A Critical Review of a Song Made Entirely of Sex Toy and Sex Sounds

Yes, obviously this was a Pornhub thing.

Lauren O'Neill

Lauren O'Neill

There are lots of very good songs about sex: "Sexual Healing," "Raspberry Beret," "Sex with Me," "Tubthumping." All masterpieces in their own right, to be sure. But what if there were a song which transcended all of this; a song which is not about sex, but literally made out of sex. What I am asking is: what is the exploding galaxy brain of sex songs?

This is a huge question; one that—if I could not answer it—would be almost irresponsible to pose. However, as Noisey's resident and most committed sexologist, I have the key. The sex song of all sex songs is "Sex Instruments" by someone called Perlita, for Pornhub. This is because it enters a new frontier of shagging. It does not use mere words. It is more than that: its creators claim it's the first song created entirely from noises made by sex toys. Bit NSFW, obvs:

Please show me something funnier than someone playing a drum cymbal with a rabbit vibrator. Oh you can't? Yeah, that's because it doesn't fucking exist.

Anyway, down to the real matter at hand. Serious music blog hat firmly on (couldn't you tell?). Is "Sex Instruments" by Perlita—this very well-executed publicity stunt from Pornhub to promote their range of sex toys—actually any good?

I mean. Yes and no. In the interests of fairness, the YouTube description is as follows:

Pornhub Toys presents: "Sex Instruments" by Perlita, the first ever song made entirely out of sounds produced by sex toys, including guitars played with vibrators, bass notes from anal beads and strokers for rhythm to name a few. If that wasn’t enough, we’ve also added another layer of sonic bliss by combining the rhythm of the toys with the sounds of moans, orgasms and sex, creating a one of a kind song that will get your feet (and hands) moving.

It's obviously like, not actually good (also not sure on the repeated close-ups on the woman in the video when there's not much similar in the way of the dude; come on you guys) but the squelching sound is a very pleasant sample, and it might be better than anything the Chainsmokers have ever produced. And most importantly, you can probably fuck to it. Still rather listen to "Tubthumping," though, ultimately.

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