right over the first pump. The thing burst open and started a fire. There was gasoline everywhere, so I said, “Uh, let’s get the fuck out of here!” He slammed his foot on the accelerator and took off. We were ten seconds from being barbecued. So we’re looking in the rear view mirror at all these flames shooting up behind us as we’re driving away. He blew up the station, basically, but we still needed gas. So we rolled into the next gas station we saw and I made Mikey get into the passenger seat and I parked it next to the pump quite nicely.
Costume Party For Lemmy
I’ve met Lemmy a bunch of times, but this is literally one of the top five coolest things ever in the world. After the Motorhead show in Austin in 1995, I go back to the bus and I see [late Motorhead guitarist Michael] Wurzel [Burston] and the other guys. So I said, “Where’s Lemmy?” And they just point to the back of the bus. I knock. No answer. So I open the fuckin’ door and there’s Lemmy in a complete full-in Gestapo uniform spanking a naked chick with a riding crop. She was loving it. I apologized and closed the door. The only reason I went back there in the first place was because I wanted to give him some coke. I had some coke on me and I figured he’d want some. So I went back up front to the rest of the band and said, “Well, it looks like Lemmy’s busy. I got all this coke for you guys.” And they went, “Fuck you!” and called me a poser. And then they pulled out their giant bag of meth! They said coke was pussy shit!
Mr. Lifto’s Big Adventurer
There are some reality shows now about people swallowing shit and piercing every part of their body. I was into that scene with Genitorturers and the Jim Rose Circus Sideshow from the mid ‘80s. Jim is literally the reincarnation of PT Barnum, done deal. Mr. Lifto was a guy in Jim’s circus and he would pick up cement blocks from chains attached to piercings in his dick. It was pretty impressive. He used to live six blocks away from me. He had some really strange sexual habits. He’d get these girls and he’d ask them to piss and shit on him in the shower while he jerked off. So, he’d get his rocks off and then these girls would come down the street and have sex with me and it was great because they were just happy that I didn’t ask them to do anything weird.
Braving the Internut
I’m kind of like William Burroughs in some ways. He lived with his head in the sand, just like an ostrich. He was just in Burroughs land. When I visited him in Kansas City the first time he didn’t know who was president. He didn’t know what was going on in Congress. He didn’t care. All he wanted to do was shoot up and talk about the Raccoons that were eating his petunias. That’s the way I was for a long time about the Interweb. I didn’t want to know about it. I didn’t have an email account. I didn’t care about Spacebook. My idea of modern technology ended at my big screen TV. Then my wife Angie convinced me that I needed to be active on the World Wide Net because there were, like, a million Ministry fans that care about what I think and I needed to be available on social media. So she got me an iPad and I went kicking and screaming into the modern age. And of course, I discovered some pretty cool stuff on there, including sites about conspiracy theories, aliens and paranormal shit and a lot of great porn. When I first got the Net, my engineer Sammy went, “Oh, you’re gonna be looking at porn in a minute.” And I was like, “Fuck you. I’ve got all these channels on TV that have porn. I don’t need the Internet for that.” And he was like, “Yeah, we’ll see.” So I looked at all this other stuff, then I got curious and decided to see just what the fuck’s up there and I found some sites that made me kinda horny. There are lots of hot chicks up there, but every Web site I found cost a dollar to access and I had to sign up. It felt like I was registering as a sex offender. Then I found this site called Granny Porn that was totally free. So I started looking at all these saggy old women with tits down to their ankles fucking these wrinkly old men who have to take Viagra before they start the shoot. It was really hard to jerk off to. I had to really concentrate. But that’s all I could find that was free the first month I was on the Web because everything else I found on Google wanted to charge me money. Then, a friend told me about a new web site that has normal people fucking, and now I jerk off for free all the time. Say what you will about the Internet being a haven for information and a great reference tool as well as a source to find out about shit the media doesn’t report on normal networks. But let’s face it. The main reasons to have the Internet is to pick up chicks or beat off. And since I’m married and I’m not about to go down the path of infidelity, that leaves me one choice. That’s why I love the Web. I can log on and jerk off six times a day. It’s my God given right. At the end of the day, masturbation and marijuana should both be legal.