From Bags of Dicks to Assblasters: The Perviest Guitar Pedals

LOL, "bag of dicks."

Jan 17 2014, 7:57pm

The folks who make guitar pedals are mad geniuses who operate on the edges of the sonic stratosphere and sometimes that sense of humor carries over to their product. As anyone who has seen the type of artwork that typically exists in backstage areas should guess, most of the craziest-sounding pedals are themed around sex and, more specifically, penises, so we thought we'd give you the lowdown in case you're somewhere where your go-to porn sites are blocked.

Gooby Electronics' Bag Of Dicks

If you want a quality American-made fuzz pedal that looks as badass as it sounds you'll want to check out Gooby Electronics' Bag Of Dicks fuzz pedal. No we're not kidding, this pedal sports a green-sparkle finish and a satchel that proudly displays the phrase "bag of dicks," but the octave-shifting bass tone is no joke. That said, we guarantee your pedalboard will get some funny reactions if you bring this bad boy on the road.

Way Huge Swollen Pickle

For a while, you had to pay outrageous prices for the Way Huge Swollen Pickle pedal since the company only made them for a couple of years before ceasing production in 1999. Thankfully these dill-colored pedals are back and ready to sculpt a wide-range of fuzz ranging from pure gain to subtle boosts and everything in between. Plus, look at this thing. It's worth it for aesthetics alone whether it gets your pickle swollen or not.

Fuzzrocious Pedals' Broke Dick Peanut Gallery

Are you noticing a theme here? We thought so. And correspondingly, there isn't a lot of ambiguity surrounding the Broke Dick Peanut Gallery pedal. Sporting a bandaged penis proudly painted on the center, this preamp pedal will transform your amp into an arsenal of sounds ranging from ultra-heavy to reggae-worthy. Unfortunately, we cannot promise that it will fix a broken penis.

Metasonix KV-100 Assblaster

Costing four-digits, the Metasonic KV-100 Assblaster isn't for the casual player but it is basically like a comic book come to alive when you look at the detailed illustrations of a donkey, well, doing stuff with its ass. Touted as "a foot-long fecal sandwich of audio penis," this pedal contains an incredible preamp, wave-shifting capabilities, filters, noise gates and just about any other way to control your signal chain in one handy unit. Again, peep the incredible artwork done by Dave Lovelace, the artist behind the cartoon Retarded Animal Babies.

Durham Electronics' Sex Drive Boost

The Sex Drive was originally designed for Bob Dylan guitarist Charlie Sexton who was looking for a clean boost with low end sustain, a pretty unique function for a pedal. In other words, if your combo amp isn't loud enough, this badboy will boost your signal without piling on tons of gain. Plu,s it's called the Sex Drive boost so if it has any additional benefits, well, maybe keep those to yourself.

Metal Pedals' Screaming Whore II

If you're a hardcore feminist, you may shy away from the Metal Pedals Screaming Whore II (which sports the same circuit as Metal Pedals' Dirty Bitch) but considering the fact that it's out of stock most places anyway, that might not be a problem. Sporting some risqué artwork this Booser/Distortion combo will take your tone to stratospheric new levels and the levels of gain that it's capable of will make your practice amp sound like a full stack. Just don't let your girlfriend know you're cheating on her with a stompbox.

Jonah Bayer giggled like a little girl writing this. Follow him on Twitter - @bigolbagofdildos (Nah, just kidding, it's @mynameisjonah)