All of My Failed Noisey Pitches

Includes such gems as "Write something smart" and "Fergie."

When you freelance, part of your job is actively thinking of thoughts that you can make money off of. Potentially lucrative thoughts are called "pitches." When an editor accepts this "Pitch," this means I get to write something and get paid money for it. If I don’t write anything, then I don’t get paid, and if I don’t get paid, then I can’t afford chicken and waffles. Basically my entire journalism life is a closed circle that ends and begins with chicken and waffles.

At Noisey, I pitch to Drew Millard, an Internet Friend and all-around-good dude. During my day, I tend to write little ideas for articles in my phone’s notepad. Sometimes, these ideas are good and interesting and turn into actual articles. Sometimes, they are completely fucking stupid. Today, you are going to take a glimpse into how desperate a freelancer can get when he’s on the hook for fresh Internet content. The following phrases, words, and extraneous thoughts are taken directly from my phone. Essentially, you are about to peek into my own personal purgatory, where my failed articles live. They shall languish on this Internet Web Page as a reminder of how dumb I am.

—All pop music is Tony Danza.

—Only listen to “Wanted Dead or Alive” every day, keep journal.

—Songs that sound like numbers.

—Why puns are PUNk rock.


—Mountains that look like Morrissey.

—Something about girl with plugs from Freshman year.

The Crane Wife performed at Super Bowl.

—Get Up Kids reunion.

—Get Up Kids reunion ON THE MOON.

—Eat a record.

—Talk shit about everybody.


—What if Drew Millard stopped smoking weed.

—Convince Kitty Pryde to cover Haddaway.

—Mountain Goats illuminati conspiracies.

—Eat 100 chicken McNuggets in 100 minutes, tie it to music somehow.

—Write something smart.

—Interview Dan Deacon about his first kiss.

—Songs I listened to instead of writing 12-page paper about Southern Africa.

—Why the new Animal Collective album should be called Kaleidoscopic Fart.

—Review every record.

—Publish high school diary.

—Find out if every song is better with drum break from “When the Levee Breaks”

Luke Winkie is a bipedal carbon-based lifeform who expresses himself through the majesty of Twitter - @luke_winkie