Dear Soulja Boy: Nothing is Wrong with Being a Square

Everybody has gone to school with someone like Soulja Boy—the abnormally talented kid who doesn't think his gifts are good enough because they still won't gain him any points in the category of being thorough. You know, the guy who watched from the porch or stayed inside on the computer all day or maybe got passed the blunt here and there when it got down to a roach. When situations got sticky, he took his ass back in the house. The guy who started banging at the advanced age of 20 because the chip on his shoulder from getting smacked in the back of his head in front of the whole class in ninth grade was gaining weight by the minute while everybody else was trying to figure life out in the form of higher education or working. Sadly, a lot of times, that guy who wanted to be the Superman of the block when he was never built for it ends up dead or locked up because he got outsmarted by somebody who was really cut from that cloth. And Soujla Boy—real name DeAndre Way—needs to get over his extreme FOMO and accept being a square before he ends up in a similar situation.

Being a consumer of this fuckery is complicated because, on one end, it is truly sad to watch Soulja Boy be so seemingly blasted out of his mind that he'll bark countless empty promises on camera in a room completely alone or full of people who wouldn't care who he was if he didn't do the Superman on TV almost a decade ago. That's some Grade A irony right there. People care about him because of how fun, silly, and inventive he was then. But now he wants to shoot everybody in the face because he doesn't want to be associated with being that guy anymore. On the other end, it is admittedly hilarious to watch him sound like he's substituting a Grand Theft Auto mission with his real life. Last week, the holiday season was a bit more sweet thanks to Soulja's Vlad TV interview in which his Flocka ad lib-assisted recounting of how he handled home invaders in an alleged 2009 incident where he supposedly killed somebody went viral. That video alone has given us handfuls of hilarious imitations. No one in their right mind thinks Soulja has earned any stripes in the street but I'm not going to lie like I don't get a kick out out of his antics.

Yesterday he was back in form and addressed equally disillusioned gangsta Chris Brown after the two had a dispute over Soulja commenting on Karrueche Tran's Instagram. In the video, he questioned the legitimacy of Brown's blood gang ties (which, lmao) and promised to beat the fuck out of Breezy the next time they crossed paths. If screaming to the top of his lungs at his front camera wasn't convincing enough, he zoomed in on his three teardrop tattoos to let Chris know how he rocking. If you have to constantly—like everyday, it seems—broadcast to the world how hard you are by listing off the type of guns and clips you have and how you won't hesitate to shoot somebody, you're probably not really about that life. And like clockwork, before the day was over, Soulja took to Instagram Live to show that his ties to the Piru gang in LA were legit as he strolled through town before seemingly getting jumped. Another video surfaced shortly after showing that he wasn't jumped but instead in a dispute with the one guy. Chris Brown appropriately mocked him online minutes after.

The back and forth between the two is childish and the fact that former teenage pop stars are trading insults and public humiliation tactics to prove who is the most hardcore is beyond silly. Writing this out and reading back the details makes it even more silly.

Soulja Boy got lucky this time. Collectively laughing at him on social media has been a fun ride these past few months but if he keeps going in this direction, he will likely run into somebody who doesn't feel like joking, puffing up their chest, or trading blows online. The identity crisis that he is going through right now is one that you should probably get over before you hit your mid-twenties but it's not uncommon for a person who blew up before adulthood. Maybe he's ashamed of his past. He's so fixated on being hard that his mind won't even allow him to be what got him here in the first place. Earlier today, he issued an apology to fans on Twitter, mentioning that his mother is in the hospital, and that he's ending his beef with everyone, before eventually deleting his Instagram. Hopefully he's had a change of heart and really listens to himself. Bring back the Soulja that got laughed at for being a for an unconventional rap star but still made poppy anthems when you counted him out. Bring back Soulja boy that tweeted about anime. Bring back Soulja Boy that made a whole sect of his SODMG crew strictly for gaming. The objective is to get out of the streets, not become famous then go to the streets. Here's a plea for DeAndre: Go make a hit before you get hurt. Please.

Follow Lawrence Burney on Twitter.