We Had an iPhone's Predictive Text Review Kanye West's Albums

Because honestly, who cares enough to write about him anymore?

by Dan Ozzi; translated by Steve Jobs
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Sep 28 2018, 3:00pm

In the future, all jobs will be made obsolete. Bold new technological advances will decimate every viable career path, eliminating the need for a human workforce. The use of human labor will become so scarce that even digging trenches in the most unsafe conditions will be viewed as desirable job opportunities. The least useful workers—and thus the first jobs eliminated—will be those in the arts.

Soon, the critics and journalists responsible for reviewing artistic expressions will be made irrelevant, as computers and robots will be able to produce assessments quicker and more precisely, with less room for error. Furthermore, the art being reviewed will also be created by computers and robots capable of rapidly analyzing data to render the optimal output.

In an effort to accelerate this transition and put myself out of my misery, I’ve bridged the gap between technology and music criticism. Using my iPhone’s predictive text, I let Apple’s autofill algorithm review all of Kanye West’s albums. Though the results may seem obtuse and confusing at times, it’s honestly no worse than the actual words human music writers typically devote to him.

So, with only slight assists from my thumbs on things like punctuation and sentence starters, here are the reviews of Kanye West’s discography, as determined by our omnipotent overlords at Apple. See you in the trenches.

Yeezus has always been the most important thing in the world, of course. “Ahhh I’m in love with y’all tonight and I’m sorry I cannot be!” Kanye West was the first to say that. It just seems to be the same thing as the last one. But if you don’t have any good luck with this album, you will have never heard of anything else. It is really good for you to think about that. If you need anything else, you can do it tomorrow, and then do a couple hours before the end.

Ye has a little more appreciation for the future of this world than Trump. How about a little thing called... getting ready for the weekend? Yeah! Let’s do something about that. But Kanye has a really bad idea—if everyone wants a new album, then it will never get a job. That’s what a huge fan should be—first one on Twitter is the best one in the world. Unless he has moved on the next level, he will never stop playing the same game. Can he be there at this moment? Or will he just take a look at the other reviews? Everything.

My Beautiful Dark Twisted Fantasy is about what happens when you get home and then you get a free steak. It’s about the glorious decade when we could do it, for sure. The only person that you can call is the wrong person—it’s the only way. Though it seems like that now, it’s just a perfect day for you to be able to make your dreams come true with your own dreams of dreams about your dreams. To be sure, Kanye was not going to let y’all know what we had for dinner or what we could eat for him. Hunger is not a good thing—it’s just not. Hunger for the next week is the most delicious meal. When you get to work and you have a lot going on, this is the last time. This album has a great shot at first place and the music is so much.

808s and Heartbreak was the most important part of the conversation that you had with your life. It was so weird that you didn’t realize it was the same thing as a good night’s sleep or a little bit more than that. West is not interested in getting a new camera for the rent. He’s not interested in getting a good photo of a good time. He wants to be a part of this game where he can play a lot of people, and then he has a chance. Take a good look at this one day before it is even worse.

Graduation is so much fun that it would make you think about that one day before you had some friends. That was the best. Ye has always been the most popular one to say, “America has a tremendous appreciation for the most delicious food.” This album has a great new song on the top and it will never be stopped, even if you don’t want it there. Let’s get this done. No one has been a good boy for the last year. However, Kanye has. A great app for the kids, a great mom for the app, a great time with the family. That’s what a huge man is—a big fan base for your birthday.

The Life of Pablo is a very nice person to be with. There is nothing wrong with this place but it’s not a great idea. Though the most important part of this is a new song, it will never stop playing. Last year, the most popular thing was to be in a huge fight—let’s get together and do it again soon. But if you want to give it a try, then we can do something about that. West is the best part of this year but he also wants a record that’s not going to work. He said he’s not interested in getting a haircut today but he has no plans to come out tonight because he wants to come home.

The College Dropout can’t be sure if it’s the best part about the future or the other one. The record is not going well but it’s not a big deal. Kanye and the boys have been doing this since the first Thursday of every month—since the last time they were there. Kanye says, “I am not going well, sure, but I’m not going to make it right!” The rapper can’t be a single man with his girlfriend. She wants to be with a friend. That was just a perfect reminder that we have agreed on a couple. They have been the most important part of the business.

Late Registration is coming to the next generation of social media and, for some reason, the company has moved on. Recorded at a bar with some very nice folks, it is so cool and fun for a little while but it’s not really hard to find the right mix. One thing that won’t let ya down is the way it looks. The cover was not a huge part of this program but it has a lot more than a little bit of effort. Thanks for making it a joke.

Yandhi will be the time to come back to this point in the future and be happy. Hip-hop has always been the most horrible thing. In case you didn’t get a chance to look into this, then you might want to give it a try but it’s not a big deal. Don’t forget about the next time or something else you can think about for at least one hour. Man, this is the kind of thing that you can do for a couple of projects and then stop. Kanye has moved on.

Sent from my iPhone