Illustration: Alex Gamsu Jenkins  

117 Good Things That Happened in 2017

This year was terrible, but here is a collection of the objectively good things that happened.

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Dec 15 2017, 4:04pm

Illustration: Alex Gamsu Jenkins  

2017 might’ve been the worst year in modern history. You didn't need us to tell you that. But if you’re holding out hope that things will turn around next year, we have some bad news for you: they won’t. 2018 will be much, much worse. In fact, we’ve set ourselves up for one epically bad year after another with no foreseeable end. So the only thing you can do to endure the increasingly nightmarish world we live in is to enjoy the everloving hell out of the few, fleeting good moments that happen in between waves of shit. Here’s a list of 117 objectively good things that happened in 2017. Hold them close to you. Let the good vibes they give off fuse with your DNA and keep you sedated through the Hellworld we inhabit.

When Ryan Adams Went Off on Father John Misty and the Strokes Dude on Twitter


Joey Bada$$ Staring at the Eclipse so Hard He Had to Cancel His Shows

Honestly, not a good thing for him but a cautionary tale for the rest of us: The sun is not a toy.


This Guy Whose Stomach Looked Like Woody Harrelson


A Near Endless Supply of Richard Spencer Nazi Punch Remixes


The Guy from Star Wars Saying He Doesn’t Know What Emo Is


The Kids Who Ruined Their Dad’s TV Appearance


This Fuckin Guy


Bill O’Reilly Getting Fired for Being a Pervy Ballbag


We Finally Learned What Mario’s Dick Looks Like

TW: Mario’s dong


This Is Where I Recorded and Mixed the Album and All the Gear I Used


This Desus & Mero Segment About Wheel of Fortune

“On-the-spot dicespin.”


The First Five Minutes of Baby Driver


People Paying $4,000 to Go to Fyre Festival and Getting Exactly What They Deserved


When That Annoying Twitter Chode Accidentally Tweeted About Tentacle Porn


That Scene in the Ric Flair 30 for 30 Where He Estimates That He’s Slept with 10,000 Women


When Noisey Hit 420,000 Twitter Followers on 4/20




Lena Dunham’s Dog


Dogs in General, Honestly


When Mutoid Man and Miny from Royal Thunder Covered Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”


Princess Nokia Throwing Soup on the Drunk Racist


The Young Thug Music Video That Got Made Even Though Young Thug Didn’t Bother to Show Up


Larry King Vaping


Brad Pitt Vaping


Ten Straight Hours of Jimmy Barnes Screaming


The Person Who Peeled a Potato at Liam Gallagher’s Concert


DMX Releasing an Official Version of “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer”


This Skate Video


The Repeated Public Owning of Silicon Valley Dipshits Trying to Pass Things Like Juicers and Bodegas Off as New Inventions


The Hero Who Fixed the Hollywood Sign


Bo Dietl Humiliating Himself for an Entire Election Season and Still Getting Less Than One Percent of the Vote


Rage Against the Machine but with Owen Wilson Saying “Wow” Instead of a Wah Pedal


The Guy Who Made an Art Exhibit Out of “Who Let the Dogs Out?”


Chris Christie Getting Owned by Beach Memes


Chris Christie Getting Owned by Callers While Filling in for Mike Francesa


Chris Christie Getting Owned by a Cubs Fan


The Episode of Our Month-long Drake Podcast Where We Just Played People’s Voicemails About Drake


This Video


Carly Rae Jepsen’s Gradual Transformation into the Waitress from Always Sunny


The Warped Tour Ending


This Onion Article


Martin Shkrelboy Going to Jail


The Snapchat Hot Dog (RIP)


The Glorious Ten Days When The Mooch Was the White House Communications Director and Managed to Make “Sucking My Own Dick” Part of National Conversation


“Goop on Ya Grinch”


This Season Finale of Nathan For You


The Sweet Irony of Danica Roem Taking a Transphobe’s Job


Michael McDonald Dueting with Thundercat

Yacht rock is back, baby!


Roger Ailes Dying While (Possibly) on the Toilet

LOL RIP


Chelsea Manning Joining Twitter


Danny Brown Getting into Mount Eerie


The Incredibly Angry Description Alvarius B Wrote for His New Album

“By deciding to write my own album promos, I can perform some market research. For example, this album description text will undoubtedly be copy/pasted by most online retailers onto their respective sites because they don't write their own new album reviews or get too excited about music, they simply want to create the illusion that they're in business to sell records. So I could put something like: Fuck all website retailers that copy/paste this description onto their site because they are too fucking cheap, lazy or chicken shit to have an opinion to write individual album reviews—and they probably wouldn't even notice while doing it. Anyway, back to my new album. These songs are pretty good, most likely way better than your songs, and I don't even have time to be a real songwriter, so what does that say about you?”


The Christiano Ronaldo Statue


“Call Me Crunk but I’m Crazy!”

(This is just something we started saying around the office but you’re welcome to try it on as well.)


Bella Hadid’s Dope, Fresh, Dope, Freshin’ Dope Sneaker Shopping


Nicki Minaj Taking Off for Prague


PUP’s Choose-Your-Own-Adventure Music Video


ThE MoCkInG SpOnGeBob MemE


ThE NeW TaYlOr SwIfT AlBuM


The Oscar Going to La La Land by Mistake


Gene Simmons Getting Permanently Banned from Fox News


The Dog Named “Featuring Ludacris” on Big Mouth


Every Migos Video, Pretty Much


Marshmello Playing at the Indy 500


This Hero Teen’s Quest to Get Weezer to Cover Toto’s “Africa”


Bud Light Lime Pomegranate-rita


The Host of HQ Saying He's "Done His Research" on Eating Ass on Waypoint's Podcast


Drake’s Bar Mitzvah Birthday Party


Cardi B Being on Every Magazine Cover


“This Is the Future That Liberals Want”



Kid Rock Not Running for Senate to Spend More Time Being a Piece of Shit


The Jogging Pooper Terrorizing Her Neighborhood with Her Mega-Huge Craps


Galaxy Brain


The Mask Off Challenge


We’re Required to Mention Game of Thrones at Least Once so Here, Nerds, We Did It


Cracking Open a Cold One with the Boys


#InADreamChallenge


Dolly Parton Still Being Alive


Travis Scott Falling in the Hole


The Security Robot That Drowned Itself


No Nuclear War! (Yet)


That Kevin James Show Straight Killing Off the Wife to Bring in Leah Remini


Lampin’


Tomi Lahren Getting Fired and Wale Ruining Her Name for Life


This Fellow


Gucci Mane Cutting His $75k Wedding Cake with a Sword


Tom Delonge’s Space Academy


Flat Earther Memes

(Pro or con, we like ‘em all!)


Bo Bice Crying About Popeye’s


“I Love This Woman and Her Curvy Body”


Ted Cruz Cranking His Hog to @SexuallPosts


Nautical Realism Making a Comeback


Frank Ocean’s Panorama T-shirt


None of the Rick and Morty Nerds Getting Szechuan Sauce


Penis Hernandez


Yahoo! Finance’s N-Word Navy Tweet


Coke


Playboi Carti Mixing Two Soups Together

If anyone knows what kind of soups hit us up because we have thoughts.


The Cabaret Law Being Repealed


The Diddy Crop


Baked Alaska Getting Banned from Twitter

Oh, and also pepper spraying himself and needing milk.


Jonah Hill Cosplaying as Post Malone


Tw1tter Picasso’s Account


The Story of Dan Nainan, the Millennial Comedian Who Is Actually 55 Years Old


This Woman’s Pickle ASMR Channel


Chillout Man


“Mans Not Hot” Making Our Songs of the Year List


Reince Priebus Getting Fired While Golfing


The “Take a Knee, My Ass” Song, Which Sucks Many a Huge Butt


The VICE Equipment Room Staff Naming The Beach Boys’ Pet Sounds the Best Album of All Time


Maxine Waters Reclaiming Her Time


Mariah Carey Suing Her Ex for $10 Million for Wasting Her Time


The Black Panther Trailer


All of America Looking at Charlie Sheen’s 9/11 Movie and Collectively Saying FOHHH


Lady Bird’s Use of Dave Matthews Band


The Last 60 Seconds of Charly Bliss' Cover of "Steal My Sunshine"


Two of R. Kelly’s Houses Getting Robbed


Sean Astin in Stranger Things 2

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