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Justin Trudeau Despises Paul Simon: A Rebuttal

What does the Canadian Prime Minister have against a treasured American icon?

Back in 2012, three years before he was elected to the office of Canadian Prime Minister and International Superhunk, Justin Trudeau tweeted the following: "For the record: I, and my entire staff, despise Paul Simon. #garfunkleallthe way".

Now, being an American and thus excused of the responsibility of having to educate myself on foreign politics, domestic politics, or basically anything that is not the names and salaries of professional football players, I don't know much about Justin Trudeau. I assume that, like most politicians, he uses his charm and strong jawline to distract from his professional shortcomings. But from what I've seen of him smiling and shaking hands with photogenic children, he seems like a nice enough guy, and perhaps I would even enjoy the experience of sharing a friendly meal with him. But before he and I commence this hypothetical friendship, I must ask him a question: Mr. Prime Minister, sir, are you fucking kidding me?

I don't know what prompted you to tweet this flagrantly disrespectful and unwarranted condemnation of the great Paul Simon, an iconic voice of several generations and shining beacon of American artistry, nor am I interested in finding out. For someone to say that they don't like, nay, despise Paul Simon is all I need to know about a person's moral barometer. Let us break down this short but inflammatory remark so that you might feel the shame a statement like this merits.

You begin your tweet with the phrase "for the record." Unprompted, you want the Canadian people to know that, of all issues of national interest, this is an important official position, that you despise Paul Simon. You would stand by this statement in a court of law? You would place your soft but strong hand on the Bible and swear by this declaration before God, sir?

You then claim that not only do you hate Paul Simon, but your entire staff holds this belief. Oh? You polled every member of your office then, did you? I find it a little hard to believe that you were able to assemble an entire staff that shares in the very rare, very incorrect position of despising the universally revered Paul Simon. What, was "must have experience with Microsoft Excel and being an irredeemable monster with no soul" listed in the job description?

Really, not one person on your staff likes Paul Simon? You're telling me Debbie from accounting has never owned a copy of Graceland and let the needle drop into its grooves, allowing herself to be transported to another state of mind by the worldly, eclectic sounds of a record that won a Grammy for Album of the Year upon its release? I suppose David in human resources has never soundtracked the sting of heartbreak with the gentle caress of "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover" on his loneliest of winter nights, gazing out onto the snow-covered splendor of Ottawa? You'd like us to believe that Rosie in public relations somehow defies the instinct of human reflex and denies her toe from tapping along to the unmistakably catchy whistling throughout "Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard" and its delightful inclusion in the film The Royal Tenenbaums? Is that what you're telling us, sir? That Debbie, David, Rosie, and the rest of your staff defy humanity? Well forgive me if cross my arms, roll my eyes, and let out a good old-fashioned American guffaw.

What's most puzzling is that you don't state that you despise Paul Simon's music, but the man himself. To which I ask: What has Paul Simon ever done to you? Sure, he may not be a ruggedly handsome dreamboat with a perfect hairline and winning smile like yourself, but at least he is not an entitled rich boy who passes himself off as a leftist candidate yet routinely implements policies, especially on environmental issues, that at best can be construed as centrist. (That's right, I have just scanned your Wikipedia page and am coming out swinging.)

You then end the tweet by proving that you have no knowledge of how to spell, use a hashtag, or form an opinion on music worth a hecking crap: "#garfunkleallthe way". Yes, you seem be a true fan of Paul Simon's former musical counterpart Art Garfunkel, so much so that you cannot even be bothered to spell his name properly. Embarrassing. The people of Canada should be mortified that they elected you. Perhaps you could commemorate the date of this tweet, February 16, by declaring it National Having a Shit Opinion About Music Day.

I suppose I'm being a bit harsh on you, Mr. Prime Minister. Inevitably, politicians are bound to carry a bit of baggage from their younger, more brazen selves. Our current President, for example, once bragged to a TV show host about how easily he is able to grab women by their genitals. But when someone publicly states that they can hear Simon's angelic voice crescendoing as he implores to "Give us the gree-ee-eens of summer" in the chorus of "Kodachrome," with all its wondrous expressions of nostalgia, and feel nothing in their heart, what they're effectively conveying is that they should be barred from holding office, kept away from small children, and perhaps committed to some sort of institution where they study the effects of severe, irreparable defects of the human brain.

What bothers me most about this tweet is the sheer arrogance with which you spew your vile Paul Simon hate speech across the internet for all to see. To think of how confident a person must be in the security of his political future that he is on Twitter casually lambasting one of the most revered and longest tenured recording artists of a neighboring ally country, it infuriates me to the extent of wanting to punch a really handsome person named Justin right in his well defined mouth just to feel some momentary gratification.

As I see it, Mr. Trudeau, you have only one option here: A swift resignation, unquestionably, but also a public apology to the United States for the egregious slander of an American treasure whose catalog of hits runs so deep that his Essentials collection is 37 songs long and includes mother fucking "Slip Slidin' Away." If the United States does not receive this long overdue retraction, we will consider it an act of war by a hostile nation. God bless America and long live Paul Simon, you handsome piece of shit.

Dan Ozzi awaits a response on Twitter.