COME ON, CANADA. YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE THE CHOSEN ONES.
Ever since two of the world’s most hated rockstars, Avril Lavigne and Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger, announced their engagement, my ears perk up at even the slightest hint of a “Chavril” joke. As a Canadian and a musician, I really love this union. I think it’s hilarious. I knew it would happen. I predicted it with a piece of fan fiction I wrote during the summer titled “Avril’s Big Secret: The Marilyn Manson and Chad Kroeger Truth” for VICE. (Avril’s people immediately threatend to sue me an hour after this was published. We later figured out this was because she was planning to announce her engagement to Mr. Kroeger later that week, and they were afraid that my fictional tale had spoiled her big surprise.)
As I said, the Chavril engagement is really important to us Canadians. Not only are two of our country’s most hated pop stars now fucking and sucking one another (gross), but they are both musicians (with little dignity), so this means that they will probably do some pretty entertaining collaborations. The first move in their musical union emerged in the form of a cover. Avril Lavigne recorded Nickelback’s break-out single, “This Is How You Remind Me.” I know this is a few months old, but as a Canadian (and a big fan of this couple), I must take a minute to acknowledge this.
Lavigne’s version is a barebones piano over, complete with “Oohs” and breathy, echoing vocals. Just imagine when she walked into hers and Kroeger’s zebra-striped living room, plunked herself down on a black vinyl bean bag chair, and handed her hubby a copy of this track. Kroeger probably stroked his goatee and popped the disc into his 35 disc CD player, lit some vanilla-scented candles, and blasted the song. Then, he and Avril danced on the faux bear skin rug beneath their feet, both lovers wearing Hello Kitty house coats, the cereal box Canadian flag tattoos on their cheeks touching as they swayed to the sweet music.
Or something like that.
Who wants to crash their wedding with me? I’m not even kidding.
Mish's Chavril wedding invite got lost in the mail. Follow her on Twitter - @myzskaway