So just so were clear, I didnt actualy go to see One Directien in Las Vegas, this review is coming from my imaganatien.
Have you heard of a group called One Direction? If not, k, basicly their music sound's like it was designed in a labaratory by "Presedent" Bary Husane Obame specificaly to torture Guantanemo Bay inmates.
Anyway, so this week I got a call on my iphone 4S from my editor at Noisey, and he just went "hey man what's up One Directien is playing in Las Vegas on Friday, and theres a rumor that Jery Siendfeld will be joining them on stage becuase his in town that nite."
So I was like "WTF! No way! I love Sinefeld! I even have a parady twiter acount that imagens what 'senfeld' would be like if it still on TV but in the modern day."
Then in response to what I said, he was like "Ya I know man, thats how I first discovered you. Its a briliant twiter acount that never fail's to make me laugh, especialy when you imageane thing's like what would hapen if Gerge drop his ipod shufle in the urinel while hes doing a number one."
K, so then I go: "OK theres only one problem, i dont have the money to go to Las Vegas and I dont have a ticket to the show!!!"
But then my editor just say, "Hakuna matata man, why dont you just use your imaganatien and pretend you went to the concert! We can post it online before the concert and it will get so many pageview for the Noisey.com website!"
So then I was like "Cool idea man, do you mind if I also make up a fake conversatien with you that we never actualy had and put it in the article, and can I have you casualy saying the phrase 'hakune matata'?"
And he was like "totaly man, I trust u and I love u."
So just so were clear, I didnt actualy go to see One Directien in Las Vegas, this review is coming from my imaganatien. But that dosent make it any less valid and I will ask now that in the coment's sectien below, you try to remember that respect is the most importent thing in life and I would apreciate it if you didnt post any negative coment, thank's in advance.
Las Vegas is everything you can dream of and more. It is a place where you can drive slow as molasses down the Las Veges strip high on acid with the endless panes of halogen sparkling off your YSL shutter shades, dancing with infinite dark posibilitys (ie. a thresome with two prostitute's). Its the city where 2pac was murdered.
The hysterecal tweenage hormonal energy hung thick in the air at Las Vegas's Mandalay Bay Event's Center later tonight as i made my way to my front row seat. Im wearing my $250 One Directien t-shirt and Ive got my $37 sack of One Directien pop corn where every pop corn is shape like the head of one of the guy's in One Directien.
Sudenly, it begin's: the now classic opaning baseline of One Directien's hit single "Thats Whats Make You Beautiful" which is all about how girl's with low self esteme are the hotest because their not all stuck up or whatever.
Every girl in crowd scream louder than when Krame from seinfend passed his kidney stone in the epsode where Jery dateing a gymnast. The 13 year old girl siting next to me got so excited that she spilled pepsi all over me WTF
Cut to me in the bathrome of Mandalay Bay Event's Center squezing watered down pepsi out of my shirt into the sink as the overhead speaker's pipe in One Directien's other songs. Honestly I wasnt that mad to be mising them because all their songs are terible. I got back to my seat with my shirt still damp and sticky with the faded brown of pepsi. But as it turned out i had retarned just in time for the moment we had all been waiting for.
Hary Styles who is the lead singer of the group said "hey wait a minete stop the music" and the music just come to a halt. Then he just go "Who here likes tevelision sitcom's from the 1990's?"
For the first time ever the whoale crowd just go dead silent. Then Harry say "This man is a comedy icon, you can catch his new websodes of where his getting cofee with his midle aged friends who are comedians and driving around in totaly sick exotic car's... introducing Jary Seinfeld!!!!"
And sudenly, Jary come out looking swag to death in his custom designed Ricardo Tischi comedy suit. No one aplause.
"Hello Las Vegas!" Jery say. Still no one aplause. Thats OK, Jary is a pro. His played way tougher room's than this. This is nothing to Jary. He imediately go into his brand new materiel:
"Whats the deal with almond milk? Anybody tried this? How do they get the milk out of the almond? Does the almond have litle small niples that the tiny almond farmers have to squeze the milk out?"
Sudenly, the crowd start to gigle. Jary is wining them over with nothing but his impecable timing and briliant showmenship.
"I think the worst thing about being Edwerd Snowdan would be having to live in a Rusian aiport. Have you ever been to an airport in Rusia? I have. I saw an old woman choke to death at Moscow Internatiaonal Airport and that wasn't the most depresing thing I saw while i was there."
Now his won over the crowd. Their all LOLing so hard that they didnt even remember that their at a One Directien show! Jary hit people with a strong closing bit:
"Whats up with Blu ray discs, anyone notice the disc's aren't actualy blue?"
The crowd is just dying w laughter. All the audience in the crowd are just chanting "Jery! Jery! Jery!"
Honestly? Jary saved the show. If he didnt make a speciel guest cameo, it would have been terible.
Just as a finel note, whenever I write these articles and twetes, the hater's always come out and critecize my spelling. I just want to say pre-emptevely that your just mad that even though you want to The Princeten School Of Spelling or whatever, your just jealeous because my imaganatien is better than yours
Foloe Jary on Twete - @Seinfeld2000