Straight guys have weird rules when it comes to their heterosexuality. It’s perfectly normal to hire your mate a stripper on his birthday, watching as he is led around on a dog leash or has half a Heineken bottle shoved up his arse, but it would be weird to rub sun cream into a pal’s back. Unless of course you’re in Croatia and you paint him so there’s a sunburnt cock spraying out jizz on his skin when he goes to the lo-fi House boat party. You might have a threesome with a woman, high fiving over her like you’ve just won a relay race, but if your knees brushed together during class, well that would be nasty, better punch your bedroom wall a few times so you don’t get the deposit back on your rental flat.
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Given this approach, it was pretty refreshing to hear Paul McCartney explain The Beatles penchant for group wanking. In an interview with GQ, McCartney told how he was over at John Lennon’s place with a group of mates, and “instead of just getting roaring drunk and partying – I don't even know if we were staying over or anything – we were all just in these chairs, and the lights were out, and somebody started masturbating, so we all did." Paul says they would shout out names of hot women to think about – like Brigitte Bardot – before John killed the vibe by bringing up Winston Churchill. He explained that it wasn’t a big deal, “it was good harmless fun. It didn't hurt anyone. Not even Brigitte Bardot." I’m sure Brigitte is flattered they were all circle jerking over her, I mean, all of our nan’s would be.Thing is – even though it’s kept in secret or assumed to happen only in the kind of school where the uniform involves a cape – men masturbating or getting their dicks out together is pretty common, much in the same way girls spend their adolescence snogging each other as practice for when Zayn Malik finally asks them out. I spoke to men about why they do this sort of thing and don’t tell anyone. I promise not all of them went to boarding school.When I was in highschool my mate had a free house, someone’s older brother got us some beers, I reckon we had about one each, but we were skinny lads back then so it was enough to get a buzz on. We were watching Scarface, it was pretty dark and we were really hyper, I remember having this tight raspy chest which I get when I’m over excited because of my asthma. There was a scene where this blonde woman is in bed with a guy with her top off, she had these massive boobs. It was a big deal. At this point in my life I was still glancing at my sister’s Cosmopolitan magazines because I liked the sex diagrams, so an actual naked woman was hot. We just kept rewinding and rewinding the scene, getting more and more excited. It was very tribal and Lord of the Flies and eventually some of the guys started wanking under their PJ bottoms until all of them came.Afterwards it felt as though the atmosphere had been sucked out of the room, no one looked at each other and we watched the rest of the movie in silence. I remember my wrist grazing the bloke next to me and we both snapped our hands away. None of us ever spoke about what happened. I guess it shows how seriously straight guys take this stuff, normally you’d mock your mate over this but we didn’t even see it as a laugh, it was too embarrassing. I haven’t even told anyone until now, I pushed it down so far I completely forgot it even happened.
Alex, 24, Chef
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Jonny, 21, student
Matty, 24, music industry
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