We Reviewed Literally Whatever You Sent Us, Volume 22
Photo via the depths of hell
Do you make music that objectively sucks ass? Moderate a Facebook meme group for air traffic controllers? Draw upsetting Beyblades erotica? Do you feel like people are ignoring your Very Important Work? Worry not, for we here at Noisey return each month—or whenever we feel like it—to prostrate ourselves before to the misguided souls who thirstily spew their “art” at us in our Twitter mentions. You’ve been sending us your mixtape for months, and now your time has finally come. That goes for you face-tatted hardcore guy who’s rapping now. And you, indie band called Daddy Sweater, who’s uploaded three albums to Bandcamp since April. Maybe you’ll learn to play your instruments soon!
Noisey staffers Annalise Domenighini, Dan Ozzi, and Colin Joyce reviewed literally whatever you sent them. We can’t promise they were nice about it though. They almost certainly were not.
Annalise: Did you know goats get depressed when they’re alone for long periods of time? What idiots.
Colin: I don’t buy the part where you vaguely threaten to run the goats over at the end. You’re softies and we all know it.
Dan: Sorry but this video has truly ruined me for spotting animals in the wild and I will never love another like it.
Dan: One insanely fucked up thing is that you don’t need any sort of license or training to make educational videos for children. You can just grab a muppet and teach the little fuckers anything you want.
Colin: There are a lot of songs about dying, but not nearly enough songs about how to not die. We wouldn’t even need the former if we had more of the latter. Visionary.
Colin: Someone is going to pay $2 for this in a Goodwill in 20 years. And then immediately throw it in the garbage.
Annalise: Is this paint-by-numbers?
Dan: Neither of you can make art even close to this caliber so shut up, posers.
Colin: Gonna have to be a review of the wikipedia page because I didn’t see this. Oh shit, it’s about people having a sexual awakening after their book club reads the Fifty Shades series? Same! Sign me up.
Dan: I’m pretty much down with anything starring Mary Steenburgen but I don’t know how to feel about this Big Wine Glasses movie.
Annalise: I’ve heard nothing but good things about this movie. Old people deserve to be horny too.
Colin: Swear to god, I thought you were going to say “old people deserve to die.”
Annalise: Everyone deserves to die.
Dan: Fuck man, you’re making me read now? I spend all day reading people’s music musings. This is my break time. I’m eating Doritos and I came to party.
Annalise: Read a lot. Never assume they want to talk to you. Show, don’t tell. And never ask overworked editors and strangers to help you.
Colin: I think you have a good grasp of what you’re doing, so my first advice is to run very far away and try to do literally anything else with your life. You’re smart! I’m sure you saw that money diary thing about the fucking marketing intern making $25 an hour. When I was first starting out freelancing I got frequently conned into working for $25 a piece! Seriously, why would anyone choose to do this?
Ok you’re still here? I think Annalise is right, reading a lot really helps. Reading all different types of stuff. Books and screenplays and profiles and features and lists and short, dumb-as-hell blog posts. And try to work with as many different editors as you can. This business is such that everyone is scrambling all the time and has a hard time nurturing new writers, but I think working with as many people as I can has taught me that a lot of people want different things out of writing. Play the field, as it were.
Dan: As Dan Noisey Jr., president and founder of Noisey, I would like to hire you.
Colin: I’m not sure we’re technically hiring right now, but I think we can make room for you somewhere at the top. Hey Eric, if you’re reading this, meet your new boss.
Dan: Pro: Simpsons profile photo. Con: The rest.
Annalise: You’re not a “brand” you’re a person for the love of god don’t let capitalism win.
Colin: Annalise is our social editor so she’s the pro here, but as a Giant Nerd, I will always assume that anyone who closely follows skateboarding stuff is way cooler than me. P.S. do you know when Skate 3 is coming out?
Annalise: I really fuck with this.
Colin: Really dig how this sounds like basically my whole record collection playing at once. Field recordings! Auto-Tune! Stuff that sounds literally exactly like John Fahey! Right up my alley.
Dan: The song “1000 acres improv” gave me anxiety about having to watch a 1000-acre large improv show. But then I started asking myself: Well what is the world, really, but one big improv stage? Then I got very depressed. Anyway, this sound pretty good, so that’s a YES from all three of us. You’re going through to Hollywood, dawg!
Colin: Shit, I just heard the Street Fighter III: 3rd Strike soundtrack for the first time last week, have you ever heard that before? It is so incredibly good, my god. Breakbeats! Hip house! All on a late 90s arcade cabinet. What the heck! This doesn’t really sound like that but I’m always down for gamer trance. This rips.
Dan: No opinion. Not interested. Skip me.
Annalise: I’m no gamer, probably because I’m not a fan of the music, but I second Colin: This rips.
Dan: Is this that Nick Kroll/John Mulaney old guy bit everyone likes?
Colin: I’m pretty sure that Annalise said earlier that old people deserve to die, but these guys are good in my book.
Annalise: I said we all deserve to die, but I definitely want these guys playing at my funeral.
Dan: Is this a cum sandwich?
Colin: This is the exact amount of mayo that comes on a normal McChicken.
Colin: This kinda sounds like Serengeti doing a concept album about socks, which is like an absurdly plausible thing to happen. Kenny Dennis, that you?
Dan: I remember when I heard Bazooka Tooth for the first time, too.
Annalise: This reminded me to get some more socks.
Dan: I was Alfredo this happening.
Colin: I’ve watched all six mainline Alien movies in the past week, and I’m pretty sure something like this goes down in at least three of them.
Annalise: Pasta boy, you’re better than this.
Dan: I have no idea why I thought we could get through this without a ska or ska-adjacent submission. That cover art is maybe the worst cover art I’ve ever seen, and I love it.
Colin: I was really hoping this wasn’t actually going to be ska, but lo and behold: the horns, the riffs, the extremely fragile masculinity. I’ll be sure to pass along to my friends who own newsboy caps.
Annalise: Sending ska to people who you’re trying to curry favor with is kind of like insulting someone and hoping they still officiate your wedding.
Dan: Wow, I used to really like that song. Thanks a lot for taking it out back and beating it with a shovel.
Colin: I was just lamenting to Annalise earlier this week that I could have A&R’d better remixes for “High Horse” than the pair of official edits it got. This isn’t what I meant though. Someone get Moodymann on the line, he’d fix this.
Annalise: I like Kacey, and I like disco, but I don’t like this. I like a lot of elements in this, but not this entirely. Now let’s circle back to Dan liking this song?
Dan: When this dude said “always gotta keep my charger with me,” I felt that.
Colin: Jesus, a frat-bro vape parody of “Gucci Gang”...this has no right to be good. And yet? Side note, you should go follow some vape trick Instagram pages, honestly those are much better than any of the stuff we’ve reviewed here.
Annalise: I love a good novelty song. Let me see your vape tricks!
Dan: These guys made the theme song for a podcast I like (Your Kickstarter Sucks) and they confirmed fuck.
Colin: This definitely sounds like a band Dan would like. Not me though, a cool person who listens to good music.
Dan: Haha got em.
Annalise: My rule is that if Dan likes it, it’s probably bad.
Dan: I’ve had an aversion to quiche my entire life but I’m starting to think that maybe it’s due to the name, which I find abhorrent and unsettling.
Colin: If we are evaluating you on the Chopped standard of presentation, taste, and creativity, I’ll have to dock points for you using the pie crust in the basket as a pie crust. We generally like to see the ingredients transformed just a bit more. It looks nice, but there’s a weird taste to it, kind of like a dirty LCD screen on a MacBook pro? I’m not sure what’s going on here.
Annalise: Looks like leftovers. Love that.
Annalise: I’m good.
Dan: I’ve been sitting here staring at the words “Titus Andronicus cover band” for five unbroken minutes like that scene of Cameron looking at the Seurat painting in Ferris Bueller's Day Off.
Colin: Make that “Titus Andronicus and reggae cover band.” To which I must quote some of the great scholars of our time and say, my friends, what you know about Shaun Bridgmohan?
Annalise: Looks like a regular old bathroom to me.
Dan: You’d think Hulk Hogan would’ve made enough off the Gawker settlement that he wouldn’t have to do this kinda stuff.
Colin: Where did you find this picture of me? Please take it down.